01-25-03, 11:36 AM #161
How Dare You?
One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she's walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says, "Your hair smells really nice today." She grimaces and stomps into her manager's office.
She says, "I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!" and then relates what happened.
The manager says, "What's wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?"
Furious, she snarls, "He's a midget!"
01-25-03, 11:39 AM #162
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you are." Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up as his anger increases.
"I want the house," she insists, pressing her luck. Again the husband speeds up, to eighty mph. She says, "I want the kids, too," but he just drives faster and faster. By now he's up to ninety mph.
"All right, she says, "I want the car, the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," she says, "so what have you got?"
And only seconds before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the husband smiles and says, "The airbag."
01-25-03, 11:42 AM #163
Pack your bags
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!!!!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the HECK OUT!"
01-25-03, 11:44 AM #164
Which Feels Better?
When a man and women have sex, who feels better, the man or the woman?
Well, if you stick your finger in your ear to scratch it, which feels better, the finger or the ear?
01-25-03, 11:49 AM #165
The Morning After
A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning came, and the groom went into the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower. He asked his bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she got to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride in broad daylight.
Her eyes went up and down. About midway down, she stopped and stared, then asked shyly, "What`s THAT?"
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
01-25-03, 11:51 AM #166
The Driver's Wife
A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.
"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver.
The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."
The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."
That is not true, sir; I always wear my seat belt," replies the driver.
"No, you don’t, I'm always telling you to put your seat belt on," says the driver’s wife.
"Damn it, woman," the driver explodes, "can’t you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?"
The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"
"Oh, no, officer," she says, "no sir, only when he's drunk."
01-25-03, 11:54 AM #167
The Female always makes The Rules.
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
01-25-03, 11:56 AM #168
What's the best way to upset your wife while you're having sex?
Call her on the phone.
01-25-03, 11:58 AM #169
Ending a relationship is just like adjusting your underwear: You feel better when the creep is gone.
01-25-03, 12:01 PM #170
A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiance.
"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."
"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."
"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiance.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?"
The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."
01-25-03, 12:03 PM #171
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?
She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about an electric chair?!?"
01-25-03, 12:05 PM #172
A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
01-25-03, 04:25 PM #173
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
01-25-03, 04:29 PM #174
Four for the Ladies
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him and tell him he can only have one.
What do men and panty hose have in common?
They either run, cling, or don't fit right in the crotch.
What's the biggest difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
Rename the email folder "Instruction Manuals."
01-25-03, 04:31 PM #175
Mad Cow Disease
Mad Cow Disease
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
01-25-03, 04:35 PM #176
1. A blonde is driving home one evening and decides to try something new, so she pulls into the video store to rent a porno. She chooses the title she likes best and drives home, then puts on something comfortable and inserts the video into her VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the tape, so she calls the store and explains what happened. The clerk asks her the name of the tape, and she says, "Head Cleaner."
2. What's the difference between a hole in the road and making love?
One knackers your tires, and the other tires your knackers.
3.How are men like floor tiles?
Because if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
01-25-03, 04:47 PM #177
1. A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his head.
Bar bartender asks "where did ya get that?"
Parrot says, "Africa, they're everywhere."
2. What happened to the Jew with an erection when he walked into a wall? ...He broke his nose.
3.How do you say "Fuck You" in Yiddish?
4. Why can't Mexicans cross the boarders in threes?
Because it says NO TRESpassing.
5. Three Gay Guys Sitting In A Bath Tub. A Condom Floats To The Top. ..One Guy Says "Who Farted?"
6. Why do gay men have moustaches?
So they can hide the stretch marks.
01-25-03, 04:49 PM #178
The Tree Expert
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to
grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of
a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on
the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a
tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It
is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my
friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
01-26-03, 04:18 AM #179
Watch Out For That Tree
A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
Watch Out For That Tree
01-26-03, 04:20 AM #180
A 64-year-old accountant left a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read, "Dear wife, I am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, "Dear husband, I too am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. Being an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 64 many more times than 64 goes into 18."