The Menagerie

(Insert Title Here)

Stop Reading Now!
Really. I mean it now.

Don't say I didn't warn you:

An Australian woman accused of setting her husband's genitals on fire because she thought he was having an affair has been charged with murder ....

.... Prosecutor Lucy Boord said Narayan told neighbors she was a "jealous wife" but she hadn't meant to kill him when she doused the sleeping man's genitals with an alcohol-based solvent and then set him on fire.

Boord quoted Narayan allegedly saying: "I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else. ... I didn't mean this to happen."

The husband jumped out of bed and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, causing the fire to spread and resulting in 1 million Australian dollars ($711,000) of damage to their town house and an adjacent property, the Adelaide Advertiser reported.

(Associated Press)
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So ... um ... er ... yeah.

I'm trying to come up with something substantial on this, but for some inexplicable reason, I've got nothing.

Feel free to fill in the blank, then.
____________________


Associated Press. "Man dies after wife allegedly set genitals on fire". AZcentral.com. January 6, 2009. http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2009/01/06/20090106HusbandBurn06-ON.html
 
Dear John (Doe) letters

Oh, good heavens ....

Really, please, somebody tell me an Onion article sneaked into the New York Times:

The Army said Wednesday that it had mistakenly sent 7,000 letters with the salutation “Dear John Doe” to family members of soldiers who have died in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The letters, which were sent to provide information about private groups that offer assistance to families of soldiers killed in the wars, were supposed to have carried personal greetings. The Army said that the mistake was the fault of a subcontractor that printed the letters, but that the service bore ultimate responsibility because it did not check the letters before they were mailed.

“There are no words to adequately apologize for this mistake or for the hurt it may have caused,” Brig. Gen. Reuben D. Jones, the Army adjutant general, said in a statement.

The Army said that its chief of staff, Gen. George W. Casey Jr., would be sending 7,000 personally addressed letters of apology.

(Bumiller)
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Repeat after me: This isn't happening. This isn't happening!

Okay, so apparently it is. As mind-boggling as the snafu is, I think I can manage two words on the outcome, and they are modernization and efficiency.

To the other, Army spokesman Paul Boyce noted that the error became apparent when family members calling to thank them for the information individually pointed out that the letters had been addressed wrongly. Apparently, not a single one of them was angry, which is perhaps a testament to the power of grief, or the degree to which people are accustomed to the Army bungling small details like this.

Still one does not envy Generals Casey or Jones their positions. And a disclaimer goes here, of course, that a lack of envy for the surviving families generally needs not be stated. Still, though, there are those who need the blindingly obvious stated explicitly.
____________________

Notes:

Bumiller, Elisabeth. "Army Letter to Survivors Was Addressed to ‘John Doe’". New York Times. January 7, 2009. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/08/us/08military.html
 
Tiassa said:
Stop Reading Now!
Really. I mean it now.

Don't say I didn't warn you:



So ... um ... er ... yeah.

I'm trying to come up with something substantial on this, but for some inexplicable reason, I've got nothing.

Feel free to fill in the blank, then.
____________________


Associated Press. "Man dies after wife allegedly set genitals on fire". AZcentral.com. January 6, 2009. http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2009/01/06/20090106HusbandBurn06-ON.html
Click to expand...


Thank God, there was talk of the women only being charged with manslaughter. You do realise this story gets worse, the womens defence aparently is that "if he hadnt moved he wouldnt have died".
 
Man is rude to woman on date, woman retaliates by having sex with him, complaining on internet

Make sure you read the first 40 comments or so. It's pretty ridiculous.
Click to expand...
That's....
pretty much the best thing I've ever seen in my life. I seriously now have a new beacon of inspiration that defines my existence. The above. I am a humble servant to the lulz withheld therein.
 
Shit happens?

Shite Happens
The incremental excremental

Over at The Stranger, they've been obsessed of late with feces. And who could blame them? I can't say when it started, but the intensity picked up earlier this month with David Schmader's "Last Days" report about the shite-covered man running amok on a flight to Omaha.

Somewhere in there, Lindy West set a Google Alert for "feces".

At any rate, on the paper's blog, they've been trading the occasional post about feces, which brings us to Schmader's note to Lindy, which brings us to the latest in shitty news:

A mistrial was declared Monday when a home-invasion robbery suspect smeared human feces on his attorney's face then threw more at the jury.

Weusi McGowan, 37, was upset because San Diego Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Fraser refused to remove Deputy Alternate Public Defender Jeffrey Martin from the case, prosecutor Christopher Lawson said.

At the mid-morning break, McGowan produced a plastic baggie filled with fecal matter and spread it on Martin's hair and face, then flung the excrement toward the jury box, hitting the briefcase of juror No. 9 but missing the juror himself.

(10News.com)​

And, according to prosecutors, McGowan smeared himself with feces on at least one prior occasion. Apparently, though, he's competent to stand trial, after allegedly hitting a man with a rock in a sock, ransacking an apartment, and stealing the victim's car, which led to his arrest some twenty minutes later.

