The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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Little Johnny's next door neighbor went to see a psychiatrist. "The other day," the woman said, "I happened to see my daughter and the little boy next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."

"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the psychiatrist, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."

"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my daughter's husband."
 
A priest checks into his hotel and says to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled".

"You get regular porn just like every one else you sick bastard" she replies.
 
A Black couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father got up to buy some popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, What's that long thing on the elephant?".

"That' s the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No, Mom. Down underneath!"

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

Pretty soon the father returned, ant the mother went off to got a soda. As soon as she had left, the boy repeated his question.

"That's the elephant's trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No, Down there."

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son I've spoiled that woman."
 
How is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he’s coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.


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Dave and Tracey had been married thirty years and never missed a night of connubial bliss. One day Tracey visited her doctor and was told that she must have complete rest and quiet for six month or she would not live.

Dave and Tracey decided they should stay completely apart during this period. She moved into an upstairs bedroom and he remained downstairs.

After three months of complete abstinence and solitude, his willpower collapsed, and Dave started for her bedroom.

As he started to climb the stairs, he saw her coming down.

"Dear," she said, "I was just coming down to die," "l'm glad, honey," he said, "because I was just going up to kill you."


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A proud father gave his son twenty pounds and sent him off to the local brothel. On his way the boy passed by his grandmother's house and she called him in. He explained where he was going and she insisted that he save the twenty pounds and make love to her.

The boy returned home with a big smile. "How was it?" asked the father.

"Great, and I saved the twenty pounds," responded the boy.

"How's that?" his father asked.

"I did it with Grandma," the boy explained.

His father screamed, "You mean you f**ked my mother?"

"Hey, why not? You've been f**king mine!"
 
Steve100 said:
A priest checks into his hotel and says to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled".

"You get regular porn just like every one else you sick bastard" she replies.
Click to expand...

Yeah, and my priest is a little bit of a pedophile,.. you know, it's only a minor thing.
 
I was told by my doctor today that I'm colourblind.
Now I'm scared shitless!
What if all my friends are niggers???
 
Two cows were standing in a pasture together. The first cow says "Hey, what do you think of this mad cow disease?" The second cow replies "What do I care I'm a helicopter!"
 
Merseyside Police are looking for a racist attacker,




Im going for an application form tommorow, does anybody want me to pick them one up?
 
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A: Pat
 
What do toilet seats, anniversaries and birthdays have in common? Men miss all of them!

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A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.


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What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.

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Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

================================

What is the thinnest book in the world?

--What men know about women.

==============================
 
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless
"things?"
* He has an Adams apple that isn`t an apple...
* Two calves that will never become cows...
* A nose bridge that doesn`t lead anywhere...
* A roof of the mouth that won`t cover anything...
* Twenty nails that won`t hold a board...
* A chest that won`t hold linen...
* Two tits that won`t give milk...
* Two buns that won`t feed anyone...
* A belly button that won`t button...
* Two balls that won`t roll...
* An ass that won`t pull a plow...
* An organ that won`t play music...
* A cock that won`t crow...
..And what are YOU laughing about?
You`ve got a pussy that won`t catch mice!
 
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Answer: We don't know; it has never happened.


Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

Answer: They all already have boyfriends.
 
With tonight being halloween, I have painted a pair of wellies silver, and placed them in front of my front door. Hopefully, we won't get any trick or treaters if they think Gary Glitter lives here.
 
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