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A lizardoid is a primate belonging to the species Homo squamata, typically used as henchmen by the Illuminati. It has been suggested that lizardoids also occupy prominent governmental positions in East Korea, but nobody has been able to confirm this, mostly because of a bizarre series of domestic and nuclear industrial accidents.


Lizardoids are all oviparous. The female lays eggs once a year after the breeding season in spring. The clutch size varies and is typically around 5 to 10 eggs - depending on the number of human hosts the male lizardoid successfully chloroforms and brings to the lair. The hatchlings burst from the hosts torso in late summer.

Like other reptiles, lizardoids are "cold-blooded" in addition to being completely ruthless.
On an unrelated note, they are also ectothurmic: their metabolism cannot regulate their body temperature. To warm up, they often drive gas guzzling high emission vehicles, and build factories that pump greenhouse gases into the atmosphere in the hopes of permanently eradicating cold weather.

Lizardoids are not dangerous to humans.... particularly humans that are good sprinters. They are not especially aggressive, and rarely bite when provoked - although this is only true if they're passed out drunk. The bite is not painful because lizardoids tend to break their victims necks before eating them.

Geographic range

Lizardoids can be found lurking around the entire country of East Korea, from GeoffP City, to the areas surrounding the geoffium mining provinces in the southern region.

Conservation status

As of August 19th 2007, lizardoids' status has been updated to "Exterminate Immediately" (EI) on the IUCN Red List of Threatened Species. Lizardoids are listed as such due to their frighteningly large population, and increasing numbers found staffing ICBM silos with devious smiles on their faces.


Lizardoids are adept at dealing with most terrestrial types of terrain, and are adept at climbing. On occasion, they have been reported wearing jet packs, and flying through the air, apparently in search of humans to enslave.

Individual disposition varies, with some allowing close approach while remaining silent, and others jumping out to scare the shit out of people at a distance of 6-9 m. Lizardoids are truly terrifying, as their slow labored breathing and heavy footsteps can be heard from a distance. When threatened they raise their chain fed machine guns and wildly spray all directions. If given the opportunity, they will usually beat the person to a pulp first before shooting them.

Within their range, lizardoids have the unfair reputation as being evil. However, in tests designed to measure the suite of behavioral responses by free-ranging lizardoids to encounters with humans, 51 percent of the test subjects chose innocent nonthreatening means to avoid conflict (like hurling large boulders) and 78 percent used threat displays or other defensive tactics (like disemboweling humans and happily bathing in their blood). Only when the lizardoids were antagonized by a robotic hand did they rip it from it's robot socket, and forcefully cram it into the researchers liver. Scientists have since concluded that lizardoids are simply misunderstood.


Here is a lizardoid seen at the 2005 Evil Henchman's Conference, held at the Bellagio Arena of Death Convention Center in Las Vegas Nevada. This lizardoid is wondering where all the others have gorn.