Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Blond too Blond!

    One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass".

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  2. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  3. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Alligators stay away from blondes!

    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

    Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  4. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  5. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Space blond!

    A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

    "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

    After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

    They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

    Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

    Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

    The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

    The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  6. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  7. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Blond: The exam!

    The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

    She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

    During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

    The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on...

    She replied, "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, I am rechecking my answers!!"

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  8. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Wisdom is no Joke!

    1. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

    2. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right
    wrench to pound in the correct screw.

    3. It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.

    4. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

    5. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
    saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
    without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

    6. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make
    violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy

    7. Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

    8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

    9. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the
    answer.


    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  9. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Shorties...

    A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you
    see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist.
    "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."


    A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door
    and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
    He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
    "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well
    enough."


    A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it:
    "I pray for all."
    A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
    A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
    A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."

    A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up
    each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at him and
    asks what he can do for him.
    "Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately."
    "Well, I can see you are not eating right."

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  10. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Women's things!

    A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar." Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct. He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar." She said "That can't be right!" The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  11. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    The repairman and the impaired.!

    A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He comes up
    to the first room and sees a man, swinging an imaginary baseball bat.
    "What the hell are you doing" he asks.

    "I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a home run I'm outta here!", replies the
    man. The repairman wishes him well and continues on his way.

    In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club.
    "What the hell are YOU doing?" he asks.
    "I'm Jack Nicklaus. As soon as I make a hole in one I'm outta here!"
    replies the man.

    The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the
    next room. There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of
    his penis.
    "WHAT THE HELL are you doing!" he asks.

    "I'm f*u*c*k*i*n*g nuts, I'm never gettin outta here! "

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  12. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Aussies!

    An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.

    The Italian says - "When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy"

    The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

    The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean on the curtains. She hits the f...ing roof !!!"

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  13. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Breakfast?

    A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  14. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Sexes

    "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." Men's Quote of the Day: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then they turn full-bodied with age until they go sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  15. IXL777 mature with wisdom Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,737
    Micro,...you are going to wear yourself out before the week is out..but thanks again for the great input
    dominic

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

    :m:
    The Aussie joke was brill!!

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  16. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Yes! I think you’re right. My girlfriend keeps complaining
    saying that if I could finger her like I do to the keyboard she
    promise not to take me in literally!

    So… A little break, but I’ll be back.

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  17. IXL777 mature with wisdom Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,737
    not too long I hope.....I will try to remember some jokes.
    dominic

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  18. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Dry ones!

    When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.

    When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
    Top management discusses golf.

    Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

    A bloke walks into the newsagent and says "can I have the paper please?"
    The fellow behind the counter replies "Sure, you want todays or
    tomorrows" The bloke said "Ummm, I'll have tomorrows then thanks" The
    fellow replies "Well come back in the bloody morning."


    Walked past a man with one arm the other day and I said
    "Where are you going?"
    "I'm going to change a light bulb", he replied.
    "Will you be able to manage that?" I asked.
    "Yeh, no problem, I've got the receipt!

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  19. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Cash Doctor

    Doctors always think on money first!


    A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother. One morning she was over at the doc's house when her daughter-in-law
    called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should
    bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, "I don't think it's necessary, just watch him closely for any change."

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  20. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Radar Check!

    A cop was manning his radar trap when along came a white dude in his Chevy doing 45 in a 35 zone. The cop pulled him over and asked what was the hurry. The dude said "I just got a call on my job saying my wife has been taken to the hospital, I don't know what's wrong and I'm in a hurry to get there." The cop told him to slow down, be careful, etc. and sent him on his way. He no sooner got set back up when a Mexican dude came by in his Ford station wagon going 55 in a 35 zone. The cop pulled him over. "Senor, my wife she is very sick, they call me on my job, maybe she live, maybe she die, I don't know......" The cop gave him a verbal warning too and sent him on his way. He went back to his trap and a black dude in his Cadillac came through doing 65 in a 35. The cop pulled him over and said "I suppose your wife is sick?" The black dude wiped his mouth with his shirt sleeve and said "Oh no sir, that's barbeque sauce!"

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  21. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    MF Gas in Mexico!

    An American black dude was driving his Cadillac in Mexico and pulled into a station for gas. There was a Mexican boy sitting on a fruit crate peeling an apple. The black dude got impatient. "Hey, how about pumping me some mother fucking gas?" The kid said "Senor, we don't like that word 'mother fucker' in this country.", and kept on peeling his apple. The dude said, "Hey, I said I need some mother fucking gas!" The kid said, "Senor, I done told you, we don't like that word 'mother fucker' here." The dude said "You gonna pump me some mother fucking gas or am I gonna have to pump it my self." The kid said "Senor, I must show you something." He tossed the apple into the air, cut it into 16 pieces and caught all 16. The dude said "You gots another mother fucking apple?" The kid said "Si" and tossed up another apple. The dude pulled out his .45 and made applesauce out of it. The kid said "How many mother fucking gallons do you think she'll hold, Senor?"

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  22. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    The priest

    A Negro preacher was heavy into a sermon when he was interupted by a man near the back shouting "Lock the do' and don't a mulla fucka move!" The preacher said "Whoa, who's that interupting my sermon?" The dude stood up and said "I did. Somebody done lifted my wallet. I had it right here in my ass pocket and now it's gone." The preacher said "Well I can understand you getting upset, but I don't see where you had to interupt my sermon. And besides that, where did you say you had it?" He said "Right here in my ass pocket." The preacher said "Well it's your own fault then. You should have been carrying it in your inside coat pocket like I ......Lock the do' and don't a mulla fucka move!"

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  23. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Aged!

    Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.Every night after
    dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit
    and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening Mildred,
    age 87, wanders into the garden. They began to chat and before they
    knew it several hours passed by.

    After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
    asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
    "What?" she asked and he replies "SEX!" Mildred exclaims "Why you old
    fart, you couldn't get it up if you had a gun to your head!"
    " I know, "Harold says "but it would be nice if a woman would hold it
    for awhile."

    " Well, I can oblige!" says Mildred who unzips his trousers, removes
    his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward they agreed to meet
    secretly in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
    hold Harold's manhood.

    Then one night, Harold did not show up at the usual meeting place.
    Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was ok. She
    walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
    the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
    manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two timing creep! What does Ethel
    have that I don't?"
    Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page