Thread: Jokes and Funny Stories

  1. #401
    Refined Reinvention lixluke's Avatar
    yo mama is so fat she uses a vcr as a beeper

  2. #402

    JEWISH JOKES on the Way, offense!

    Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks just, "XX".
    He started his own business, which soon prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it.
    All these years, you've been signing your checks, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."
    Mr. Schwartz answered, "Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name!"

  3. #403

    JJ: The Lemon

    The strong man in the circus had a special act that he performed at each show. He would take a lemon, squeeze it as hard as he possibly could, removing all the juice. He would then challenge any member of the audience to come up to the middle ring and get one drop of juice from he lemon. He promised to pay $100 to anyone who could get more juice from the lemon. Week after week, month after month, big, burly men and women would squeeze and squeeze, and not get even a drop.
    One day, a small, mousy man came up to the strong man. He took the lemon.
    The audience laughed; after seven big strong people couldn't get a drop, this man thought he could do better?! He squeezed the lemon, and, amazingly, lemon juice dripped onto the floor!! Then an actual stream of juice flowed!! He handed the dry lemon back to the strong man.
    The strong man, amazed, turned to the little guy, handed him a $100 bill, and asked him what he did for a living. The man answered, "I work for the UJA."

  4. #404

    Jewish Vocabulary.

    Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for neurotic.
    It is very difficult to know when to call someone mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus vus ehr reht... Here are a few words to get you started.
    "Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac ,schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"
    Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.
    Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"
    Schmoe--See schmuck.
    Schmata--Rag (ugly dress), as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that Esther?"
    Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a schmaltzy ending?"

    Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to wait around for an answer. If you've got something to say, speak up.
    Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed? That's not the way to fix a leaky faucet!" (You will never use this phrase, however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)
    Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation. If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're very bored.
    Practice Question:
    You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who gave that maniac a driver's license?"
    Wrong answer: "In the 1950s, the United States made an economic decision to encourage automobile ownership over public transportation to support the automotive industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy. Ever since, most anyone can get a driver's license."
    Correct answer: "Those government schmucks."
    Non-Jews can also profit from learning these nuances. When shopping in ,the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, "What, I'm the schmuck schmuck who shouldn't feed his own children?" The untrained Gentile simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the negotiations begin."

  5. #405

    Smile Jewish Holiday.

    Hitler is worried about his mortality. He goes to a psychic to ask about his death.
    She closes her eyes and silently thinks for a few minutes. When she opens her eyes again, she speaks: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
    "Which one?" Hitler asks nervously.
    "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whatever day you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday.

  6. #406

    JJ: The Post Office.

    Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
    Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"

  7. #407

    Cool JJ: Travelling.

    An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer.
    "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent.
    "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"
    The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter.
    You will both fall in love and you will want to get married.
    Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

  8. #408

    Cool An Australian Jew!

    A Jewish Australian went to a Conference in China. While there, he decided that he would like to attend a Synagogue, to see how Jews in China worship. He inquired and in due course found one. He sat down among the worshippers, all of them Chinese in appearance. The service was conducted by a Rabbi who also was Chinese in appearance.
    At the end of the service which was generally familiar to the Australian visitor, the Rabbi walked up to him and asked: "Please forgive my asking, but exactly why are you here?" The Australian man was a bit taken a back but answered: "Oh, I am Jewish, and I wanted to see how Chinese Jews worship, that is why I am here."
    Strange that, said the Rabbi. You don't look Jewish.

  9. #409
    Skull & Bones Spokesman
    Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

    "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

    When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

    "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

    "Are you sure?" Al asked.

    "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

    When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

    "Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

    "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

    "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

  10. #410

  11. #411
    Skull & Bones Spokesman
    Actually the joke of microzoft made me wonder if there are any jewish communities in china at all. Some browsing on the net confirmed that there were up to 10.000 jews in China. Most of them that came with the silk route merchandise and others in trading ports like Sjanhai, but due to the closed nature of china and the differences in physical appearance and culture a lot jews decided or were forced to assimilate within the chinese soceity and married chinese females.
    especially during the 19th century. Also during WW2 the more distinct recognizable jews decided to leave the unfavourable (and unprofitable) situation in Sjanghai.

    Today the somewhat more open nature of china allows for jewish expats to return to sjanhai and Hongkong along with their customs, but given the Chinese paranoid monopoly on newsmedia and pulling government strings I will not expect a reverse take-over like we have seen in the united states...
    Last edited by Vortexx; 03-25-03 at 06:29 AM.

  12. #412
    Skull & Bones Spokesman
    Sometimes even hollow war-retoric gets so bombastic that it becomes downright funny, listen to this iraqi propaganda:

    "The americans are happy that they traveled to the moon, but we travel to the AlMighty everyday when we say our prayers"

  13. #413

  14. #414
    Originally posted by Vortexx
    Actually the joke of microzoft made me wonder if there are any jewish communities in china at all. Some browsing on the net confirmed that there were up to 10.000 jews in China.
    Great insight, thanks!
    I originally thought it was a joke because when visiting Israel I ask some fanatics if there are Chinese jews, black jews, etc. They always tell me that there none.

  15. #415

    Saddam's jokes! Our War partner

    "In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out."

    "President Bush's approval rating has dropped another five points just in the last week. It's now down to 58 percent. I'm not sure who should be more worried, Bush or Saddam Hussein."

    "President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?"

    "It's like they're the Wal-Mart of evil." —Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bush's description of Iraq as a country that "gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place"

    "What was left what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with us to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh...1982 Saddam." —Jon Stewart

    "President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished."

    "A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father."

  16. #416

    Cool The world is going crazy

    "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war."

  17. #417

    Talking Disabled Ex Marine

    A US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked, "Do you have any military experience?"
    The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."

    "I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"

    The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War a grenade in my pocket go off, blowing off my testicles."

    The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Work starts at 7:00am. Just report to work on Monday at 10:00am."

    "Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."

    The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."

  18. #418

    Cool T wo K ids in H ospital

    Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
    ... The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
    ... The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
    ... The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
    ... The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
    ... The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

  19. #419

    Smile Knocked three times!

    Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering ... Have you ever cheated on me?"

    Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question ... "

    "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please ... "

    "Well, all right, 3 times."

    "Three, hmmm ... Well, when were they?"

    "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan ... ? Remember, then, one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked ... ? Well ... "

    "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

    "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you ... ? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again ... ? Well ... "

    "Oh, Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife ... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved ... So, all right then, when was number 3?"

    "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be get into that exclusive club ... And you were 47 votes short ... "

  20. #420

    Cool Not like the Others!

    A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
    ...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
    ...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
    ...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".


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