The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

this man is sitting on a bus when this young nun gets on he think she 's beautiful so he sit next to her and say's "sister i think you the most beautiful women i ever seen will you marry me" she say's " I'm sorry i cant marry you i'm married to god" and with that get's of the bus later as th man's getting of the bus the bus driver say's " I know that nun every morning a five am she's down by the river preying, so next morning he's down by the river dressed as jesus and say's to this nun " sister i am god and your married to me and i've come to consummate the marriage" she's say's oh you silly fucker you've picked the wrong week but I suppose you could do it up the back " so he fuck's this nun up the back , after he's filled with guilt so he say's to himself you've goto tell her so he say's "sister I am not god I am the man you met on the bus" she say's "I'm not the nun I'm the bus driver"

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

this nun was chasing the grows off her cabbage patch, and saying fuck off,fuck off.
disgusted on hearing the nun, the mother superior came rushing out,
and said, sister,sister,
dont say that say shoo ,shoo,
and that fuck off just the same.

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

Excellent work all!

Here's another:
Q-- What do Rod Hull and Emu have in common?

A-- Neither can fly.


The Flemster.

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

what's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
the pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

Why don't balcks and mexicans have children (together)?
the kids would be too lazy to steal.

how can you tell when a blond has been using the computer?
there is white out on the screen.

why do blonds like convertables?
more leg room.

why do blonds like tilt stearing?
more head room

a blond cuts and dyes her hair and, feeling much smarter, goes for a drive in the country. She comes across a flock of sheep crossing the road and stops the car.
Feeling intelligent, she steps out of her vehicle and says to the sheep hearder " if I can guess the number of sheep in your flock, will you give me one?"
the sheppard agrees.
the blond stands there and after trying to count the sheep as they move across teh road, decides that there are exactly 45 sheep in the flock and tells the shepard so.
"your right. go ahead and pick out any sheep you want. a deals a deal" he says.
she decideds on one that is smaller than the rest, black, and seems to listen really well. "this is the one I want" she says.
The shepard says, " Let me make you a deal. If I can guess you original hair color, you give me back my dog."

a blond driving down the road sees another blond in a boat in the middle of a field, fishing.
Angry, she stops the car and yells to the blond in the boat, "It's people like you that give us blonds a bad name! And if I could swim, I would come out there..."

thats all for now.

 

Hi Flemster, how you doing

A few more jokes...............................

-----------------------------------------------------------

A Paki karaoke singer - Gorrupta Singh

---------------------------------------------

New support group has started up in Bradford to help Muslim Fundamentalists with a drink problem. Its called Alky-eda.

----------------------------------------------------

Just had one of them Iraqi currys. Given me the fuckin Shi-ites.

-----------------------------------------------------

This is a visual joke...

Get a shoe or a boot and blow cigarette smoke into it - what is that?

An israeli waiting for a bus!

-----------------------------------------------------


Young Jimmy is absent from school one day. On his return,his teacher asks:"We dint see you in class - what was wrong with you yesterday Jimmy"?
"My daddy got burned miss " says Jimmy. Taken aback, the teacher replies, "Thats a shame, Jimmy,Was he badly burnt"?
Jimmy looks at her."well,they don't fuck about at the crematorium, miss."

--------------------------------------------------------

How do you circumsize a Mormon?
Kick his sister in the chin!

-------------------------------------------------------------


Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Micheal Jackson, Jackos lawyer said its all lies as he was in Brooklyn at the time.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a doctors with a steering wheel down his pants,the doctor says what happened, man says "I dont know but its driving me nuts".

--------------------------------------------------------------

Two nuns cycling down the road & one turns to the other & says, I've never come this way before. Her mate replies, me neither, it must be the cobblestones.



More soon......

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Why don't M&M's melt in Jesus' hands?

Because they fall through the holes.

Why is Jesus so tired?

Because he was up all night.


What does a French woman put behind her ears to attract men?

Her ankles.

 

Sheesh. You call these offensive?

How many Jews can you fit in a VW Bug?

-One in the drivers seat, one in the passengers seat, and 6 million in the ash tray

What does a Mexican get for Christmas?

-Your bike

Why do Mexicans refry their beans?

-Ever see a Mexican do something right the first time?

What do you call a Mexican baptism?

-A bean dip

Why did only 200 Mexicans show up at the alamo?

-They only had 4 cars to get there in

What do you call a barn full of black guys?

-Antique farm equipment

What does FUBU stand for?

-Farmers Used to Beat Us

What does Pontiac stand for?

-Poor old nigger thinks its a Cadillac

How do you keep 5 black guys from raping a white woman?

-Throw them a basketball

What do you call a white guy with 5 black guys around him?

-Coach

What do you call a white guy with 10 black guys around him?

-Quarterback

What do you call a black guy who's a teacher?

