The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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Here are some of my favs

What do you call a cross between Michael Jackson and Arnie Schwarzenegger?

Michael Wasanigger!!!!

George Bush, the Pope, Michael Jackson and three kids are on a plane.

The plane is crashing and their only three parachutes.

The Pope says "Save The Children!"

George Bush says "F*** The Children!"

And MIchael Jackson goes "Is There Time?"
How do you make a hormone?
Stick a rusty fucking chainsaw up her cunt.

Whats black and eats cunt?
Cervical cancer.

What sits at the end of a bed and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine.

What do you call a toddler with a runny nose?

What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
Turn the grill down.

You ever seen stevie wonders wife?
Neither has he.
To all of my friends who wished me luck for 2008, it did fuck all. So for 2009 please send me money, vodka or vouchers instead (not Wooloworths ones though).
We'd like to wish everyone a happy easter, and hope you all have a great 1982. With love, from everyone here at the alzheimers society.
I'm reading a good book about alzheimers. One of the reviews on the back reads "I found this book the fridge!"

Another I'm reading is about Parkinsons. The review on the back says "After an initial shaky start, I found this book very difficult to put down!"
I wish the media would leave poor Paul Gascgoine alone. He's going through enough without religious fundamentalists trying to destroy his old football uniform. I mean, just turn on the news and all you see are reports about people bombing Gazza's Strip.
A little boy is playing with his train, mum overhears him say "All you bastards getting off can fuck off. All you bastards getting on better fucking hurry up!" So his mum sends him to his room for two hours until he learns to be nice. When he starts playing again two hours later, mum hears him say "Those disembarking please mind the step and have a nice day, those boarding please enjoy your journey, and those upset at the two hour delay, blame that fat cunt in the kitchen!"
At question time the new U.S president was asked what he intended to do about defence. He replied "I'm going to paint it de same colour as de house".
These two guys walk into a bar, and they've each got a black eye... The bartender asks the first guy. "What happened to you?"

The first guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words with my wife.. You see, we were getting plane tickets, and the lady behind the terminal was REALLY big breasted and I accidentally said `Two pickets to titsburg please!' and I MEANT to say 'Two tickets to Pittsburgh!' and she hit me.."

The bartender looks at the second guy and asks. "And you?"

The second guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words also.. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I meant to say 'Please pass the margarine' but instead, I accidentally said `You stupid bitch, you ruined my life'..."
Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
Weight Loss for Men

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.
Doctors have released Jett Travoltas cause of death.
Apparently he had a saturday night fever that prevented him from ah ah ah ah stayin' alive stayin' alive.
It was very sad about Jett Travolta but at least his death was quick.
It was systematic, automatic, in fact, it was grease lightning.
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