Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  1. IXL777 mature with wisdom Registered Senior Member

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    Micro.. you certainly know how to amuse people
    dominic

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  3. EvilPoet I am what I am Registered Senior Member

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    A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

    "Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."

    So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. "Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fatts Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."

    A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic. "Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."
     
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  5. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Big to knock!

    This man went to a whore house. he had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do? With that he replyed I rang the door bell didn't I?

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  7. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Simple!

    Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

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  8. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Wife 'n Time!

    Wife: Darling, you know that shockproof, waterproof, anti-magnetic, un-breakable watch you bought me?
    Husband: Yes, darling.
    Wife: Well, it caught fire.
    Husband: Good grief.
    Wife: But it`s all right. I threw it in the river to put it out.
    Husband: It cost too much to throw away.
    Wife: It`s alright. I fished the watch out of the river and it`s still running.
    Husband: The watch is still running?
    Wife: No. The river, stupid!

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  9. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Cheap or Sheep sex?

    A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
    Indian: "Horse no talk"
    Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
    Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
    Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
    Indian: "Dog no talk."
    Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
    Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
    Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
    Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

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  10. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    No BOOKA please!

    Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.
    He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
    The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
    The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
    The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

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  11. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    The Amish Girl..

    There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night.
    As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night, and the Amish still ride in buggies.
    Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves.
    The Girl said to her mother, "it's supposed to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?"
    Her mother replied, "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there way.
    On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees.
    Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?"
    She replied, "my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm."
    Her date said to her, "well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?"
    The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did.
    After returning home from her date she asked her mother, "What do you know about them there dicks?"
    Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?"
    The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"

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  12. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    US Navy

    This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

    CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

    AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

    CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

    CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
    WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse . . . Your call.

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  13. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Only in Canada

    1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
    2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
    3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
    4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
    5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
    6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
    7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.
    9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
    10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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  14. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Powerful Bush IQ?

    A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:
    "Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."

    "That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!" .

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  15. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    cum again

    Monica Lewinski takes a dress to her cleaners to have a stain removed. She tell the old man working there it has a stain on it and she wants him to get it out.The old man says cum again. Monica says no mustard.

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  16. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Tony Blair

    Whats the difference between Tony Blair
    and a tampon?

    Nothing there both stuck up cunts!!!

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  17. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Unusual Laws

    "No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit" (West Virginia).

    In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

    Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.

    Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

    Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)

    "Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited" (California).

    It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.

    "It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing." (Texas)

    An ancient law in Indonesia prohibited men from masturbating. The punishment was decapitation.

    It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (Alabama)

    In ancient Rome, people found guilty of murdering their fathers were executed in a bizarre manner. The punishment was to be put in a sack with a rooster, a viper, and a dog, then drowned along with all three animals.

    In Colombia, if a Goajiro woman is successful in tripping a man during a ceremonial dance, he's required to have intercourse with her.

    When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.

    In Arkansas, law states that the name must be pronounced "Arkansaw".

    Early in 1975, the U.S. Senate actually voted on the following:
    "A motion to table a motion to reconsider a vote to table an appeal of a ruling that a point of order was not in order against a motion to table another point of order against a motion to bring to a vote the motion to call up the resolution that would institute a rules change."

    It's illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.

    "It is illegal to give a drink of water to anyone unless you have a permit" (New York).

    "It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water." (Arizona)

    It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

    In July 1981, a tortoise was sentenced to death for murder. Tribal elders in Kyuasini, a village in Kenya, formally condemned the tortoise because they suspected it of causing the death of six people, apparently through magic. However, because none of the villagers was prepared to risk the tortoise's wrath by carrying out the execution, it was instead chained to a tree. The tortoise was later freed after the government promised an official inquiry into the deaths.

    In Turkey during the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.

    An Athens legislator named Solon passed a law in the 6th century that let fathers sell their fornicating daughters into slavery.

    It was the law in Scotland in 1288 that for each year known as "lepe yeare" any maiden lady could ask the man she liked to be her husband. If he refused and didn't have a good excuse he would be "mulcted of ye sum of one pound or less" (essentially, he would owe her a dollar). France enacted a similar law a year later.

    At one time, there was a law in India that forbade lower-caste people from casting their shadows on a member of the Brahman (the upper class).

    After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. (Maine)

    In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become one year older on New Year’s Day.

    'Turtle racing is prohibited within the city limits" (Florida).

    Citizens of Monaco are prohibited from gambling in Monte Carlo, but they're exempt from taxation.

    It's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle in London.

    "It is illegal to lasso a fish" (Tennessee).

    In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts ordered that anybody caught feasting or laying off from work, or in any other way goofing off on any other day other than Christmas, would be fined five shillings for each such offense.

    Rapists in Nambia can choose either castration or 20 years of hard labor.

    "It is against the law to advertise on tombstones" (Virginia).

    "Dogcatchers are required to be psychoanalyzed by a psychiatrist to determine if they are qualified to chase stray mutts" (Texas).

    Up until the early 20th century, New Jersey and Wisconsin had laws allowing the castration of epileptics.

    Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.
     
  18. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    1,838
    The Firing Squad

    Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

    Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

    The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

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  19. wesmorris Nerd Overlord - we(s):1 of N Valued Senior Member

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    I laughed SO hard when this happened, mind you it was completely spontaneous:

    My Jamaican friend (who is black) says to me as he's leaving the room "I'll be right black".

    Me, without missing a beat "I'll be white here." :bugeye:

    Hehe.
     
  20. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Gas Problem "%$§%&§"

    A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

    The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

    The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

    The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

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  21. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    1,838
    Thanks!

    Nice, keep up the good work. Hey, you may suggest your friend to read the other joke about Bill Gates’s party and the black guy pushed into the pool!

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  22. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    Ask Another Doctor !

    The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

    By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

    "I was in bed."

    "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

    "Getting a second opinion"

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  23. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

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    More on Blondes...

    A blonde walking by the river came across another blonde directly across from her. The first blonde waved to the other and said "hey, how do i get to the other side"? The other blonde answered "You're already on the other side".

    There's this blonde who goes into an electronics shop, and asks the bloke in there if she can buy this TV. But the bloke says Sorry, we dont serve blondes.
    So she goes away, dyes her hair brown, and goes back. Sorry, we dont serve blondes, the bloke says.
    So she goes back and dyes her hair ginger, but he still tells her they dont serve blondes.
    Sooooo, she goes back yet again, but dyes her hair black. Again, she asks if she can buy the TV, but yet again, she cant get served.
    Look, she says, how can you tell i'm a blonde, even tho i've dyed my hair???
    Soory lady, thats a microwave!!!!

    Jeperady!
    There is three blonds playing Jeperady. The anoucer says, "This is the final question. How many "D's" are in Jeperady?" The first blond goes 1." He goes up to number 2 and she says "1000." "I'm not even going to ask," the anoucer said. He goes up to the third blond and she says "33" How did you get 33?" he asked. The blond goes, Dun Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun...


    There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.

    So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

    The boss left and so did they.
    The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.
    The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.
    The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

    The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

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