The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

Not open for further replies.
Jim Norton owns you all with this list o' lists:

The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.
Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.
The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.
My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
Dinners my mother made that tasted worse than the diharreah of a cancer patient.
The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.
Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
Fat girls I've stood up on New Year's Eve.
The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.
Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
Neighborhoods I’ve been chased out of due to Megan’s Law.
The 5 prettiest girlfriends I ever lost by chasing them with doo doo on a stick.
Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.
Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
Black churches I bombed in the south.
20 people I hope die of leukemia.
The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
Celebrity face I've painted on my scrotum.
Inappropriate times I've screamed, "Cunt!" at my grandmother.
American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
The 5 nicest hineys I ever sniffed by accident.
Altzeimer patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.
Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
25 autistics I think are faking it.
Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
My 5 most impressive achievements as a N.A.M.B.L.A. member.
Girls I’ve fingered in their sleep.
10 things I’ve done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.
Sexual fantasies I’ve had revolving around pig feces.
Under aged girls I’ve had erection difficulties with.
Girlfriends who’ve caught me 69ing with their fathers.
Parasites I’ve caught nesting in my pubic hair.
The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
The 6 most disgusting Port o Johns I’ve fallen into face first.
Relatives I’ve gotten erections with while slow dancing.
Is it wrong for me to laugh? I guess that's an issue for EM&J right there.
That joke is my personal weakness. Any other offensive joke I can pretty much deadpan after one or two tries, but this one, learned in ninth grade, still splits a grin sixteen years later. It's so damn evil!
A random thought on political correctness and dirty jokes:

• My first porno magazines were, in the time-honored tradition, stolen from my father. From the mid-70s, well ... black hair, mirrored sunglasses, black lingerie ... it looked like Joan Jett in a porno dream. But in that collection were three cartoons. First, the actually offensive ones; I can't remember which magazine, and so I won't guess.

- A black man dressed like a pimp stands on a streetcorner with a black woman with some back. And some front. And a very short skirt. In their wake, a dozen white men lay gasping on the sidewalk. The man shouts, "Woman! I thought I told you to wash that pussy!"

- A large, evil fish with sharp teeth swims under a pier. He holds a fishing rod, and has cast the line up the pier. As he reels thae quarter-section of watermelon back in, a curly-haired, wide-nosed, gargantuan-lipped, heroin-skinny, bug-eyed black man salivates as he pursues the bait down the pier.

And, lastly, from Hustler, shortly after the Revolution in Iran:

- A scarecrow resembling Khomeni perches menacingly over a pumpkin patch.

This cartoon received all sorts of angry letters, and in true Flynt fashion, they ran the cartoon again so everyone would know what the letters to the editor were about. Apparently, some Jewish persons had a problem with the use of crows. Black birds with large beaks notwithstanding, at the time I thought it was an excellent cartoon. I actually had to read the news to figure it out, and in the end, missing out on the crow issue, I laughed mightily at the cartoon.
Q What do you call a bunch of niggers running down a hill?

A You call it a mudslide.

Q How was copper wire invented?

A Once, two Jews grabbed the same penny...

Roman said:
How much does Jesus love you?

*Spread arms and look mopey*

This much.

Ha Ha Ha!
Invert - don't think so.

Rap - I've heard a different version.

What do you call a buncha white guys running down a hill? Avalanche. Buncha black guys? Mudslide. Bunch Mexicans? Prison break.
Here's one:

A guy decided that he wanted to be a black guy. So he goes to the doctor to find out what kind of surgeries need to be done. The doctor outlines a plan of skin darkening, penis extension, hair-curling, etc... Then, when all this is done, the most important part of the operation is to be done, cutting out half the guy's brain.

So, the guy goes for it, all the operations are done flawlessly until the brain surgery. During the brain surgery, an earthquake rocks the hospital and causes the surgeon's hand to slip. He accidently cuts out 3/4 of the brain instead of 1/2. The surgeon corrects the problem as much as he is able, but not much can be done to reattach the severed brain. So he closes him up and waits to see the results.

Later, the guy wakes up and the surgeon comes in to ask him questions. "Mr. Johnson, can you hear me?"

A very good crop of stuff so far, ladies and gennelmen. Keep up the (lack of) quality!

Anyway, here's another from me:

Young Susan asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
DAD: "Only if you suck my cock, Susan. You know the rules..."
Susan sighs and drops to her knees. Dad whips his unit out and she plants her lips around it. Instantly she recoils in disgust.
SUSAN: "Eurrghh! It tastes like shit!"
DAD: " Yeah, your brother wanted to borrow twenty bucks..."

(Not really offensive--just shite!)

The Flemster.
An elderly manis driving down the M1when his mobile rings.Answering it,he hears his wifeon the other end.
"albert",she says,"please be carefulwhen you`re driving back.I just heard on the radio
that there`s a maniac on the M1.he`s driving the wrong way!"
"its not just one" albert replies,"There`s fucking hundreds of them!"
whats the difference between a blonde and a walrus?

one has fishy flaps and whiskers and the other is a walrus
That last would probably be more offensive and accurate if you replace blonde with and ethnic group of some type... eskimo perhaps. Although there's few eskimos around to offend.
so its alright to discriminate against blondes but not to discriminate against an ethnic group???
Blondes are too stupid to be offended. :p

Nah, it's just that blonde jokes are to blase nowadays. Not very offensive. It was funny joke though. But if I ever repeat it to someone, I'll make it an ethnic female. That's sure to ruffle some feathers.
Balls to blondes. If anyone is offended on this site then they're really missing the point and, as a result, deserve to be insulted.
Remember: They're only jokes!!!

Anyway, here's another from me:

Q-- What's the difference between a Muslim and a bag of shit?
A-- The bag.

The Flemster.
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned.
"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
"Nah, it's just that blonde jokes are to blase nowadays. Not very offensive. It was funny joke though. But if I ever repeat it to someone, I'll make it an ethnic female. That's sure to ruffle some feathers."

gotta love ruffling feathers :p

Flemster, nice joke, i gotta use that whenever i find someone i want to insult
what do you get if you cross a nigger with a paki?

a car thief that can`t drive
Here's another. (Although it's only offensive to cannibals).

A cannibal walks into the clearing his tribe uses for a toilet. He sees his best friend having a shit and crying his eyes out.
"What's wrong with you?" he asks.
His pal looks up at him with watery eyes and asys "I've just dumped my girlfriend."


Keep 'em coming, kids!

The Flemster.
A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The landlord runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes backto the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is agaian out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it upsticks it up his arse,and then eats it.
The landlord,having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him.
"Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"
Not open for further replies.