Thread: Jokes and Funny Stories

  1. #421

    Cool See what you get?

    One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
    ... "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
    ... "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy"
    ... "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
    ... "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
    ... "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you."
    ... "What's a woman, Lord?" "This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
    ... "Sounds great."
    ... "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this woman cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, and an eye, an ear of your choice."
    ... Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"


  2. #422

    Whatever I want a watch.

    Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiney watch Jimmy was wearing.
    "Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.
    "Nope," Jimmy replied.
    "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.
    "Nope."
    "You didn't steal it did you?"
    "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
    Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?"
    "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
    "Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father returning to the job in hand.


  3. #423

    Thumbs up All men are Bastards!

    Why are men like floortiles?
    If you lay them properly you can walk on them forever.

    How can you tell if a man is thinking about sex?
    He's breathing

    How can you tell if a man is lying?
    His lips are moving.

    Why are men like bottles?
    They're all empty from the neck up.

    What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
    Marriage.

    Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
    Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

    What do men call pulling off a woman's panty hose? Foreplay.

    What is a husband?
    Its an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves put up.

    What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
    A bar of chocolate.

    What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
    Lifting his legs while you vacuum.

    How do you get a man to do situps?
    Put the remote control between his toes

    How do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head

    What do men consider a 7 course meal?
    A hotdog and a six pack of beer

    How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
    No one knows - we've never seen it done!

    How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    a) 1 - men will screw just about anything
    b) 5 - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

    Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
    So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

    How do men exercise on the beach?
    By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

    What do men consider foreplay?
    Half an hour of begging

    How can you tell if a man is happy?
    Who cares???

    What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
    1. No mind. 2. No business.

    If men got pregnant.... Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because they already have boyfriends.

    Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
    He had it bronzed.

    How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
    Two ways to cross a river.

    What is gross stupidity?
    144 men in one room.

    How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
    Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

    What is a man's view of safe sex?
    A padded headboard.

    How do men sort their laundry?
    "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

    Why can't women park cars?
    Because men tell them this |<------------------>| is six inches.

    What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    What's the difference between government bonds and men?
    Bonds Mature.

    What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
    One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

    What did God say after creating man?
    I can do better.

    Husband: Want a quickie?
    Wife: As opposed to what?

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" shows.
    They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

    What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
    A man's undivided attention.

    How is a man like a snowstorm?
    Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how
    long it'll stay.

    Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
    He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

    Why did God create man?
    Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

    Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
    So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

    Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.


  4. #424

    Smile The Irish Guard!

    Casey joined the Home Guard during the Second World War and was given a rifle, ammunition and a very important task.

    'I want you to guard the town against enemy insurgents,' said the captain. 'We've got a curfew in force. Anyone out of doors after midnight is to be shot on sight!'

    There stood Casey at the town square, ever alert, when suddenly a figure came out of the darkness.

    'Who goes there?' called Casey.

    'Mick McGee,' came the answer.

    Bang! Casey shot the man down.

    'Good shot,' said the captain, 'but it's only eleven thirty.'

    'Yes,' said Casey, 'but I know where he lived and he'd never have made it home in time!'

  5. #425

    Cool Irishmen in an Aussie bar

    A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.

    'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'

    'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'

    'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'

    'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.

    'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'

    'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'

    'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'

    'God in heaven. So was I.'

    Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Not too busy at the moment. In fact there's just the Murphy twins here.'

  6. #426

    Irish logic!

    The Clancy twins stared out across the ocean and Eamonn said:

    'Look at all that water.'

    'Yes,' said Pat. 'And that's only the top!'

  7. #427

    Great fishing spot

    The Maguire twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.

    'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'

    'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.

    'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'

  8. #428

    Religious Views of the World

    Taoism: Shit happens.
    Confucianism: Confucious says, shit happens.
    Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
    Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
    Hinduism: This shit happened before.
    Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
    Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
    Native American: What is the medicine of shit?
    Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
    Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
    Pantheism: It's all the same shit.
    Atheism: I don't believe this shit.
    Agnosticism: What is this shit?