-Nigger

What do you call 5 black guys hanging from a tree?

-A Mississippi windchime

I'm sure more will come to mind soon. If you're offended, go fuck yourself

 

oh yeah!

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?

-Christopher Reeves after his house burns down

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

-Christopher Walken

 

sweet, remembered some more

Whats the difference between a black guy and a pizza?

-The pizza can feed a family of four

How are black people like sperm?

-Only one in 10 million actually work

What can a bench do that a black guy can't?

-Support an entire family

Settle down, its all in good fun, i don't hate anyone, mostly because everyone knows that hate leads to pain, pain leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the dark side.

 

Whats got 3 legs and lives on a farm?









Mr & Mrs Paul McCartney

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

AIDS stands for American Instigated Death Sentence,
GAY stands for Got Aids Yet,
if these are offensive then sorry.
only heard them the other day, this thread is for the most offensive joke.

 

AIDS= Arsehole Injected Death Syndrome

 

A hospital opens a new AIDS care unit. The boss is showing a dignitary round the place,and is asked, "do they have a special diet here?"
"they sure do" says the boss. "we feed them on pizza, pancakes, and kippers"
"thats a bizzare combination" says the dignitry."how come?"
"well, thats the only stuff we can slide under the door!"

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Excellent work, peeps!

Here's some I heard over the weekend:

A father and son are at the beach. The son is mentally disabled and is looking bored.
DAD: "Here, son, why don't you take this pound coin and go buy an ice cream from the ice cream van up there?"
SON: (in a mongy voice) "Fang yew, daddy."
The son spazzes his way up to the ice cream van and says;
"Can I have a 99 wiv a Flake, please?"
The ice cream man says nothing. He makes the ice cream and, instead of giving to the boy, shoves it in his face.
Upset, the boy spazzes back to his father and tells him what happened.
DAD:" That's strange, son. Look, here's another pound. Go and try again and if it happens again come and tell me and I'll sort it out."
SON: "Okay, daddy."
So the son spazzes back across the beach top the ice cream van and asks for another 99 with a Flake.
Again, the ice cream man makes the ice cream up and shoves it in the kid's face.
The son spazzes back across the sand and tells his dad.
Furious, the father storms up to the ice cream man;
DAD: "Oi! What's the big idea? Every time my son comes up here for an ice cream, you shove it in his face! Why did you do that?"
ICE CREAM MAN: (in a mongy voice) "I fort he was takin' the piss."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(I think this one will only work on people in England. Sorry, everyone else!)

A man walk up to a ticket counter in Kings Cross Station.
MAN: (In a bunged-up voice) "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plis."

TICKET GUY: "Sorry, sir?"

MAN: "Firt clah ticket to Nottin'am, plisss!"

TICKET GUY: (produces a packet of sweets) "You should try these, sir. New cherry menthol Tunes!"

MAN: "Why? Will they cure my Down Syndrome?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all I can remember for now!

The Flemster.

 

can you explain the English only one plz? :bugeye:

 

A 99 is a type of ice cream cone, very traditional, vanilla ice cream, a bar of very flakey ,crumbly chocolate. a few nuts spinkled on it.

This one is a spoof of an old advert for Tunes cold sweets. They are meant to unblock your nose when its all bunged up with snot . they don`t. so the guy is asking for a firet class ticket to nottingham, in a mongy voice. geddit?

 

Good Uns Flemster!


Another spazzey kid goes to the ice cream van and asks "Can I haf un iceshcream, pwease?

Ice cream fella says "Want owt on it, juice? nuts? flake?

Spazzy kids says "Dunt matter weally, I'm only going to drop it"

 

you've got to try, and picture this, as it's more a visual joke. so I'll try my best.
this man is standing infront of the urinal, at the local toilet. his shirt sleeves hang, loosely down the sides of his body. he's bursting for a piss.
another man walk's in, see this poor armless man standing there and says can I help. he answers, you could'nt unzip me, and get it out could you, I'm bursting.
so the man unzips this poor fellow, and puts his hand in, as he get it out, it has a yellowbrown pus, leaking out of a huge green swellings all over.
so he let's go in shock, the armless man has his pee.
after he's pee'd, the other man say's I suppose, you'd like me to put it back would you.
oh yes please he say's, so he does.
he then's say to the armless man, what the hell, is wrong with your cock. the armless men says (popping his hand out of the sleeves) I dont know, but I ain't touching it.

 

Thanks; but that I knew

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

It was the Tunes one I didn't know.


My addition:


It's not too offensive but you have to know about Formula 1 racing;

What do Montoya, Raikonnen and Coultard do after winning the F1 Championship?

Turn off their playstation.

haha

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

I've heard that we are going to have a re-run of "Roots" on TV


This time they're gonna play it backwards.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!