The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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we had some chinese people drown in morecambe bay the joke going round at the time was
two sharks swimming in the english canel one says to the other what shall we have for dinner tonight the other says lets goto morecambe i fancy a chinese.

when lord mount batten died in the explosion on his yauht the joke was,
what shampoo did he use answer head and shoulders as they found it on the beach.

when the aid's epidemic started this when round.
the queens going round the guys hospital and come's across a room that's locked she looks though the doors window and see a man groaning so she turns to a nurse and asks is he alright what are you feeding him on, he's got aid's your majesty and we feed him pancakes, pizza, pitta bread, sandwiches,flapjacks,bisguits.
the queens say why such a strange menu the nurse answers it's the only stuff we can slide under the door
a hard man with tattoos all over and one across his chest saying "I hate niggers"
walks into a bar the landlord says dont cause any problems i have a lot of black patrons.
just then a black man winding an organ playing zipa idy do dar come's in with a squirral monkey wearing a hat when he stop winding the monkey go'es round with his hat open the hard man put's twenty pounds in, the landlord see this and runs over and says i thought you did'nt like niggers, the hardman answer you cant take it out on the children can you.
I havent seen alot of dog jokes.... these are dedicated to the Animal Rights people.

Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no back legs?
A: Sparky

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: ... Right where you left him.

Q: Whats red and green and goes 100mph
A: A frog in a blender.

And one dead baby joke

Q: Whats worse than a pile of dead babies.
A: The one thats alive at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

Got to walk the dog, be back with more.
I know this is not an offencvie joke, but if your stoned or drunk this one is for you. You probly allready heard it, but hey.

Two muffins are in an oven, and the first one turns to the other one and says " Hey dont you think it gets getting a little hot in here." With that the second one replys " Holy shit a talking muffin"

awwww ya dont have to be so hard on the norwegians.... but the jokes are great! keep em comin, if i think of some, ill post em. :)
There are three blondes stuck on an isle, they had been there for a few days, when the stumbled across a magical lamp. One of the blondes rub's the lamp and sure enough a geniue pops out and says I will grant each of you a wish. The first blonde says, make me smart so I can think of a way to get off this isle. He points his finger at her, and she turns into a redhead, after a few mins the blond heads twoards the water and swims. The next blonde says, make me even smarter than her so I can get off this island. So he points his finger and she becomes a brunette, and she bulids a boat and sets sail. The last one says make me smarter than both of them combined, and he points his finger at her and turns her into a man, the man than walks across the foot bridge to the other side.
In the mood for blonde bashing....

How do you confuse a blonde?
You take her to a round ball shaped room and tell her to find a corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?
When she tells you she found one.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair a diffrent collor?
Artificial intelligence.
what does a blonde put behind her ears,
her legs.
two cows in a field one says to the other, what do you think of this mad cow disease,
the other says, I dont care I'm a rabbit.
a banana and vibrator, in a blondes bedroom ,the banana says to the vibrator, why are you shaking she going to eat me.
just a silly one to finish.
What has four legs and goes 'Shhhhhhhh'?

A-- Rod Hull's telly.

This is turning into a very useful thread, people. Keep 'em pouring in and I'll have plenty of pub ammo for weeks to come!

The Flemster.
Son can you tell the difference between the British tanks, and the Iraqi tanks?
No sir!
Then welcome to the United States Army.........


Was big chief sitting bull gay ?

I heard he was a brave fucker!!!

The US Army are planning on making a film starring Hugh Grant in IRAQ, its called 1 Wedding and 40 Funerals

A man walks into Asda and slaps his knob on the check out and says - Now roll that fucker back

I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal, one tin of soup.

I leaned over and said your single arent you?

She said how can you tell?

I said "cos your ugly as fuck!!


"Doctor! I think my wife is dead."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up."


Lad comes home from school and says to his mum "I've got the biggest knob in the third year, is it cos I'm black?". She says "No its because you're 19 you fucking retard".


Jesus walks into the Hilton hotel with 3 nails and says, "Can you put me up for Easter?"