  9. #429
    Just to add a little color to the board:

    "You know the world is going crazy when:
    The best rapper is a white guy;
    the best golfer is a black guy;
    the Swiss hold the America's Cup;
    France is accusing the US of arrogance;
    and,
    Germany doesn't want to go to war."
    - Chris Rock -


  10. #430
    Originally posted by Chagur
    Just to add a little color to the board:
    And I thought I would be managing this thread without repetitions!
    http://www.sciforums.com/showthread....&pagenumber=21

  11. #431

    An Irish looser!

    Murphy had been on the firing range for over an hour and hit nothing.

    'It's no good,' he said to the corporal. 'I'll never make a soldier. I'm going off to shoot myself.'

    Take plenty of ammunition,' advised the corporal.

  12. #432
    Full Time Nerd-Bomber
    Posts
    587
    2 years, 7 months, and 6 days later Microzoft is still going! Geez you have alot of jokes. Keep up the good work. I could always use a little something to brighten my day.

  13. #433
    Originally posted by Halo
    2 years, 7 months, and 6 days later Microzoft is still going! Geez you have alot of jokes. Keep up the good work. I could always use a little something to brighten my day.
    Brighten your day? Great!!
    Thanks, that pleases me immensely. A nice list that I compiled during the weekend will be posted soon.

  14. #434
    Sciforums:Reality not required Kunax's Avatar
    Posts
    2,385
    oh yea, keep it going, im on page 9 now reading a few once in a while, exelent thread.

  15. #435
    Thanks just make sure you don’t chock in laughter
    ..I couldn’t bear that in my conscience!

  16. #436
    Yeah, but at least I attributed my quote

    But seriously ... Sorry 'bout that, Microzoft.


  17. #437

    Cool You'll have to pay for it

    'You've lost your rifle, Muldoon?' said the captain at Dunkirk.

    'Yes, sir. In the retreat I jumped aboard a boat and the gun fell in the water!'

    'Well, son, that was government property and you'll have to pay for it out of your wages.'

    'What?' said Muldoon. 'Do you mean we've got to pay for any equipment we lose?'

    'Of course,' said the captain. 'It's your responsibility after all.'

    'And if I'd lost a tank, I'd have to pay?'

    'You would.'

    'My God,' muttered Muldoon. 'No wonder those captains go down with their ships!'

  18. #438

    Whatever St Patricks Day New Orleans

    It was St Patrick's Day and, even though the city was New Orleans, Murphy had decided to celebrate it. He remembered starting off the pub crawl. He even remembered the first seventeen beers and whiskey chasers. But after that his brain could not recall any details.

    All he knew was his head ached, his tongue was just a fuzz ball, his throat throbbed and he had come to on a bed in a strange motel room.

    Suddenly, a rustling noise made him turn to see a very large (280lbs) black lady lying fully clad beside him. In her hair was a crumpled paper bow, and streamers drooped over her shoulders.

    'My God, who are you?' spluttered Murphy.

    'I don't know honey,' she replied. 'But last night I was the Rose of Tralee!'

  19. #439

    Smile Is there anyone up there?

    Seamus had a major mishap on his first day of mountain climbing. He slipped from a highish peak and fell twenty feet, stopping himself only by grabbing hold of a very, very small clump of bushes. There he hung, every second expecting the bushes to snap and send him hurtling hundreds of feet to his death.

    'Is there anyone up there? Is there anyone who can help me? Is there anyone at all?' .....Help!

    Suddenly the heavens boomed with the sound of a mighty voice:

    'I am the Almighty. I am here to help you, Seamus. Trust me. Let go of the bush and let yourself drop and I will catch you in my arms and carry you safely to earth!'

    Seamus pondered for a while, looking down, and then said, ' Thanks. But is there someone else up there?'

  20. #440

    Cool Parachute problems

    Reilly had joined the British Parachute Regiment and was on his first drop. Falling from the plane his chute wouldn't open. Pulling his reserve handle he realised that that chute was also useless. Plummeting towards earth, Reilly saw another person coming up towards him - it was Murphy.

    'Do you know anything about parachutes?' cried Reilly.

    'No,' said Murphy. 'Do you know anything about gas cookers?'

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •