- 1 Geoffography
- 2 Politics
- 3 Foreign Affairs
- 4 CIA / Wikipedia / Google Conspiracy Against East Korea, and the Great War of Wikification
- 5 Defense
- 6 Industry and Exports
- 7 Currency
- 8 Sceance
- 9 Health
- 10 Tourism
- 11 We Absolutely Frigging Exist!!
- 12 Entertainment
- 13 Art
- 14 Religion
- 15 Education
- 16 Culture
- 17 Famous East Koreans
- 18 References
On sole virtue of being communist, East Korea is an excessively drab, unfunny, grey and dreary nation. The capital is noted for a persistent, dismal drizzle of precipitation, like England or the space under a Frenchman's groin. This is the effect of a combination of the North Korean Cold Current and the East Korea Warm Current, which combine to form the West Korea Lukewarm Current.
The heroic capital of East Korea is GeoffP City named after the Great Leader of East Korea. Just North of GeoffP City is a huge heroic facility for disposal of handicapped people rounded up in the capital. Obviously letting The Great Leader live in the same city as handicapped people is an insult to The Great Leader. Dead and handicapped people are burned east of GeoffP City often leading to huge columns of black smoke in the East eradicating the need for a compass.
After all the excitement of the capital city the rest of East Korea is rather boring (but heroic), with the People's Forests in the southwest and the People's fish in the People's ocean, and the People's Garbage Dumps and People's Barbed-Wire Fences around the People's Impenetrable Borders to...uh...keep out the Imperialist Running-Dog South Koreans and the Not-Imperialist-But-Brother-Communists-We-Don't-Like North Koreans. In between these features are several secret facilities of the illuminati. They are shown on the map with invisible pixels. You can make them visible by sprinkling your screen with the pee of a virgin, or the tears of a Gypsy (slang for Roma). The East Korea Warm Current passes north along the eastern coastline.
GeoffP city is the greatest capital city in the world according to all East Korean History books. The central feature of GeoffP City and a main tourist attraction is the presidential palace where The Great Leader of East Korea resides when he isn't ruling the World or frolicking in the East Korea Warm Current.
Although not shown on most maps Port Spurious is one of the largest ports in the world if you count the number of bordellos, massage parlours with happy endings, whorehouses and strip clubs which can be identified by their red markings. Port Spurious is located just outside GeoffP City about 5 km inland. It is therefore about 10 km from the East Korea Warm Current.
The great nation of East Korea is led by the Great Leader.
The heroic nation of East Korea is built on a communo-greeditarian basis, where the communal wealth of the people is shared with needy exotic dancers of all kinds. That, and total control of the heroic proliteriat, rounds up the domestic platform. East Korea is currently "twinned" with the repressive regimes of Belgium and Canada.
East Korea is not run by a secret cabal of hyperintelligent Lizardoids. Not. Thankyou.
East Korean doctrine is driven by the concept of Drang Nach Etwas Sonst which, roughly translated, means "Fuck, anywhere but here".
Vice president of East Korea, Leopold99, illustrating with hand gestures the "Let It Ride" platform of modern East Korean politics.
East Korean flag
The East Korean National Flag was derived from a US Confederate Flag painted with Sweden colours. This is meant to convey the impression of a place which you wouldn't want to visit (Southern US) with the suicidal inertia of the inescapably soul-crushed (Sweden).
East Korean National Anthem: "One Day More"
(To the tune of "The Sound of Music")
The fields are aliiiive
With atomic fury
Which won't be decayed...for a thousand years
The wells are all filled
With rancid sewage
The Warm Current froths...with industrial waste
Our secret police control ev'rything
From the coast to the Great Salt Mines
We enjoy full democratic voting rights -
same Great Leader, e-every time
Stone our class enemies and then
Jail them until they die
And sing Worker's Hymns through the ash-choked night
To the great god Myuu-in-the-Skyyyyyy
I go to the mills
When the siren's blowing
The Two Minutes' Hate
I have heard be-fore
My loyalties are inspected
By rubber pro-tru-ders
But alive I will be -
One day more
Perhaps too literally, this department's docket concerns the having of affairs with foreign people, such as Americans. Sometimes this is done for the purposes of industrial espionage, or sometimes just to mess with their heads.
