Jokes and Funny Stories

Alzheimer

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Guy: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

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Speeding!

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for guys like you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I don't know about the others by I got here as fast as I could."

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Optometrist.

Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the
outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able
to see the difference.

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Police's IQ!

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says, "Lady, it says here that you should
be wearing glasses."

The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know!
You're getting a ticket!"

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Pick-up lines for shy guys!

1. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears?
(Pull your pockets inside out....) Would you like to?

2. Fuck me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?

3. I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.

4. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire.

5. The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor.

6. Hey! Wanna play war? (replies) WHAT? (you) Yea, I lay on the ground and you blow the fuck outta me!

7. Oh my God! I think I love you! Now lay down!

8. My dick's been feeling a little dead lately. Wanna give it some
mouth-to-mouth?

9. Say, I’m lousy with math, ..would you show me variables with 69?



Warning: Careful with all the above, no liability accepted!

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Mute!

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, can that hand-wavin. I can talk now."

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.

"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"

"Very well," replies the specialist.

"Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."

The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.

The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"

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I'm dumb -struck with that one..

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Robbers!

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

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WIFE...."Wire you insulate?"
Electrician husband:
I COULDN'T GET OHM ANY EARLIER.

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Judge

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very kind of you, your honor," the husband said. "

...And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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Balless!

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

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A high Hippie!

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

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Clever little Johnny!

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

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For the Ladies!

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

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For the guys!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

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The Yo mama's song!

Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!

Yo mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise!

Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!

Yo mama's so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors!

Yo mama's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!

Yo mama's so fat she lays on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy!

Yo mama's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller!

Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets!

Yo mama's so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th!

Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!

Yo mama's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"!

Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!

Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it!

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Black boy!

Caution: Do not read in public!

Once at a Microsoft’s cocktail party, Bill Gates decided to come up with a challenge to entertain his wonderful dot.com friends. Been so filthy rich, there was obviously no limit to his imagination. He called the attention of all the guests and explains;

Now you all see that swimming-pool behind you, well I have placed in the largest 800 lb crocodile that I could find, and it hasn’t been feed for a month. If any of you “macho” men, jumps in the pool and knockouts that crocodile. I will fulfill his desire without any limits…
Bill Gates hasn’t even finished his speech and there’s a big splash in the pool.

The guests turn around and see how a small build black guy is fighting his heartout with the crocodile, a real vicious fight. About 30 minutes later, the crocodile floats dead and the black guys steps out of the pool gasping for air. Bill approaches him, lifts his arm in sign of victory and proclaims, “This is the man”. Now, as a reward, what would you like? Would you like the Ferrari at the main entrance, says Bill. No..no..no says the back guy. Oh I see, replies Bill, would 200 million dollars be a more attractive offer? Nooo, say the back guy. Ok, ok says Bill, I gave my word, so tell me what exactly you want??
The black guys responds standing straight and looking at the guests, ….I wana know who’s the mother fucker that pushed me in the pool?

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I told you!

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Valentines slogans! ...you're welcome.

1. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

2. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

3. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

4. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

5. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

6. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

7. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

8. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

9. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

10. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Note: If the above works for you, remember me while you do it!

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By the inch!

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."

When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"

"$75 dollars," said the first.

The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.

The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
"$20 dollars" replies the third.

The first two start laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"

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Swedish way!

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

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