The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

Discussion in 'The Cesspool' started by The Flemster, May 10, 2004.

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  1. The Flemster Registered abuser Registered Senior Member

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    Disclaimer: (Added by Moderator)
    This thread has been left un-moderated and contains a number of the worst jokes that people can come up with. They are made to be offensive through poor taste, bad humour and even racism. If you can't stomach that sort of content, please don't read any further. If you can stomach it, then in honesty you should be ashamed of yourself.

    This thread has been closed, however there is a "Social Group" available to continue it's downward trend.



    Being English, I, along with most of my fellow countrymen, deal with tragedy and adversity in a unique way.
    After something terrible has happenned, usually on a national level, we begin circulating very poor taste jokes.

    Now, I was wondering weather anyone could remember the most tasteless jokes they've ever heard.
    If so, stick 'em here, along with the cultural reference, and we can all laugh/wince/pretend-to-be-above-it-all at them!

    I'll start the ball rolling with a joke I received via text about the time all the Michael Jackson revalations were hitting the papers:

    "What's worse than than having Michael Jackson babysit your kids?

    Having Ian Huntley bath them."

    Ooof!

    The Flemster.
     
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  2. Baal Zebul Somewhat Registered User Registered Senior Member

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    I am not sure if the most tasteless jokes would be politically correct to write to this crowd.

    I am from Sweden (rivals of Norway) We have jokes about them, they have about us.

    When the dumbest in Sweden moved to Norway the IQ level became higher on both sides of the border.
    (sounds better in swedish though)

    k, i have one really tasteless joke but it is against the blacks and i do not wish to sound like a racists.
     
  3. Lemming3k Insanity Gone Mad Registered Senior Member

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    1,180
    As another Englishman i have to agree, and as far as bad taste jokes go the one from the lady in government was pretty funny:
    Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'.
    The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'.
    Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....
     
  4. The Flemster Registered abuser Registered Senior Member

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    k, i have one really tasteless joke but it is against the blacks and i do not wish to sound like a racists.[/QUOTE]

    How do you know I'm not black?
    Go for it, my friend. After all--they're just jokes...!

    The Flemster.
     
  5. sargentlard Save the whales motherfucker Valued Senior Member

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    6,697
    The most offensive joke i've ever heard.

    WARNING******

    What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?









    I warned you


    ANS: Crib death.
     
  6. The Flemster Registered abuser Registered Senior Member

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    696
    My go:

    What's blue and never fits properly?

    ANS: A dead epileptic.

    The Flemster.
     
  7. StarOfEight A Man of Taste and Decency Registered Senior Member

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    684
    There's a whole website devoted to dead baby jokes: http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/introduction.htm

    Lemming, have you seen Boondock Saints? There's a similar joke in it.

    A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy are walking through the desert, and they come across a lamp. They rub the lamp, and a genie comes out. He'll give 'em each a wish. Black guy goes first. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Africa. Genie does it. Mexican guy goes second. He wants his people healthy and happy, back in Mexico. Genie does it. White guy's turn. "So all the niggers and spics are out of the country?" he asks. "Yeah," says the genie. The white guy says, "Well, I guess I'll have a Coke."
     
  8. Repo Man Valued Senior Member

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    4,924
    Ok.....

    Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?

    Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

    Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!

    Jesus is coming, but he pulled out.
     
  9. Roman Banned Banned

    Messages:
    11,562
    Graffiti on a wall:
    Jesus is coming!
    and we have to clean up

    Best Jesus Joke Ever:

    How much does Jesus love you?




    *Spread arms and look mopey*



    This much.
     
  10. Tiassa Let us not launch the boat ... Super Moderator

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    30,793
    I am unable to reproduce any jokes about Norwegians. I know two good ones. One requires a certain sound ... aw, hell, I'll attempt it. But the other one's too long and involves elephants.

    At any rate, y'all read comic strips from time to time, right? So you know how to read onomatopoeia? Okay ....

    Q - Why do Norwegians have windshield wipers on the inside of their airplanes?
    A - (Sit upright, hold hands out as if driving an airplane) Thbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbt!

    At any rate ... perhaps the most offensive joke I can think of starts as follows:

    Q - Why can't little black kids play in the sandbox?

    The dumbest offensive joke I've ever written goes as follows:

    Q - How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A - (common) Two, but God only knows how they got in there!
    A - (Tiassa) None ... they let the light of God shine through.

    (What? I said it was dumb.)