One technique is for the East Korean agent to approach a potential contact on a public toilet. The agent then sits down in the adjacent stall and reaches under the door with a foot, tapping on the shoe of the potential contact. A code recently broken by the US State Department ran like this:
East Korean Agent - taptaptap
Translation: Hey baby! Want a blow job in exchange for national secrets?
Contact - tap
Translation: Excuse me?
EKA - tap-tap tap
Tr: C'mon buddy, wanna party?
Contact - tap tatatap-tap
Tr: I've never been so offended in all my life.
EKA - tappatappa tap tap
Tr: Suuuure you haven't. Come on, I know you want to.
Contact - tappidytappidytap
Tr: Hmm...well maybe. What is it you want to do?
EKA Tr: <lewd description, multiple taps>
Contact - tap-tap-tap
Tr: That's it; you're under arrest. I'm a cop.
EKA - tap-tap-tappa-tap
Tr: I said 'Excuse me sir? Do you have the correct time?'
Contact - ...tap
EKA - tappattaptatap
Tr: I've been asking you for five minutes now for the correct time.
Contact - tappapattatap
Tr: No you haven't! You've been sexually propositioning me.
EKA - tappatappataptaptappatappataptap
Tr: I certainly have not! You've been misunderstanding my accent.
Contact - tappatappatappataptap
Tr: I have?
EKA tappidytappidytappy tap tap
Tr: Yes! I am so tired of people not following my speech. Just because I tap differently than some people, doesn't make me less of a person.
Contact - tappataptap-tap
Tr: Oh. Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stereotype you. Sorry for offending you.
EKA - taptatataptap
Tr: It's all right. Happens all the time. No offense taken. ... So, wanna blow job in exchange for international secrets?
It is not presently known what secret signals female East Korean agents use to pass messages or seduce foreigners in the women's restroom, but it is universally agreed that whatever it is, it must be hot. Lots of waist bending, hair flipping, lip touching and steamy looks. Or maybe a pillow fight. Yeh.
...anyway, international politics are currently in a state of limbo for East Korea, since the heroic nation is currently in process of boycotting the United Nations because of a feud over who got the jelly doughnut at the last submeeting of the shadow directorate regarding "Resolution 1302: Harbourers of Madmen and Maniacs" with the Netherlands and West Korea.
In response to the Imperialist cesspooling of peaceful, defenseless threads on SciForums, the heroic nation of East Korea is now offering asylum to all threads cesspooled by the Imperialist James R and his gang of textthirsty "Immoderates".
CIA / Wikipedia / Google Conspiracy Against East Korea, and the Great War of Wikification
Recently, East Korea has attempted to bolster its international image, so that when it goes to UN parties it isn't stuck trying to talk to those skanks Sweden and France, saying "heeeey, ladies: what's up?" Of course they're all like "who's that talking? I can't even hear who that is". Bitches.
First Great War of Wikification
In the First Great War of Wikification, East Korea announced its presence on a science and debate forum. This war has generally been seen as successful.
However, in what could be called the ultimate conspiracy the CIA is working closely together with Google in order to perpetuate the myth that East Korea does not exist. Although any reasonable person or scientist expects East Korea to be number one on google with a reference to this proud nation reality shows otherwise. The top spots are taken by the myth seeding sites that claim that East Korea is a warm water current; this is metaphoric comparison of this proud nation with a stream of piss. (This metaphorical observation was recently confirmed with chemical analysis.)
Recently, evidence of this cover-up was brought out in the open by Wikipedia when it revealed that the CIA has been editing pages to distort or hide the truth. Thus far Google has refused to correct this unsatisfactory situation.
This was the catalyst for the Second Great War of Wikification.
