The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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What do you say to a woman with two black eye?

Nothing you've already told her twice
jett travolta

I heard that just before his death he was supposed to have said ive got chills there multiplying and im losing control
I got talking to a girl in the pub last night. Turns out we have a lot of similar interests. Such as My Chemical Romance...

... or Rohypnol, as I call it
And people are complaining about the cold over here. In John Travoltas house it's -1.
Al Fayad wants to signt Ronaldo for Fulham!! Not for his footballing prowess, but to teach his chauffers how to crash safely in tunnels.
Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

(highlight between parantheses for answer)
(You cant gel your dick in a girls ass)
We have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
I have given some examples below to help you make the distinction.

GUTS- Is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys only to be met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere"?

BALLS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume, beer and with lipstick on your collar, then having the balls to slap your wifes arse and say, "your next fatty".
The news said in the cold wether we should make sure our neighbours are ok.
My 87 year old neighbour hasn't checked on me once and the lazy bitch hasn't even taken her milk in for two weeks.
Elton john went to a tattooist 'I want a picture of a rollsroyce on my cock' The tattoist looks at him and says 'youd be better off with a LandRover' It wont get stuck in that shit'!
Q. Why do women wear knickers? Because workplace health and safety staes 'all manholes must be covered when not in use'
Things are now so bad with the credit crunch that women are making love 2 there husbands cause they cant afford batteries..
Wife gets naked and asks hubby:

"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

The husband looks her up and down and replies:

"Your sense of humour"
Why do chemists put cotton buds in the tops of their drugs bottles?
to remind niggers they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
she wasn't wearing her seatbelt

What was Princess Dianas favourite shampoo?
Head and Shoulders, they know this as they found hers all over the dashboard

Princess Diana wasn't meant for this world, she lived in a castle and as you can see her list of boyfriends include a butler, a baker, a prince and dodi al fayed.. she was just workin her way through a nursery rhyme!

what went through Princess Dianas head when she hit the wind screen at 100 mph?
her legs!

sorry if ne of them r repeats.
Truly offensive

Dad is sat at home watching TV, when his 9 year daughter comes home from school. He looks up and she is in tears. Her school blouse is ripped open and her skirt is hitched up and dishevelled.

"What the fuck happened?" He demands

"Well" she replied in tearful sobs and almost hysterical, "I was walking home from school and I took the shortcut through the back lanes"

"AND? AND?" screams Dad trying to get more info

Sob Sob said the little girl "Some man dragged me into the bushes and tore at my blouse"

"OMG, What happened?" asks dad

sob sob cried the poor little girl "He then put his hand up my skirt"

"NO!" shouts Dad "Then?"

Crying through heavy sobs she replies "I cant remember, I blacked out"

"WELL MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP!!!" shouts dad as he starts wanking.
In loving memory of his son, John Travolta is set to release a new film at the end of the year, adding to success of the previous trilogy...

Look Who Isn't Talking
A paki arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter looks him up and down and says "What do YOU want?"
The man says, with a glowing smile, "I'm here for Jesus..."
St. Peter pokes his head around the gates and shouts "JESUS, YOUR TAXI'S HERE!"
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