Jokes and Funny Stories

50 years of marriage

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've
been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were
probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny
snickered, "What do you say........ Should we get naked?"

And so they stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey,"
the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as
they were fifty years ago!" "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's
in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic amnesiac?

He lays awake at night pondering if there really is a dog.

 

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Never give up!

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
Gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife
again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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i'd tell you guys a joke, but, you most likely wouldn't get it. nobody else seemed to when i told it before. so, ixnay on the oak-jay.

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Blondes!

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a
compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She
opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmmm, this person
looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one
looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him
in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she
does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun
and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey,
don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde
replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see
that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once
and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first
to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his
dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at
the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the
steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home
to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

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Irishman in Britain !

An old woman, a young woman, an Englishman, and an
Irishman are traveling in the compartment of a train together
across the British countryside. Each of the four is ignoring
the other three.

Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel, and the compartment is
thrown into pitch-blackness. Out of the darkness comes the
sound of a kiss, then the sound of a slap.
The train leaves the tunnel, and the travelers act as though
nothing happened.

The old woman, however, is thinking to herself, "Look at that
young woman sitting there next to me, acting as if nothing
happened. I KNOW the Englishman kissed her."
The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would an
Irishman kiss an old lady?"

The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I didn't to anything!
Why'd I get MY face slapped?" And the Irishman is thinking
to himself, "How do you like that? I kiss the back of my hand,
slap an Englishman in the face and get away with it!"

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The Barber!

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this
fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to
treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided
that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've
got one hell of a mustache!"

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Motherinlawn!

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight
up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled
over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was
startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring
coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked.
"We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped,
"That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't
believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk
for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

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Micro: are you amusing yourself?

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Like a horny dog! Why, you don’t like it?

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SAY IT WITH FLOWERS

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again...for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big
deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure ... but he always has expectations
after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the
next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

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Singles!

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys the following...

1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube of toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 single serving cereal

1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says

"So, you single?"

The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're f***ing ugly".

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Diver!

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

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Community message!

Remember, when someone annoys you it
takes 42 muscles in your face to frown?

Well, ...It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and BITCH-SLAP the mother f*cker in the head...

 

A Brunette Joke for a change!

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams
in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes
her ankle and screams and so it goes on.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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Grandma!

The cops raided the local brothel and had all the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon.

A little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what the line was for. She indicated they were giving out lollipops. The little old lady liked lollipops so she got in line too.

When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?"

She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them.

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Elderly

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring,
faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides
that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart.
Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place
the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately
below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches
in the elderly woman's left thigh.

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Live long!

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"

"Oh.. Half a pack a day."

"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

"Do you want to live long?"

"Yes."

"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

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Pain preventions!

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.
As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my
privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be
careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

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Truck drivers.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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