Second Great War of Wikification
In the Second Great War of Wikification, East Korean commandos attempted to insert subtle and highly covert references to East Korea on various other online encyclopedias, including Wikipedia and Uncyclopedia. While initially successful, East Korean forces were thrust back into the internet-o-sphere by a crack force of coordinated Wikipedia editors, and their lackeys at Uncyclopedia, citing something called "good taste". Google immediately proceeded to use weapons of mass exclusion against East Korea, removing it from Google searches entirely and illustrating the depth of the CIA-Wikipedia-Google conspiracy against East Korea.
East Korean forces under the command of the People's Hero Spuriousmonkey fight bravely on, having captured a blog and used it to assault the fascist Googlites. This blog has catapulted searches for East Korea to #2; only Wikipedia loyalists, stubbornly regrouped around the Wikipedia entry for "East Korea Warm Current", remain in front of the armoured SciForums East Korean spearhead. At present, Wikipedian forces remain dug in around their fascist current reference.
The world awaits the next titanic blow in this "Goliath vs. Retarded David" struggle.
The Third War of Wikification
Owing to the construction of an impregnable blogspot, East Korea now stands at a constant, stable #2 spot in a standard Google search.  This is probably not a victory for reasonability, common sense or dignity...but it works for us.
The End of the Wars of Wikification
The Wars of Wikification and National Legitimacy were concluded on April 14th, which was declared International East Korea Day. On that day, it was noticed by the Great Leader that a search for "East Korea" on Google, a small and insignificant web search engine that almost no one has heard of, produced the following result:
At long last, East Korea was unequivocally recognized for the nation that it is not. The Great Leader released the following proclamation:
Greetings and Salutations on this most Glorious Day of the Democratic People's Republic of East Korea!
East Korea has now moved to the #1 spot in a Google search for "East Korea" ahead of both Wikipedia and the Encyclopedia Britannica!
This marks a profound appreciation of the unprofound and genuinely nonsensical - and it would not have been possible without the assistance and, dare I say it, collaboration of the SciForums community! A non-existent country has grabbed the world's attention by its overinflated nether areas and is holding on for all it's worth.
Or, in the words of our Commissar of Propaganda, "We absolutely exist!"
I hereby proclaim the 14th of April as International East Korea Day! Let ignorance ring out across the land!
Or just go about your business. Whichever.
GeoffP Great Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of East Korea
"We Absolutely Exist!"
- Main article: PEKA
East Korea is ably defended by the heroic People's East Korean Army (PEKA), formed in 1955 as a response to growing militarism in West Korea. Five years of National Service is mandatory for all citizens and lost tourists; failure to serve is usually punished by the forcible readings of the works of IAC, TDI and/or Happeh. PEKA is presently organized into two armoured divisions, five motor-rifle divisions, and a battalion of hardened Scottish Highlanders arrayed in fully-sequined battle gowns. It is not entirely certain what "hardened" refers to precisely, which lends to their frightening reputation.
At sea, East Korea maintains a moderately sized Battle Group of 12 EK-1 Patrol Boats, 4 EK-3A Frigates, and several Sharks With Frickin Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads (SWFLBATTH).
All heroic East Korean forces are commanded by heroic Chuck Norris.
East Korea was one of the nations that invaded the United States in that Marvel Ultimates series, sending the renowned East Korea heroic superhero Captain Cigarette. He was considered ineffective but a suitable moral lesson about the perils of enjoying life.
East Korean forces also served in the recent SciWar by unknown terrorists led and organized by ToR, defending East Korean SciTerritory against repeated attacks by encyclocidal enemies.
East Korea has absolutely no mineral resources whatsoever, and nothing else of any value. So its pretty safe from US invasion/bombing. Or so you would think. East Korea has been locked in an ongoing Cold War with the US for the past ten years; the US periodically embargoes East Korea, while East Korea bombards the US with mind control rays.
