The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

What does Mark Speight and a duffel coat have in common?
They are both found hanging from paddington

 

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TV presenter Mark Speight has been found dead by British Transport Police in Paddington Station, his body was covered in paint and he had been stabbed with a pencil and pair of scissors! Police believe that he died of an Art Attack.

 

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First post on here, although I have been reading the posts for a while:

Apparently the local police aren't convinced that Mark Speight hung himself after having heard rumour that it could have been an Art Attack. They are now believed to be looking at the bigger picture, sent in by Amy, aged 9, from Manchester.

 

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i don't know if this is offensive bout tastless it is. a version of the aristocrats
A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."

The man says, "But this is really special."

The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

He replies, "Well, my wife and I come out on stage and she begins to sing the "Star Spangled Banner" while I take her roughly from behind. After a minute of this, my kids come out and begin to do the same, but my daughter's singing the original "To Anacreon in Heaven" lyrics while my son performs anal sex on her."

The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Just when my daughter hits the highest note in the song, my son and I switch partners. He turns my wife around and gives her a Dirty Sanchez before having her perform oral sex on him. When the song's over and we're both getting close, we all stop and lie down on the stage."

The man smiles fondly as he recalls, "This is the best part: our dog then comes out on the stage, and he's trained to lick each one of us to orgasm in turn. He just goes right down the line, looking as happy as can be! We all get up and take a bow."

He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats!"

 

The alzheimers assiocation are protesting for more money from the government. There chant goes as follows
WHAT DO WE WANT?
WE DONT KNOW.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
WANT WHAT?

 

If you think people waiting for 24hrs at Terminal 5 at Heathrow was bad, I know of a bloke who was hanging around at Padington Station for 6 days...

 

(To the tune of The Adams Family)

Your sister is your mother,
Your father is your brother,
You all shag one another,
You're Shannon's family!

 

There was a wee lassie from Wick
Who said to her mum "what's a dick?"
I'll tell you wee Annie,
It goes in your fanny
and jumps up and down 'til it's sick

 

Childrens TV presenter Mark Speight has being found hanging out the back of Paddington.
The little furry bear is said to be shaken and sore but in good spirits.

 

If you think the 24hr delays at Heathrow Terminal 5 were bad.
I know of some poor bugger that was left hanging around Paddington for 6 days!

 

Did you hear about the Jewish paedophile?
He hid in the bushes and said, "Hey little girl, wanna buy some candy?"

 

what have Shannon Matthews and a porno mag got in common?

you hide them both under the bed once you've w@nked over them

 

I'm shit at this game....

_______
[ l
[ O
[ /l\
[ /\
[
[

M RK SP IG T
---- ------

 

What have Shannon Matthews and a copy of Razzle got in common?

They both get hidden under the bed after they've been wanked on!

 

I have CDO, it's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

 

Man comes home to find his 17 year old daughter with a pink dildo up her "What the fuck are you doin!" he shouts " well you wont let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute" she explains

The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a pink dildo up his arse drinking a can of beer. "What the fuck are you doin!" she shouts he replys " having a beer with your boyfriend

 

How can you tell if your sister's on? You can taste it on Daddies dick.

Why did the woman have two black eyes? She had to be told twice.

 

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the Jap guy

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having wank

 

New car being launched in Portugal, space in the boot for a child. It's called the Renault McCann.


I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."



What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Pope John Paul II?
The Pope died a virgin.



I went out with a girl last week, she told me she wanted to be 'treated like a Princess'

So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.

 

The strangest thing happened to me last night...

I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it.

To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone - tray, food, everything - not a trace.

Last time I buy McCann's oven chips...