Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

    Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

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  3. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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  5. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

    There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

    I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

    Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

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  7. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    RETIRED HUSBAND

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target..

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris ,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , arelisted below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

    6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9... September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

    11... October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    15.. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

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  8. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
    When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

    The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

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  9. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Viagra is now being added in tea bags and is available how.

    It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

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    Last edited: Mar 29, 2021
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  10. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    The wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

    "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
    If you are laughing, send me your smile.
    If you are eating, send me a bite.
    If you are drinking send me a sip.
    If you are crying, send me your tears.
    I love you".

    The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,
    "I am on the dunny. Please advise."

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  11. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"

    Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"

    Paddy asks "How do you know?"

    Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"

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  12. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

    Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
    there.

    After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

    The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

    Boy - 'I have a football.'

    Man - 'That's nice.'

    Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

    Man - 'No, thanks.'

    Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

    Man - 'OK, how much?'

    Boy - '$ 250'

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

    Boy - 'Dark in here.'

    Man - 'Yes, it is.'

    Boy - 'I have football boots.'

    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

    Boy - '$ 750'

    Man - 'Sold.'

    A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

    The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

    The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

    The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

    The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

    The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

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  13. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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  14. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    More culture

    Enjoy


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    Until recently, I didn't know this

    A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

    In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

    To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

    At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed
    "OH!! Limp pricks!"

    Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".

    Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.

    You're very welcome.

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  15. Luchito Registered Senior Member

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    A Rabbi from Israel came to New York to work in a synagogue in Manhattan.

    With the families who hired him for being their rabbi, he discussed the salary, housing and tasks to take care after he got the position.

    The committee told him h was to have a single house in a high residential area, his children to study in a Jewish school 30 minutes traveling from his residence, and all the benefits in general.

    Rosh Hashanah was next day and he was to be provided a temporary car for transportation.

    Thinking about his duties for such a holiday he asked.

    -And what about the shofar?

    -Oh no, -responded one of the members of the committee- you will drive the car by your own, we don't have enough budget to hire a chauffeur for you...
     
  16. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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  17. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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  18. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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  19. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurantbecause the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

    Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they shouldbmeet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally after checking Google for what was close and available, it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before

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  20. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Great routine



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  21. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'

    'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'

    'Pension sex?'

    'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

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  22. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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  23. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    Mr. A: "When I came to this country, I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk, I couldn't even sit up, I couldn't feed myself, I couldn't eat solid food...."

    Mr. B: "That's amazing! How long have you been here?"

    Mr. B: "I was born here."
     

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