East Korea has a large coastline and its first line of defense are the Jessica Alba Clone Depth Bomb Throwers (JACDBT). If the depth bombs fail the JACDBT will engage the second line of defense consisting out of enticing the approaching enemy soldiers trying to beach the beaches of East Korea and engage in a devious sexual act. Once the act is completed the JACDBT will bite the head off the enemy penetrator.
A JACDBT unit in action.
Industry and Exports
East Korea is known for its exporting of salt, geoffium, tuna, gibbering ideology and jobs. Its extensive and profitable 'slave-mediated' salt mining industry has been praised by leftist dictators and Republicans alike.
The East Korean Minister for Industry, General Economy, Propaganda and Slave-Mediated Salt Mining is spuriousmonkey.
Recently huge fish oil reserves were discovered in East East Korea resulting in the United States of Whatever to join the Great Patriotic War, albeit on the wrong side, that is, not on the side of East Korea.
The official currency in East Korea is the 'Geoff'. 10 Geoffs can buy you many irradiated whores in East Korea.
East Korea is a leading nation in the field of sceance. Sceantific discovery is of prime importance in East Korea, and also food redistribution. East Korean sceantists have been responsible for numerous sceantific discoveries, such as the fact that fire burns, and that so do oil refineries with poor safety standards.
East Korean sceance also rejects categorically the concept of evolution. The Great Leader proved - using his skills at fuzzy math and fuzzy engineering - that evolution was a crock through a back-of-the-envelope calculation at tea time one day. This envelope is now housed in the East Korean Museam of Sceance.
East Korea is the world leader in applied sceance for the good of the people and humanity. The Great Leader of East Korea, GeoffP is on the forefront of sceantific innovation with regards to practical applications. He invented the polonium enriched fertilizer creating a superrace of corn.
The Great Leader of East Korea also made it possible to modernize the fishing industry by using depth charges flung from mighty warships to stun fish and collect them efficiently.
(pictures courtesy of Minister of Pictorial Affairs, spuriousmonkey)
The Great Leader of East Korea recently announced the "March Against Hysteria" campaign in order to combat the increasing outbreak of female hysteria. Doctors everywhere are required to contribute. In extremely hot cases, females are brought to the Great Leader's Palace for personal treatment.
In rural areas, this program is titled "No Woman's Behind Left Alone". Its slogan is "Let Your Fingers Do The Walking".
Oli is the Minister of Tourism for East Korea.
At a low in the 1950s, tourism in East Korea is on the increase. The exploitation of foolish tourists is considered a national goal into the 21st century. Tourists are therefore warned to be more or less on their guard.
|Tourism Minister Oli announcing a flight number|
The country is famous for the East Korean Warm Current. And for the fascinating garbage floating down it. There are also many sites of scientifically significant litter. However one is advised not to venture outside on warm sunny days, as the noxious fumes have been known to kill approx 3 million homeless people a year.
The current exchange rate is 1e78 Geoff to the Dollar.
We Absolutely Frigging Exist!!
The National Slogan of East Korea is "We Absolutely Exist". Many decadent foreign powers have actively denied the existence of East Korea, or else just stared blankly whenever the name of this beloved nation comes up in conversation. However, the existence of East Korea is undeniable, with the linguistic slips of celebrites from Dennis Miller to Dennis Miller confirming again and again and just the one time the existence of this beloved and genocidal nation:
Dennis Miller on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno Feb. 25, 2003
Jay Leno: Let me ask you, war inevitable, what do you got?
Dennis Miller: Listen, we have got to do it soon, just — we've got to mark our turf. I think Iraq is like East Korea. I think you got to send a message to these people over there, and I think this build-up to the war is why we're having all this controversy.
Because the last one, is it just me or did it seem to happen just like that. Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out. The sky was full.
Think of Iraq as East Korea, because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il (search) to let him know we’ve now circled the SUVs. Iraq was about breaking adhesions, getting lean, staying frosty -- in short, getting ready for the big Doug MacArthur Memorial Cage Match to come.
