Jokes and Funny Stories

Women!

What do women get once a month and last only a couple of days??

...Their husband’s salary!

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..and we are making jokes about it! pathetic.

 

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God's will

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

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Police IQ

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. When asked whether they had a break in the case, a spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

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Micro we are going to nominate you as "Court Jester"....
keep the fecking good work going

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An 190 lb Mama!

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

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Downtown with no money

Downtown with no money

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown," so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"

She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money -- just looking."

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Birth Control!

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him!"

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Lazy Mexican!

Juanito calls into work one morning and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come to work."

The boss says, "You know Juanito I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Juanito calls, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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Wow!

A man picks up a fat girl in a bar. He's been there all night drinking and now he just wants to get laid.

An hour later, they're busy shagging when he says, "Can we switch the light off?"
"Why dear?" she asks, ..."Are you shy?"
"No," he replies, "it's just that it's burning my ass!"

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micro..youre a genius.....

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:bugeye:

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i don't get it.

 

Dwaft's ecstasy!

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the
next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries
of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all
night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get
an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's
embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the bed!.."

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Pumpkin...the woman must have been reallybig

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Too big for a handjob!

Harry and his wife, Sadie are having hard financial times, so they
decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of
that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've
got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

Sadie's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says,
"How much?" .."A hundred dollars," she smiles.
He says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." Sadie runs back to Harry and says,
"What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob."
She runs back and tells the guy, all he gets for thirty
dollars is a handjob.

Sadie gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply
huge penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "Hold on."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry,
can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

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PAUSE

I take a short break to dry my tears that are flooding the keyboard to appreciate your support and make clear that some jokes are from my recollection and others are borrowed, so I DO NOT DESERVE CREDIT.
This is just medicine, and let’s continue.

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Well done Micro either way...thankyou for taking the time..I have had a good laugh!!

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FAT-Man

A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club.
A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!" The fat man said, "Yeah."
The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've
seen your dick?"
The fat man answered, "Long time." The second man asked,
"Why don't you diet?" The fat man asks,
"Why? What color is it now?"

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fecking brill ..micro

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New Intern!

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working
in. He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating
non-stop, and asks the doctor why was the man doing such a
thing out in the open?

The doctor replies, "Oh he has a medical condition where the
sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate
constantly or he will explode." "Oh, I see" says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying
on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again, he asks
the doctor "What's up with that?" The doctor says,
"Same condition, better medical plan."

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Lady & Car dealer!

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then
spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you
are going to shit when you hear the price."

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