Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Today's newspaper
    NT News newspaper
    3 April 2021
    Wicking cartoon artist

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  3. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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  5. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Not sure if posted this already
    Sorry if I have
    Still going after a bunch old emails

    An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.
    On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazingabilities of the Australian Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea...
    The Americans were incredulous.

    Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine...

    He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air!
    The bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine...

    "Hey Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"The aborigine replied,

    "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.... It's a red one… the left front tyre is bald...
    The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel...
    There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.
    There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 dogs on the front seat."

    The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

    "God Lord man, how do you know all that?," asked one.

    The Aborigine replied:... ‘I fell out of the fn thing about half an hour ago!"

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  7. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

    "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can,
    2 were on the phone

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  8. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

    Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

    There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

    But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

    "Janie, do you have a story to share?"

    'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy.

    She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.

    She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

    She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

    "Don't fuck with Mummy when she's been on the piss."

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  9. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it?

    I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

    The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

    After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
    I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod with my ear pieces

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  10. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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  11. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    A while ago, I was walking down the street early in the morning listening to my Walkman (I said it was a while ago.) A car on a side street waited for me to pass and then pulled forward. I heard a squeal and told myself that guy has a loose fanbelt.

    Then I asked myself how I could hear the fanbelt squeal when I was listening to loud heavy metal music.

    I finally realized that I hadn't heard the fanbelt at all - I had smelled the burning rubber.
     
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  12. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    The novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey' has seduced women and baffled blokes.

    Now a book 'Fifty Sheds of Grey' by author Colin Grey recounting his love of sheds at the bottom of the garden, has been specially written for men. Here are some extracts......

    We tried various positions, round the back, on the side, up against a wall..... but finally concluded that the best place for a shed was at the bottom of the garden

    She stood before me, trembling in my shed, 'I'm yours for the night' she gasped, 'You can do whatever you want with me.' So I took her to McDonalds

    She knelt before me on the shed floor, tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure, 'Now for the other boot' I said

    Ever since she read that book I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles, but she still manages to get
    in that shed

    'Put on this rubber suit and mask' I said. 'Mmmm, Kinky' she purred. 'Yes' I said, 'You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof'

    'I'm a very naughty girl,' she said, biting her lip. 'I need to be punished.' So I invited mum to stay for the weekend

    'Harder,' she said, gripping the workbench tightly, 'Harder.' 'Okay' I said, 'What is the gross national product of Nicaragua?'

    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window, despite my inexperience my Rhubarb had come up a treat

    'Are you sure you can take the pain?' she demanded, brandishing stilettos. 'I think so.' I gulped. 'Here we go then.' she said and showed me the receipt

    'Hurt me.' she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over the workbench. 'Very well,' I replied, 'You've got fat ankles and no dress sense'

    'Are you sure you want me to do this?' I asked, 'For when I'm done you won't be able to sit down for weeks. She nodded. 'Okay' I said putting the three piece suite on eBay

    'Punish me,' she cried, 'Make me suffer like only a real man can.' So I left the toilet seat up.

    'Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,' she said, while gently massaging my back and putting on her Coldplay CD.

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  13. arfa brane call me arf Valued Senior Member

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    Two weak vector bosons try to go into a bar but can't get the door open.
     
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  14. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Three little ducks go into a Bar.

    "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

    "Huey," was the reply.

    "How's your day been, Huey?"

    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

    "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

    "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

    "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

    "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

    The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

    "No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

    "My name is Puddles."

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  15. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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  16. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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  17. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    Three Little Ducks are before a judge.
    "And where were you yesterday afternoon?"
    "I was in the park, blowing bubbles..."
     
  18. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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  19. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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    Salvador Dali walking his pet anteater...

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  20. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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  21. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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  22. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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  23. Dennis Tate Valued Senior Member

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    My Ecuadorian Aunt Laura made sure that I learned a lot of those words assuming that the first language on that street might perhaps be Spanish!
     

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