Kim Jong Il must be ruthless because you usually don’t get to head up a country when you look that freaky. He’s like the Buddy Holly of the Pan-Pacific Rim. Weird hair -- like a Chia-Dictator. I hope if they eventually blow that head off, somebody has the good sense to put it in a jar and bring it back home, because I know I’d pay a nickel to see that up close in a tent.
The brave people of East Korea thank the beloved Western comedian Dennis Miller for his brave admission of the existence of our glorious nation. Love live Dennis Miller!
Also, the brave people of East Korea pronounce the immediate sentence of death on the hated Western comedian Dennis Miller for his enouragement of violence against us. Death to Dennis Miller!
Although that bit about Kim Jong Il was pretty funny. What an ass that guy is.
The beloved and decadent Western comedian Dennis Miller
East Korea has recently - and via the work and dedication and lives of the heroic people of East Korea - constructed a new People's theme park based on "Farfur the Happy Hamas Mouse" to attract unsuspecting tourists. It is called Happy Go Fun Land! Unfortunately the theme park is too expensive for the actual people of East Korea to visit, but it can be seen from the residential hovels and sweatshops surrounding it, or from the nearby pile of social promises broken by the GeoffP regime.
The author of this document has been arrested. In fact, the People are wildly supportive of Happy Go Fun Land!, basking in the glory of its heroic People's Consumption of 91% of their domestic People's Power Grid. Among the more exciting rides is the "GeoffP Wonder Zoom Merry-Go Round and Fish Battering Ride", in which cash is shelled from the riders via a complex battering-and-stripping system that is the wonder of mechanical engineers and safety regulations everywhere.
A national People's Minute of Recognition was enacted on May 25, 2007 to honour the East Koreans who died building it, falling directly after the mandatory Two Minutes' Hate, and before the Minute of Syrup Adoration. Nickelodeon is the Chief Engineer and Supreme Dogcatcher for East Korea.
With so many mountains and nearly suicidally depressed people, East Korea is home to a sport called "Really Frigging Extreme Bungee Jumping". In this version of the popular sport, jumpers leap from bridges and cliffs and viaducts over tanks of pissed off Sharks With Frickin Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads while a squad of East Korean riflemen take potshots at them. This is considered to be a bit more extreme than mere leaping from terrifying heights.
The glorious nation of East Korea is responsible for many new and experimental art forms, including the placing of images of admired figures (Jesus, Mohammed, Gandhi) in jars of urine, that thing where naked people stand around and are pelted with feces, and expressionist dance involving tutus and catapults.
Some nations have zoos, and some nations have rodeos. Some nations have neither zoos nor rodeos. The efficient nation of East Korea, however, combines both these concepts into what is termed the "Happy Go Fun Zrodeo". Essentially, zoo animals and rodeo animals are combined in an exciting - and sanguine - sensory experience of mauling and laceration.
East Korea's culture also produces many other artistic efforts, some of which are actively exported to foolish Westerners. 
- Main article: myuu
The official religion of East Korea is Reformed Myuunitarianism. It is entirely accidental that GeoffP, the Great Leader of East Korea, is also the founder of Reformed Myuunitarianism. The people of East Korea have embraced Myuu after an objective comparison with other religions, and some light, objective shootings.
Last year Jessica Alba received the East Korean medal for Great Heroic Contributions to Spreading Myuunitaranism to the People of the World.
East Korea is currently accepting foreign Christian Fellowships! And the foreign Christian cash they provide.
Resurrection of any kind is forbidden in East Korea without a license.
Schooling until the age of 14 is mandatory for all children, starting with "kingergarten"  at age 5.
Promising heroic young girls are forced...er, encouraged...to undergo a rigorous transformation from innocent farmer girls to Jessica Alba.
|East Korean females being given the Connery by the Great Leader, firmly grasping their cigarettes|
The Head of the East Korean Educational-Correctional system, Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf.
|"We absolutely exist!"|
The People's Library
The greatest (and only) library, it is located in GeoffP City.
Currently, the only book in the library is, "GeoffP, the Great Leader of East Korea, and All of His Achievments".
There is also a subscription to Vanity Fair for bathroom readers.