Perhaps this is a good test case for an EM&J debate. I mean, what is prison going to do for this guy? Maybe he can be sodomized back to reality?
_____________________

Notes:

Schmader, David. "Last Days". The Stranger. January 6, 2009. http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/last-days/Content?oid=938739

——————. "Dear Lindy West". Slog. January 27, 2009. http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/01/27/dear_lindy_west

West, Lindy. "'Elderly Woman's Shoes Grow Into Her Feet'". Slog. January 6, 2009. http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/01/05/_elderly_woman_s_shoes_grow_in

"Man Attacks His Lawyer In Court With Feces". 10News.com. Updated January 27, 2009. http://www.10news.com/news/18569727/detail.html
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
Just say "No" to bat'leth-wielding morons

Massive Shootout Averted!
7-Eleven clerk just said, "No"

A massive shootout was averted when no civilians happened to be carrying guns during a hold-up of two 7-Eleven stores in Colorado.

At approximately 1:50 AM, police received a report of a robbery in the 100 block of North Spruce Street in Colorado Springs. The suspect wore a black mask and jacket, and blue jeans. He threatened the clerk with a bat'leth. According to reports, the robber demanded and received an undisclosed amount of money.

A short while later, the suspect struck again, this time at a 7-Eleven store in the 2400 block of North Union Boulevard. He reportedly entered and threatened the clerk with the bat'leth. When he demanded money, the clerk refused, and the suspect left the store.

A bat'leth is a sword carried by Klingons in the Star Trek mythos. Both clerks recognized the weapon, and called it by name when describing the incidents to the police. Police in Colorado Springs said they don't know if the bat'leth was real, as the version he carried was apparently smaller than one might expect a bat'leth to be.
_____________________

Notes:

"Pic Shows Man Robbing Store With Klingon Sword". TheDenverChannel.com. Updated February 4, 2009. http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/18637190/detail.html
 
Jerry had his first brush with death after the Harris family moved to California. Jerry went to high school in Mountain View. Eddy's Sport Shop was on the corner of Fairmont & Castro, a familiar store for 50 years, kitty-corner to the high school. In the mid-50s, some kids broke into Eddy's through a back window & stole a sleeping bag & 2 guns. 1 of the young burglars brought the .22 caliber handgun to school.He bragged about how he was going to rob a drugstore. Jerry tried to talk him out of it. Suddenly the kid swung the weapon around, the gun went off & Jerry was shot in the abdomen. The kid ran but someone came along, found Jerry critically injured on the ground & called for help.

The bullet entered near 3 vital spots. A fraction of an inch in any direction & the slug would have pierced a vital organ or severed his spinal cord, leaving him dead or paralyzed. Though surgeons thought it too risky to remove the slug from his back, he survived emergency surgery & left the hospital with a long vertical scar running from just below his right rib cage to his groin.

Jerry was too badly injured to speak for days, so no 1 knew how he was shot. Newspapers went to press with the wrong story: :"Youth Critically Wounded By Sniper's Bullet". Eventually he was able to explain what happened & the shooter went to juvenile detention. When he was released months later, Jerry & the boy who shot him were called into the principal's office. Jerry was amazed that they BOTH got a verbal warning. As if Jerry had done something wrong.

------------------------------ IN THE NAME OF LOVE by Ann Rule
 
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Bingo!

Bingo!
I can't believe it, but ...

... I'm actually playing Bingo. Online. Via internet radio.

Long story.

Actually, not so long, but ... never mind.

Still, listening to the British guy calling numbers is hilarious. I only wish I was stoned for this.
 
I'll Take the Crab Juice

I'll Take the Crab Juice
Reality: The joke that keeps on giving

Um ... right. Let's just go straight to Matthias Williams, of Reuters. Matthias?

A hardline Hindu organisation, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports, is planning to launch a new soft drink made from cow's urine, often seen as sacred in parts of India.

The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), or National Volunteer Corps, said the bovine beverage is undergoing laboratory tests for the next 2 to 3 months but did not give a specific date for its commercial release.

The flavour is not yet known, but the RSS said the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases such as diabetes and cancer.​

Over at Slog, Jonah Spangenthal-Lee tries to put this in perspective—"It can't be worse than Mountain Dew."

And for my own part, I have to admit that B[sup]E[/sup] ("Be to the E") came to mind. I wonder if InBev is on the case?
___________________

Notes:

Williams, Matthias. "Hindus plan cow urine drink to rival Western sodas". Reuters. February 12, 2009. http://in.reuters.com/article/companyNews/idINDEL43615120090212

Spangenthal-Lee, Jonah. "It Can't Be Worse Than Mountain Dew". Slog. February 12, 2009. http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/02/12/it_can_t_be_worse_than_mountai

"B-to-theEzzle (B[sup]E[/sup])". MarinInstitute.org. Updated October 27, 2004. http://www.marininstitute.org/alcohol_industry/ad_alerts/b_to_e_bud.htm
 
Drill, Baby, Drill

I Thought You Were Supposed To "Drill" Her ...
... but what do I know?

Three words: Stop reading now!

The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, and then used the power tool on his partner, but the blade cut through the plastic and injured the woman.

The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding. She was later flown to Prince George's hospital center by Maryland State Police helicopter.

(Boniface)​

Two more: Reservoir Dogs.
_____________________

Notes:

Boniface, Dan. "Woman injured in sex toy mishap". 9news.com. March 10, 2009. http://www.9news.com/news/watercooler/article.aspx?storyid=111490

See Also:

"Reservoir Dogs Script - Dialogue Transcript". Drew's Script O'Rama. Accessed March 10, 2009. http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/r/reservoir-dogs-script-transcript-tarantino.html
 
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