Jokes and Funny Stories

[Microzoft]

Q. What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A. White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....". Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."

[Microzoft]

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

[Microzoft]

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear th to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

[Microzoft]

The United States government had just completed an exhaustive study to find out what purpose the head of a man's penis served. After three years and almost 2 million dollars, they agreed that it was to give the woman more pleasure.
Germany, finding out about the survey and not wishing to be left out, spent 18 months and $450,000.00 and decided that the head of a man's penis served to give the man more pleasure.

Poland, refusing to be outdone, conducted their own survey. After three weeks and $29.50, they determined that it was to keep Stash's hand from sliding off and hitting him in the forehead.

[Microzoft]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

[Microzoft]

George W. Bush is very concerned about Dick Cheney's recent health problems. Now Dubya knows he's only a heartbeat away from the presidency.

[Microzoft]

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal.

As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong.

The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire."

The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations."

The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

[X me X]

thanks you all are Hilarious.
and I really needed a good laugh.
sorry that I have nothing funny to add, but please keep it up.

[Microzoft]

Originally posted by X me X
thanks you all are Hilarious.
and I really needed a good laugh.
sorry that I have nothing funny to add, but please keep it up.

Thanks a lot, and for using a good medicine!

[Tallguy]

It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs... And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

[Microzoft]

There's this white ecologist working with an African tribe, and one day the tribe elder comes to him and says, "My wife just had just a baby, and it's white. You're the only white man within hundreds of miles of here."

The ecologist gulps and says, "Well, some things in nature just can't be explained. Look at that herd of goats, for example. All of them are white except for that one black goat. This is probably like that."

Finally, the Tribe elder nods and says, "Well, all right, I'll keep quiet about my white baby, if you'll keep quiet about that black goat."

[Microzoft]

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".

Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

[Microzoft]

Two guys and a girl were sitting in a bar drinking gin and tonics and talking about their respective professions.

The first guy says, "Im what you call a YUPPIE. You know Young Urban Professional."

The second guy says,"Well, I am what you call a DINK. You know Double Income No Kids."

Then the woman says, "Yeah Well, I'm a WIFE. You know Wash, Iron, F$&#, Etc."

[Microzoft]

A woman went to the plastic surgeon to have her breasts enlarged. When she came home and showed her husband the bill he flipped. "$10,000?! ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST RUBBED TOILET PAPER ON THEM!"

"Why?" his wife asked.

"Because you've been rubbing it on your ass for twenty-five years, and look how big that got!"

[Microzoft]

One day a man goes over to his friend's house bawling his eyes out. His friend asks him what's wrong. "My wife is cheating on me!" he replies. "I walked in on her and another man having sex!" His friend comforts him and says everything will be okay. The man then asks, "What would you do if you walked in on your wife cheating on you?"

His friend replies, "I'd break the guy's cane and kick his seeing eye dog in the ass!"

[Microzoft]

Why do men have holes on the ends of their penises?

Well, they have to be open-minded, don't they?

[Microzoft]

What do you call a woman who knows exactly where her husband is every night?

A widow.

[Microzoft]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them gained weight,talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[Microzoft]

A man was walking on a highway when he discovered a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said,"I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I never have gone to Hawaii because I never could afford it. Could you make a highway from here to Hawaii so I could just drive over anytime?" The genie sighed and said, "Man, I have been in this genie business for 10,000 years. I am quite tired. Can't you think of something a little more simple?" The man thought and said, "Well, you know, I have been married to my wife for 5 years now but I still can't understand her. Can you make it so I can from now on?" The genie sighed again and said, "Two lanes or four?"

[Microzoft]

This tall, beautiful woman coyly asks to see the manager of a bar. The bartender is interested in this woman and decides to handle the matter himself. He says, "What can I do for you?"

She walks closer, which gets him more excited. "No, I don't think you can help me," she purrs, "I really have to talk to the manager."

By this time she's leaned onto the bar, thus showing some of her cleavage. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but the manager isn't avaiable right now, but I'll be happy to help you any way I can."

So she gets a bit closer to him and starts rubbing her hands through his hair and across his lips. The bartender is very turned on now and says breathlessly, "So what is it that I can do for you?"

She gets even closer and allows the bartender to suck slowly on her fingers. Then she says, "Can you tell your manager there's no toilet paper in the ladies' room?"