    Lastly, a variation on a theme; the original version I heard was a horrible joke about a murder victim in a famous trial in which an unnamed rich man got away with it because of shoddy detective work, some ice cream, and a lawyer with no sense of shame. At any rate, the updated version--attuned to current events--goes:

    • Did you hear that Sheikh Yassin got into Heaven? Seriously! I guess they needed a jigsaw puzzle.

    I can't count the television jokes that come to mind, but "Maggie's sucking on the dog," certainly is up near the top.

    Best joke that I ever "got in trouble" for (I got in a shouting match in a composition class once upon a time):

    • In Doonesbury, circa 1990 or so, Joanie goes to visit Andy in the hospital. His doctor explains Andy's condition, his morbid sense of humor. It is Andy's defense against dying. Each day the doctor comes in and they each play straight man but they're both screaming inside. It helps them get through the days together, the doctor explains. Joanie asks, "And what do you do on weekends?" The doctor shrugs and says flatly, "I like to unwind. Rob liquor stores, that sort of thing."

    Seriously ... I included it in a paper as a comparison to the class topic article--a humorously-intended rant about watching terminal cancer patients smoke cigarettes in hospital stairwells--and got chewed out at high volume by a peer review group because I thought the good doctor had good sense of humor. I don't think Trudeau himself heard it that loudly over that one.

    And it's one of the best jokes ever written.
     
  11. CounslerCoffee Registered Senior Member

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    4,997
    Damn you, Tiassa! You never gave me the answer!
     
  12. Benji Registered Senior Member

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    306
    Ok but be warned if easily offened please dont read on from this point ->.



    Q)What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
    A)Who ordered the 2 jumbo's?

    Q)How do you stop a gay from drowning?
    A)Take your foot of his head!

    Q)Whats blue and fucks grannys?
    A)hyperthermia
     
  13. CounslerCoffee Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    4,997
    Okay, I'm going to give it a shot... Just be warned that these are horrible:

    Q: How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?
    A: Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.

    Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven?
    A: God gave him his gas bill.

    Q: What's the best part about 6 year old girls?
    A: After you're done with them, you can turn them over and use them as 6 year-old boys!

    And finally:
    Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
    A: Santa Claus goes down the chimney.

    Told you they were horrible.
     
  14. Tiassa Let us not launch the boat ... Super Moderator

    Messages:
    30,793
    I know. It's the one bad joke I can't do with a straight face. The beans slipping through the grill, when the burning stops ... "Kilmajaro!" or dirty knees ... I can do any joke straight but this one.

    At any rate, the answer is, "Because the cats keep burying them."

    As I said ... the most offensive joke I can think of. And that counts the two in the front, the two in the back, and the rest in the ashtray.
     
  15. CounslerCoffee Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    4,997
    Is it wrong for me to laugh? I guess that's an issue for EM&J right there.

    I thought my 6 year old girls jokes were bad...
     
  16. CounslerCoffee Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    4,997
    I have a problem with one of the jokes that I just told:
    Why would Hitler be in heaven? Damn, that joke is anti-semetic as fuck!
     
  17. The Flemster Registered abuser Registered Senior Member

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    696

    Fantastic!!!
    Best joke on this page yet!!!
    I'm off to use it on Christians...
    :D
    The Flemster.
     
  18. The Flemster Registered abuser Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    696
    Okay. My go again. And seeing as we're into kiddie jokes...

    Q-- What's the worst thing about having a baby?
    A-- Putting the nappy back on afterwards.

    Q-- What's the best thing about fucking 26 year olds?
    A-- There's 20 of them.

    Q-- What's the worst thing about screwing a 3 year old?
    A-- Getting blood on your clown suit.

    Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.
    BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
    MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."

    Come on, people--raise the bar a little!!!

    The Flemster.
     
  19. invert_nexus Ze do caixao Valued Senior Member

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    9,686
    Q: What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?

    A: Grandpa.

    Q: What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

    A: You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

    Q: How do you starve a mexican?

    A: Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

    That last joke has a lot to say about how stereotypes are not accurate. Most mexicans I know are some of the hardest workers I've ever met.

    Q: Why won't a black guy use aspirin?

    A: He's too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle.
     
  20. Thor "Pfft, Rebel scum!" Valued Senior Member

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    7,327
    lol, they'er all bad but very funny. I personally don't find them offensive mind.

    Okay, here's my shot at it.

    A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been fucked! Will you help me?"
    The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
    He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat. "How romantic", the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.
    "I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard. "NOW your fucked!" he says and starts to row away.

    That's an old joke I heard back at school. Took me ages to remember it all. I think I find this offensive as I know a few wheelchair bound people.
     
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