The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

Based on todays events, I'm really not sure America is ready for this kind of President.....





Not because he's black, because he's intelligent!!

 

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A young guy had gone to his doctor for a routine check-up, and when he came in for the results, the doctor said gravely, "Jerry, I think you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Okay, Doc," said Jerry. "Give me the bad news first."

"Well," said the doctor, "you've got cancer. It's spreading at an unbelievably rapid rate, it's totally inoperable, and you've got about three weeks to live."

"Jesus," Said Jerry, wiping a bead of sweat off his brow. "What's the good news?"

"You know that really cute receptionist out in the front office?"

"You bet!" Said Jerry, opening his eyes wide.

"The one with the big tits and the cute ass?"

"Right" Said Jerry, getting excited.

"And the long blond hair?"

"yeah, yeah," said Jerry impatiently.

"Well," said the doctor, leaning forward with Smile" I'm f**king her!"

 

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I'm new here, a virgin i guess but not to some of the filth i'm reading on here, love it. So here is my first of many.

I was at home sunday night and i heard shouting, so i went outside to see what was happening. I saw 6 people punching and kicking a paki, a neighbor asked me if i was going to help.

I said nah, 6 should be enough

 

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99% of women kiss with their eyes shut,

Which makes it difficult to identify a rapist!

 

Whats black and blue and hides in the corner?

A rape victim

 

Here's one to do on your mates.

You say you can only say 'Take It' or 'Leave It'
You: if you found a grand on the floor, what would you do?
Mate: Take It
You: if you found an old pair of trainers in a bin what would you do?
Mate: Leave it (i hope)
You: if you saw a ferrari with the keys in what would you do? (optional depending on who your mates are)
Mate: Take It
You: if you woke up tomorrow with a cock up your arse what would you do?

TAKE IT or LEAVE IT!

Not offensive but good for a laugh.

 

okay here goes

"confucias say man who runs in front of bus get tired man who runs behind bus gets exhausted!"

 

Read a joke here the other day but couldn't find it so I had to google it:

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

That is fucked. I feel bad for laughing at that.

 

"NOW your fucked!" ha ha thats hilarious!

 

okay acyually thats terrible...hehe

 

**** WHITHOUSE BREAKING NEWS **** Bush's wallet has gone missing

 

that was a good one, i'm still laughin every time i think of it. Good 1 ghost

 

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman all get hauled in to the police station to appear in a rape line-up.
As the woman is led into the room to identify her attacker, the Irishman points at her and shouts "That's the miserable cow!"

 

My wife asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies.
'Great!' I thought. So I stuck my cock in her arse and came all over her face.
Shw was really pissed off. I guess we don't watch the same kind of movies...

 

Where do you send a jew with ADD?

A concentration camp

 

Brilliant.

 

GARDENER SACKED AT WHITE HOUSE!

A gardener was sacked from his job at the White House today. When asked why, he replied "Honestly, I've done nothing wrong. All I did was walk into the Oval Office and ask has anyone seen the spade?"

 

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

You don't have sex with a sandwich before you eat it!

What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!


What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage!

 

I dunno what all the fuss is about. Black people have been breaking into White Houses for years.

 

barrack obama has broken a long tradition of being the first black manto enter the white house without a mop.