The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?

A clit round the ear and a flap across the face ;)
this guy walks into a whore house,he see's three doors with blonde, brunette, and redhead painted on them.
so he open's the one marked blonde, and there's three more door's,big tit's, medium tit's, and small tit's.
so he open's the one marked big tit's, and again three more, this time marked,small cunt, medium cunt, and big cunt.
so he open's the big cunt door, and he's back out in the street.
Vienna said:
Ronald Reagan recently died and went to heaven, and there he met Saint Peter. He started to look around and he noticed there were thousands of clocks everywhere. As he looked over at one he noticed that the hand moved just two ticks.
He asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks in heaven?"

Saint Peter answered, "Well, every time someone on earth has a wank - their clock moves one second."

Reagan said, "OK, I think I get it, which one is spuriousmonkey's clock?"

Saint Peter answers, "God has it up in his office, he's using it as a FAN!"



The Flemster.
An Iranian shi'ite muslim, an american soldier and two jews walk into a bar, the jews say 'two lemonades please' and the iraqi terrorist bartender, blows himself up.....
George W and Bin Laden are sitting watching Star Trek. Bin turns to George and says "This is crap, they have blacks , chinese, gays , aliens, every race and creed apart from muslims. Its not very realistic is it?" George turns to Bin Laden and says
" Oh yes it is, what you don`t understand Bin, this is Star Trek, its set in the FUTURE!"
Lemming3k said:
An Iranian shi'ite muslim, an american soldier and two jews walk into a bar, the jews say 'two lemonades please' and the iraqi terrorist bartender, blows himself up.....

Don't get it.

The Flemster.
(England are out of the Euro 2004 Finals due to either a dodgy referee, David Beckham's disastourous penalty and/or any number of other reasons. It didn't take long for the jokes to start circulating...)

Q-- What have the England football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?

A-- They're both fucking useless in Europe.

Guess what landed in my back garden earlier?

Beckham's penalty.

Victoria (Posh Spice) Beckham has broken the World Record for gang bangs.
In 120 minutes, her shaven cunt managed to fuck the entire country!

The Flemster.
What's better than sex with a 12 year old Mexican boy?


(heard that rafting in West Virginia..frankly I'm not surprised)
Its april 1st and a man recieves a phone call from the hospital saying his wifes about to give birth, so he drives like crazy to get there and the doctor says 'the babies doing great your wifes really happy' takes him into the room, which is empty, the man says 'what the fucks going on?' And the doctor says 'april fool, your wifes dead and your babies a spastic'.
a jew a gay guy and a child molestor die and go to heaven...
god decides the 3 of them deserve to live again...
so he told the child molestor "of you touch a child again your going to die"
he told the gay guy "if you think about sex with a man again your going to die"
he told the jew "if you be cheap again your going to die"
so they all went back to earth walking in a single file line..
the child molestor saw a little boy trip and fall and as soon as he picked him up, he died...
the jew saw a penny on the ground, bent over to pick it up and both the jew and the gay guy died
Q-- What's the difference between a Christian blow-up doll and a Muslim blow-up doll?

A-- The Muslim one blows itself up.

The Flemster.
this man want's to be a monk,(please dont ask why) the the father of the monestry. say's you'll have to go though a test, to see if your monk material.
what we do is tie a bell to the end of you knob, and parade a naked beautiful woman,
in front of you,and if the bell rings you cant join.
so he takes the test, and to make him feel comfortable all the other monks are standing behind him with bell's on there's too.
so in walk's the woman, and his bell starts to ring, it ring's so much it fall's off, and he bend's down to pick it up, and all the other bell's rang.
This has to be the sickest joke I've ever heard in my life.


This joke is in EXTREMELY poor taste and is not even funny.

Do not read it.

Joke is as follows:

Q. What's the worst part of fucking a baby?
A. Disposing of the body afterwards.


*Throws up* :x
Now going for the baby jokes? Hah, I know many of them, and all are disgusting...


You´ll do it anyway, won´t you?

Here you go. I WARNED YOU!

Q: What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
A: An erection.

Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

Q: What's pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.

Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

Q: What's the best sound in the world?
A: Hearing dead baby's hips crack under pressure!

Q: How do you stop a baby from choking?
A: Take your dick out of its mouth.

Q: Whats the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
A: Grandmothers dont die when you fuck them in the ass

Now, who was laughing and who had to puke?
Oh, I suppose to some, they are. For people who like babies and such...

Truth to tell, I was also laughing when I typed them.
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