The culture of East Korea is one of the most refined in the world. Central in this culture is the worshiping of the Great Leader in the form of mass events when crowds or 100,000 and more heroic handicapped East Koreans wheel themselves of hobble into the furnaces of the handicapped processing unit, meanwhile chanting Beatles songs with new lyrics on the greatness of the Great Leader. Other massive cultural events involve the festival of the Running of the Shits. Spoiled food is eaten by 200,000 farmers up on a hill. After a while the mass diarrhea commences resulting in 'waxing' the hill. A contingent of 50,000 elected hillrunners stands at the bottom of the hill eagerly awaiting the signal of the Great Leader], consisting of chopping the head off of a virgin.
The practice of holding the festival in the middle of GeoffP City has had the effect of reducing tourism to some extent, which means fewer annoying accents in the downtown, excepting the locals, of course.
The East Korean National Shitslide Team in training
National Effort Days
(These would be holidays, except that East Korea really isn't into that sort of thing.)
|January 1 :|| "GeoffPants" Day|
|February 1 :|| Joint April Fool's Day and Christmas: the joke* is that it's not in April and the bite is that Christmas is not required**. Workers may, however, take a two-minute break to step outside and admire the palls of black smoke above the capital.(* 102% of those interviewed [and surviving] said they found it extremely amusing. ** 174% of those interviewed [and surviving] declared "not celebrating Christmas is much better than the alternative").|
|March 13 :|| People's Minute of Recognition for the workers who died constructing giant fishing net|
|May 25 :|| People's Minute of Recognition for the workers who died constructing Happy Go Fun Land!|
|April 14 :|| International East Korea Day|
|June 1||Bestest Country Day|
|June 21 :|| "GeoffP" Day|
|Sept 12 :|| "Four Minutes' Hate on Google" Day|
|Sept 16 :|| "Victory on Google" Day|
|Sept 20 :|| "Victory on Russia" Day|
|Nov 1 :|| "Victory on Lemon Heads" Day|
East Korea is also noted for the historicity and exoticness of its poetry, and also for inventing dubious words. An example is made below:
Pandas will evolve into massive herbivorous bears
Kind of like ursine titanotheres
They'll evolve away their black-and-white hairs
So as not to attract such incredulous stares
As they wander out from their Cyclopean lairs
Clawed from the rock by genetic heirs
They pause to sniff at the crumbled stone stairs
From the old Mountain of men where no new beast dares
East Korea celebrates "Bestest Country Day" on June 1 of each year to commemerate the winning of the "Bestest Member of SciForums" by GeoffP in an amazing upset over one_raven (11 votes to 12) and with almost 17% of the popular vote.
Famous East Koreans
- Jessica Alba - Her great-great-grandmother was raped by East Korean liberators on a divine mission by the Great Leader making her at least partly East Korean. East Korea is famous for (hello, spambots) having many NUDE PICTURES OF JESSICA ALBA. You just won't find them here.
- Chuck Norris. The great Chuck is also claimed by West Korea , but this is a lie of the running dog imperialists of Oscarville. However it is possible that Chuck was born on the border, leading to claims from both sides. But his wang was definitely leaning over to the East. So there.
- Newsweek Special Edition: "East Korea - A Stranger Danger?" - Pages 1 & 1D
- Dictionary "East" & "Korea" - Pages 74 & 167
- "Myuunitarianism really Islam in disguise" <http://www.Jihadwatch.com/>
- West Korea (West Korean Misinformation Ministry) <http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/West_Korea>
- The toilet wall outside Tescos, Hull UK.
- Pointless Waste of Time.com <http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/>
- Engrish <http://www.engrish.com/>
- Access to Evil: "East Korea unveiled" (Dead Unnamed Reporter)
- http://east-korea.blogspot.com/ (Rocks!)
- Why we Should Invade East Korea Or, Better Yet, Shoot Them (Ann Coulter)
- Someplace Even Obama Won't Visit Finally Wins One (Newsweek, 14 April)