The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha, that's hilarious!!!

Oh I hope my friend Nickelodeon understands that one - he'll laugh his head off!!!!

 

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Gee, I hope my good friend Nickelodeon , read this one .............he is so intelligent , not a super retard at all .....
He will start clapping his hands .......:m:

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How does a redneck woman know when her daughter's on the rag? Her son's dick tastes nasty.

 

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A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the Thames.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young
sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look,
you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would
give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made
passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to
America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry"

 

A rabbit walks into a butchers and says "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "No this is a butchers we don't sell lettuce."

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any lettuce?"

Again the butcher explains that it's a butchers and doesn't sell lettuce.

Next day the rabbit walks in and says, "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "I'm sick of telling you this is a fecking butchers. You ask again and i'll nail your ears to the wall!"

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any nails?"
The butcher says, "No." and the rabbit says,...................................................




"Got any lettuce?"

 

A man is dying of cancer.
His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??".
Answer: "So that when I die, no one will dare screw your mother."

 

John was an everyday geezer, except that he had a wooden eye. This unsightly afflction had troubled him so much over the years that he was finding it hard to meet women. Alas, eventually he found slavation in the form of an online dating agency dedicated to finding love for the physically unfortunate, the ugly.

After some deliberation he decided to set up a date with a young woman who's only deformity was that her mouth was positioned vertically at the bottom of her face, rather than horizontally like everyone else. Strange, he admitted, but what did he have to lose?

The night comes, and everything is going swimmingly. They meet in the designated bar, and after a few drinks the two of them are getting along great-guns. John decides it would be a shame for the night to end early:

"How do you fancy popping out for a bite to eat when we leave here?" he asked.

Flattered by the invitation, the young women exclaimed, "Oh would I ?!?!?"

"Don't call me WOOD EYE, C*NTFACE!!" came John's angry reply.

 

After her fifth child, Mary decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that,with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice!" said Mary.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".

"Brilliant!" said Mary. "And the third?".

"That's from John in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

 

A GUY walks into a bar, sits down next to another man and immediately notices that he has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says, "Wow, cool lighter... where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish," the man replies.

"Great, can I try it?," says the first guy.

"Sure," says the man.

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.

"You are granted one wish," says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and he disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly, the bar door swings open and in come hundreds of ducks.

"I can't believe this," says the guy, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second man replies, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

 

A black man walks into the Job Centre and says to the man behind the desk 'I'm looking for a job.'
The man replies 'You are in luck, a very wealthy man has just put an advert for a job this morning. It is for a chauffer to drive his nympho daughter around paying £200k a year. As she wants to travel in class, you will have to drive a Mercedes and because of the late hours, dinners will be provided. You will also have a big house of your own nearby his mansion.'
'Your bullshitting me' says the black man.
The man behind the desk says 'Well you fuckin' started it!'

 

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoilt, Son."

 

Walking down the road I noticed a man, naked, apart from a lettuce leaf hanging out of his arse. When I questioned him he replied grimly, "thats just the tip of the iceberg".

 

Dyslexia rules KO!!

Two Dislexics working in a kitchen.

The first say's "Can you smell Gas?"

The second replies "I cant even smell my own name!!"

 

Fucking genius, the lot of em!
I've just been asked to "keep it down" in the internet cafe where I'm reading these, as I'm laughing my cock off!!!

 

im not proud of this....

What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?












An erection.

 

Q. what do you call an all black abortion clinic? A. crimestoppers

 

This thread is awesome, I've been reading it for a while so I decided to join and post some stuff.

Why don't jews like oral sex?
Its too close to the gas chamber

Whats purple and hangs in my back yard?
Hes my nigger I can paint him whatever color I want to

What do black people wash their clothes with?
BLEEEOTCH!(its aural really, its bleach but said like biotch)

Who are the 3 most influential women in black history?
Aunt Jemima, Diana Ross and Motherfucker!

When does a black person become a nigger?
Whenever he leaves the room

Did you know? I have black in my family tree...
Apparently, hes been hangin there for years

What do you throw a drowning black person?
The rest of his family

Why did all the blacks die in vietnam?
When the sargeant said "Get Down!" They all started dancing

Whats 7 miles long and has the IQ of 68?
A Martin Luther King Day parade

What happened to the black guy who stuck his head out the window on the highway?
his lips beat him to death

What do you get if you cross a black with a vietnamese?
nothing, theres somethings even a vietnamese wont do

What would martin luther king be if he was white?
Alive

Whats are the three lies of a cowboy?
I won this belt buckle, this truck is paid for and I was only trying to help the sheep over the fence

What do you call Trees in harlem?
Public Transportation

Whats the most confusing day in harlem?
father's day

Why do blacks wear high heels?
To keep their knuckles from dragging

Whats black blue orange pink purple and green?
A black woman dressed for church

Why do they bury blacks 12 feet under ground?
because deep down they're all good people

What do steroids and the KKK have in common?
They both make blacks run faster

Why dont sharks attack blacks?
They think that they're whale shit

What do you do if you see a black with half of a head?
Stop laughing and reload

What did the alabama sheriff say about the black that was shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he'd ever seen

How do you castrate a red neck?
Kick his sister in the jaw

Why are blacks like sperm?
only 1 in a million work

Did you hear about Helen Keller's new song?
Its called MEHHH MEHHHHMEH

Why did helen keller's dog runaway?
If your name was MEHHHHHHHHHHH you'd run away too

Whats the difference between blacks and snow tires?
Snow tires dont sing when you put chains on them

How do you know adam and eve weren't black?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from some blacks?

A chinese couple have a baby and its retarded... what do they call it?
Sum-ting-wong

You hear about the new chap stick targeted to blacks?
It comes in a spray can

Why cant stevie wonder read?
because hes black

Why cant helen keller vote?
because shes a woman

Did anyone hear about Evel Kaneval's new stunt?
He's going to jump 50 niggers with a steam roller

Why are so many blacks moving to detroit?
They heard there was no jobs there

You hear about the black that had insomnia?
He kept waking up twice a week

Why don't blacks celebrate Thanksgiving?
Because KFC isnt open on holidays

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
You'd let your kids play with the plastic bag

How are black women like hockey players?
They both change their pads after 3 periods

Why is stevie wonder always smiling?
he doesnt know hes black

Why do blacks drive with the windows up?
They think the smell is coming from outside the car

What does NAACP stand for?
Niggers Are Always Causing Problems

What about PONTIAC?
Poor Old Niggers Think Its a Cadillac

Why do blacks keep chickens in their back yard?
To teach their kids how to walk

Well this is about all I can think of right now, I hope you all get a kick out of these as much as I have with your jokes!

 

Evil Kenieval

(how do you spell it anyway):shrug:

Evil Kenieval did attempt the jump over 50 niggers in a steam roller.

He failed, but laid 150 yards of blacktop with cats eyes in one operation.

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Q: What word beginning with "N" and ending in "R" wouldn't you want to call a black person?
A:Neighbour

Q: Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne doesn't cum on an 8 year olds face

Q: Whats so good about an Ethiopian giving a blow job?
A: You know she will swallow

 

Just a few that make me laugh!

Q.Why do Jews have big noses?
A.because air is free!

Q.What happens when a Jew with a boner walks into a wall?
A.He breaks his nose.

Q.Why do you not throw rocks at a paki on a bike?
A.Because it could be your bike.

Q.Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
A.So you can see the expression on it's face!

Q.Who invented copper wire?
A.Two Jews fighting over a penny.

Q.How do you save an ethiopian from drowning?
A.Throw him a polo mint.