Thread: Jokes and Funny Stories

  1. #301

    Cool Canadian History Lesson

    On my last trip to Canada, I had the rare pleasure of meeting the leading historian of this great country. Out of curiosity I asked him how their county got it's name.

    Below is his explanation...

    There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

    "You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this place we're hiking through."

    "I agree," said the second explorer.
    "Great idea" quipped the third explorer.
    "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

    "Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."
    The second said: "N, eh."
    The first... "D, eh."

    And now you know the story.

  2. #302

    Cool The Smuggler

    Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

    The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
    "Sand," answered Juan.

    The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
    The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
    He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
    The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

    A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
    "Sand," says Juan.

    The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
    He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

    This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
    Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

    "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
    I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

    Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

  3. #303

    Smile VOODOO DICK

    There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious
    sort, so he thought he'd buy her something to keep her occupied while he was gone. Otherwise, she'd be tempted
    to screw another man while he was out of town.

    He went to an adult sex store and started explaining his situation to the old man behind the counter. The old man
    said, "Well, we have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but we don't have anything that will keep her occupied for weeks except..."

    "Except what?" the man interjected.

    "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but we have this voodoo dick." The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old, wooden box, carved with bizarre symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary looking dildo.

    The businessman laughed and said, "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

    "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." The old man pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door split in two, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" Sure enough, the voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

    "I'll take it!" exclaimed the businessman.

    The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

    The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick,
    my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great -- like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she tried to pull it out, but it was stuck, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to remind her how to shut the darn thing off. Finally, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

    On the way to the hospital, she had another orgasm, causing her to swerve recklessly. A passing police officer noticed to erratic driver and pulled her over. "Your driver's licence and registration please..."

    Gasping and twitching, she pleaded with the officer, explaining that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *#&#* and the darn thing wouldn't stop screwing her.

    The officer looked at her curiously and said, "Yeah, right, voodoo dick my ass!"

  4. #304

    Cool 4 Letter word!

    A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
    When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
    "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
    "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam
    began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me
    and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
    "But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
    "I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "They're too awful!
    COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
    "Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
    Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:
    DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK...

  5. #305
    mature with wisdom
    Posts
    1,737

    Re: 4 Letter word!

    Originally posted by Microzoft
    A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
    When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
    "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
    "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam
    began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me
    and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
    "But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
    "I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "They're too awful!
    COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
    "Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
    Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:
    DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK...
    good work micro....

  6. #306

    Cool spookz love dogs!

    spookz walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

    The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

    spookz said, "I'm from Iowa."

    The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

    spookz responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

    The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

    spookz said nervously, "I mount animals."

    The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

  7. #307

    Where's Jesus ?

    A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
    Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

    Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

    Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

    And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?'"

  8. #308

    Cool A Smart Blonde!

    A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

    Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

    The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

    This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

    The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

    She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

    The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

    The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

    Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

  9. #309

    Cool Lawyer Jokes ...Nasty!

    A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
    Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

    The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

    "$7.98."

    A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150...

  10. #310
    mature with wisdom
    Posts
    1,737
    Well done Micro , still getting a knee-jerk reaction!

  11. #311

    Cool Lawyer Test

    "If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm."

    "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"

    "Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man.

    "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.

  12. #312

    Talking Quotes! ..to remember.

    "Most of my cliches aren't original."
    - Chuck Knox, NFL football coach

    I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
    - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
    - Dan Quayle

    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
    - Dan Quayle

    "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
    - Dan Quayle

    "(I want to) make sure everybody who has a job wants a job."
    - George Bush, during his 1st campaign for the presidency

    "How can a guy this politically immature seriously expect to be president?"
    - Franklin D. Roosevelt, Jr., assessing John F. Kennedy's chances in the 1960 election, 1959

    "Now that the president has admitted wrongdoing, he should resign."
    - Bill Clinton, referring to Nixon's impeachment in 1974, as quoted in The Arkansas Democrat, August 6, 1974

    "This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!"
    -Dan Quayle

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
    - Dan Quayle "We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles."
    - Governor Wesley Bolin

    "The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe."
    - Frank Rizzo, Mayor, Philadelphia

    "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
    - Dan Quayle

    "It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
    - Dan Quayle

    "I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
    - Richard Nixon

    "We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
    - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

    "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
    - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

    "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate."
    - Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.

    "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
    -Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D, California)

    "If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure."
    - Dan Quayle

    "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."
    - Bill Clinton, January 26, 1998

    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
    - Dan Quayle

    "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
    - Rita Mae Brown

    "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet"
    - Al Gore

    "Computers in the future may have only 1, 000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1 1/2 tons."
    - Popular Mechanics, 1949

    "Get your feet off my desk, get out of here, you stink, and we're not going to buy your product."
    - Joe Keenan, President of Atari, responding to Steve Jobs' offer to sell him rights to the new personal compuer he and Steve Wozniak had developed. 1976

    "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home."
    - Ken Olson (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society in Boston, 1977

    "640k ought to be enough for anybody."
    - Bill Gates

    "Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans."
    - Alf Landon, in a campaign speech while running against FDR

    "You can't just let nature run wild."
    - Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska

    The Internet is a great way to get on the net."
    - Senator Bob Dole

    "How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?"
    - (on Y2K) Al Gore

    "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
    - John Wayne

    "When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale."
    - Bill Clinton

    "Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally."
    - Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

    "All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath."
    - David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

    "My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
    - President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

    "The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
    - Gerry Brown, California governor

    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
    - Keppel Enderbery

    "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
    - President Gerald Ford

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
    - Brooke Shields

    "This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important."
    - H. Ross Perot

    I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
    - French ambassador to New Zealand Jacques le Blanc, regarding press coverage of France's nuclear weapons tests in the Pacific

    "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
    - Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

    "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
    - Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

    "We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
    - Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

    "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
    - Basepall Player Pedro Guerrero on reporters

    "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
    - Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister

    "Wait a minute! I'm not interested in the agriculture. I want the military stuff."
    - Senator William Scott (R-Va.) during a Pentagon briefing.

    "I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents."
    - George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

    "I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
    - George Bush

    "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
    - Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

    "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
    - Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

    "Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is."
    - Ron Fairley, Giants' broadcaster


  13. #313

    Maintenance Complaints

    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    (P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
    S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on backorder.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're there for!

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.


  14. #314

    Cool Smart Dogs

    Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....

    First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

    Second Woman : "I know..."

    First Woman : "How?"

    Second Woman : "My dog told me."

  15. #315

    Cool Fireman Sex!

    A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

    "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

    When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

    "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

  16. #316

    Cool Sex Fraud.

    Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.

    "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?"

    "Honey, let me explain..."

    "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"

    "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."


  17. #317

    Smile Drunk Man and a Priest.

    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

    "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

    "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

    "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

    "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

  18. #318

    Cool The Maid

    A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
    The guy says, "Who is this?"
    "This is the maid.", answered the woman.
    "We don't have a maid!"
    "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
    "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
    "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
    The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
    "What do I have to do?"
    "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
    The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
    The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
    "Throw them in the swimming pool!"

    "What?! There's no pool here?"

    Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"

  19. #319

    Talking Old Man

    A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

    "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

    The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

  20. #320

    Cool Indian Scout!

    An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
    "Yumti-Bi," he said, "you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

    Yumti-Bi layed down and put his ear to the ground...

    "Large Heap - war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have warpaint...many many guns. Medicine man also with them."

    "Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???"

    "No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate..."

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