Jokes and Funny Stories II

Billy T

Billy T

Use Sugar Cane Alcohol car Fuel
Valued Senior Member
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2014-01-09/marriage-makes-you-rich-and-stupid.html Note the not printed or compressed part of link is: Marriage makes you rich and stupid.

IMHO, Bloomberg has made a common mistake, like thinking fire trucks cause fires. I.e. reversing cause and effect. I.e. if you are rich and stupid, you are surely married.

Man's best friend:
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A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. “Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You’re going to have to think of another wish.”

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say nothing, and know how to make them truly happy.”

The genie paused for a while and said, “How many lanes do you want on that bridge?”
 
Today's chemistry quiz: Explain what Lithium and Sodium did to end the Australian Open Tennis match finals yesterday. Answer is here: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/sports/2014-01/25/content_17258304.htm

Hint: it happened at the French Open in 2011 also.

And while I'm here, do you know what marks a successful person, according to Lana Turner? Answer:
In a man: Making money faster than his wife can spend it.
In a woman: Finding and marrying such a man.
 
A woolly mammoth staggers into a bar and orders a large whiskey, slapping a c-note down in front of the bartender.
Since he has to use his trunk, he inadvertently pokes both his tusks through the bar, narrowly missing another employee.

"Did I do that?" the sozzled snout-owner asks. "You Mastodon", says the bartender.
 
Ted is sitting in the local getting slowly plastered and looking unhappy.
Joe the bartender asks him why the long face, and Ted explains his girlfriend left him because he forgot it was her birthday, so didn't have anything to give her when he got home.

"You might as well face it, you're a dick, Ted", says the bartender.
 
I've been reading what comes in email.
Thought id find away on and post this....

It's All In the "Good Book" -------------------------

In my mature years, I’m finally beginning to understand the Bible! For those who haven’t heard, the State of Washington just passed two laws:

* Same-sex Marriage * Legalized Marijuana

The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

I just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.....
 
Enmos (I think) closed old thread. Why? Now I can go back and read it - copy best old jokes here? I.e. others doing the same will make a more compact best jokes list. Was that the reason for closing?

Considering the large snow falls in NE of USA, this one from Wegs was good IMO:
Hilarious-Cartoons-23.jpg
 
Billy T said:
Enmos (I think) closed old thread. Why? Now I can go back and read it - copy best old jokes here? I.e. others doing the same will make a more compact best jokes list. Was that the reason for closing?
Click to expand...

No, I just thought it would be nice to have brand new jokes thread. The other one had 2500+ posts in it.
The reason I closed the old one is, well, there's not much of a point in making a new one while keeping the old one open :p
If you want you can copy best jokes from the old thread to this one.
 
R1D2 said:
For those who haven’t heard, the State of Washington just passed two laws: * Same-sex Marriage * Legalized Marijuana. The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." I just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.....
Click to expand...
The winning football teams in both leagues this year, who played in the Super Bowl, were from Seattle and Denver. This illustrates the benefits of legal marijuana.
 
I just noticed I am listed as the starter of this version II - Funny as I have many posts telling it is down right stupid in most cases to close a thread with still useful information in it that in many cases will just need to be re-posted again if new one is opened.
 
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?"
The husband asks, ''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."


It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."


His funeral service will be held on Friday.
 
cosmictraveler said:
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?"
The husband asks, ''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.."


It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."


His funeral service will be held on Friday.
Click to expand...

Excellent. :D
 
I read the following joke and thought of Fraggle Rocker.:D

Arizona - What a State!

May 30th - Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny
days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What
a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was
beautiful. I've finally found my home I love it here.

June 14th - Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th - Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of
cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people
get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to
it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th - Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th - I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now
smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th - Dry f***ing heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home
air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to
drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th - Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100
in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come
here?

Aug 4th - 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It
cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman
pissed in my pool. I hate this f***ing state.

Aug 8th - If another wise ass cracks,"Hot enough for you today?", I'm
going to tear his f***ing throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work
the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
roasted f***ing Garfield!!

Aug 10th - The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and
Sunny. It's been too hot to f*** for two damn months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this
barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so
$1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the f***ing pool. Even
a cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14th - Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to
crack the window and blew the f***ing windshield out of the Lincoln. The
installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had
to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th - Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The
f***ing monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier
than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it's new
$500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to New York for some peace and
quiet.
 
I heard HBO was looking at a new show about a mild-mannered chef who decides to go cannibal.

They were going to call it Baking Brad, but some other show got there first.
 
I pulled over at the rest stop, went into the rest room, latched the door & sat down.

Voice From Other Stall : Hey! How's it going?

Stranger : (Feeling awkward) Hanging on. Uh ... How about you?

Voice From Other Stall : I think I took a wrong turn.

Stranger : Where are you going?

Voice From Other Stall : It's great to talk with you. I've been feeling lonely.

Stranger : I have to get going. Hope you find your way.

Voice From Other Stall : Honey, I'll call you back in a few minutes. Every time I say something to you, some idiot in the next stall answers.
 
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed

the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,

then gets up & goes into the bathroom.



While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail

and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,

don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is obviously very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.

Be strong, honey. I love you!'



His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,

and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too.
 
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When
I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take
off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put
them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me
that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her,
'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in his family and I always
will.' Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after
the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to
Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big
and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these
on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't
possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill.
'And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'

Go Jill !!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
Conversation took place.

First guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend! I had to promise my wife that I would
paint every room in the house next weekend'


Second guy:
'That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I'd
build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I'd remodel the kitchen for her.'


They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth
guy hasn't said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't
said anything about what you had to do to be able to
come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'


Fourth guy smirks and says:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off,
I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her
butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?

She said:
'Wear sun-block.
 
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