Paki was found dead with 50 stab wounds in his back - Coroner says "Thats the worst case of suicide I've seen for years"


Paki walks into an off-licence and asks "Please recommend to me your finest port"

Shopkeeper says "Southampton - fuck off"
what do you call a bunch of mexicans running down the street?
the border.

what happens when a jewish boy with a boner runs into a wall?
he breaks his nose

how do you exterminate the black race?
shut down K-mart

whats white, hard, and 9 inches long?
Okey, I'll first start by repeating a joke against my own race:

How do you tell when an Indian boy becomes a man? When the diaper goes from the bottom to the top.

Okey, and now some offensive jokes from

Africa: The proof that, by being enslaved by whites, blacks never had it so good.

African-Americans: (1) A people who were once enslaved, but who now enjoy special privileges as a result of constantly whining that they are oppressed; (2) A people who keep changing their name -- niggers, darkies, colored people, negroes, blacks, Afro-Americans, African-Americans -- because they keep trying to run away from all the unpleasant associations which their behavior keeps attaching to them.

Antisemite: (1) Originally, one who did not like Jews; now, one whom the Jews do not like (Lou Rollins)

Bigot: One who disagrees with a liberal.

Black caucus: A bunch of Crows who Caw and Cuss in a place called Incongruous.

Conservative: A liberal who's been mugged. (Unknown)

Discrimination: Preferring the desirable to the undesirable.

Equality: The theory that black equals white, dumb equals smart, incompetence equals competence, lies equal truth, and bad equals good.

Feminist: A man-eating tigress; a female with all the vices of women and none of the virtues; a woman who couldn't find a man and couldn't even get work as a whore.

Gun control: The belief that no one has the right to shoot back.

Hitler: A man who is hated so much by Jews that they are constantly building memorials to his work.

Homosexuals: Men who have confused boys with girls, toilet stalls with bedrooms, and lovemaking with frolicking in a sewer.

Jesse Jackson: A man whose expertise in racism comes from referring to New York as 'Hymietown' and serving whites soup into which he had spit.

Liberal: Someone who believes it is his moral duty to let minorities take their pleasure in everybody else's backside besides his own.

Mexico: A toilet on which America sits, and which is beginning to back up.

NAACP: The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Who Would Be Offended If You Called Them That.

Nigger: A term of denigration used in referring to negroes, and frequently used by negroes to refer to one another, thereby showing that negroes know what they are talking about.

Prejudiced: Less willing to believe what the government tells you about minorities than what you are told by family, friends, or your own eyes.

Racial slur: An unpleasant truth.

Third World: A place that has a great love for whites, provided only they are baked, boiled or roasted.

Welfare: Taking money from the productive and giving it to the unproductive so they can not only remain unproductive, but can breed even more unproductives.

Raj Ganatra
How bout another blonde joke?

How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?

When a tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
there's a blonde a redhead and a brunette on top of a burning building.

firemen get there and hold a blanket tightly at the bottom so that they can catch the 3 women when they jump.

So the brunette goes first, and jump off the burning building, but the SWOOSH the firemen pull the blanket out from under her, and she hits the sidewalk instantly makiung her loony-toon pancake style.

then the fire men say to the red head "Jump! Jump! Don't worry it's only brunette's we dont like, we love readheads! Trust us and Jump!"

So the redhead jumps off and then SWOOSH the blanket's gone and she turns into a large red splat on the pavement.

Then the firemen say "Jump! Jump! its only redheads and brunettes we dont like! We love blondes! Trust us and jump!"

Then the blonde says "I dunno... I dont trust you men, so here's what i want you to do. Put The blanket down and walk AWAY from the blaket"
Vienna! You're back!!!
I thought you'd been deported or something. Cool jokes, btw.
I'm totally drawing a blank today, joke wise, but then I have one fucker of a hangover.

The Flemster.
a man is giving himself a hand shandy(wank) and he come's in his hand ,
he take's a long learing look at this come. and start to talk to it he say's you could have been a film star a brain surgeon or even president and he flip's it into his other hand and then say's on the other you could turn out to be a bastard like me, i'll give you another chance and then suck's it up and swallows
two cowboy's in a saloon one say's to the other,I bet you fifty buck's you cant take a sip of that spitoon over there , with that the other cowboy put's it to his mouth a drink's the lot, his friend say i told you to take a sip .
he reply's well it was all in one lump.
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