The Menagerie

[Roman]

It sounds a bit like an Onion article.



That's right: Air Force ... uber alles!

As one blogger wrote, "Do they teach German history at the Air Force Academy?"

This is not a joke.​

Some links:

• Air Force Link: "Above All" commercial
• Dead Kennedys, "Califorinia Uber Alles - Live at the Mabuhay"
• Nietzsche Pops: The Uberbreakfast
• Pink Floyd, "Waiting for the Worms"​

____________________

Notes:

Buzanowski, Staff Sgt. J. G. "Air Force is 'Above All'". Air Force Link. February 20, 2008. http://www.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123087033

Tongodeon. "Air Force Public Affairs Officers Who Should Be Fired". March 11, 2008. http://tongodeon.livejournal.com/713617.html

See Also:

Spool, Ari. "Uber Alles". Slog. March 13, 2008. http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/03/uber_alles

Yeah, you're right. The armed forces' slogans should be stuff like "we're super big pussies," or "rainbows are pretty cool." Maybe "Let's hug!"

 

[Tiassa]

Yeah, you're right. The armed forces' slogans should be stuff like "we're super big pussies," or "rainbows are pretty cool." Maybe "Let's hug!"

Oh, come now. Surely there must be a reasonable medium. Something that doesn't sound as pretentious as Nazis, nor as silly as you've suggested. Something straightforward and effective, yet not so stark and stylized as to unnerve "middle America". How about something like,

Air Force: We'll kick your ass before you know we're there.​

Maybe,

Air Force: If you hear us, you're already dead.​

Or how about:

Air Force: When we fuck your wife and kids, there's nothing left of them.​

Really, wouldn't that just scare the bejeezus ... I mean the behammad ... I mean ... I mean, come on, now that is a threat.

 

[Tiassa]

Update from middle America

Update

Source: Seattle Times
Link: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2004308552_apwomaninbathroom.html
Title: "Kan. Woman Recovering From Toilet Ordeal", by Roxana Hegeman
Date: March 26, 2008​

In his defense, the woman's boyfriend—Kory McFarren—has said that the only thing he is guilty of is that he didn't get help sooner. And if, for the moment, we give him the benefit of the doubt, we find ourselves facing a serious question: What constitutes criminal stupidity?

Mr. McFarren has been charged with mistreatment of a dependent adult. I'm not sure how that is going to play out; we haven't proper details to move that discussion over to EM&J at this time.

A woman who may have spent nearly two years in a bathroom, sitting on the toilet so long that the seat adhered to sores on her body, remains hospitalized and in pain from medical procedures, family members said Wednesday.

Pam Babcock, 35, was found stuck to the toilet in late February after her boyfriend, Kory McFarren, 37, called authorities to say something was wrong with her. Police believe she sat on the toilet for about a month.

McFarren was charged last week with a misdemeanor count of mistreatment of a dependent adult.

Pat Bollinger, the woman's aunt, said she calls daily to the hospital to ask how Babcock is doing and asks every day to talk to her. Babcock has agreed to talk to her only once for about 10 minutes, she said.

During that one call, Babcock spoke little and mostly listened as Bollinger recounted happy family memories—time spent swimming, camping and boating—from the year Babcock lived with them in Arizona when she was in fifth grade.

Babcock has not spoken about her bathroom ordeal, said Bollinger, the family spokeswoman.

"I didn't bring up anything," Bollinger said. "I just let her know how much I loved her and cared for her."

Babcock's relatives said that no family members have been allowed to see her at the hospital, that they know little of her medical condition and that she spends much of her time sleeping at the hospital's intensive care unit.

"Her wounds are still serious. ... She is not out of the woods by any means. She is a very sick girl," Bollinger said.

(Hegeman)

A very sick girl, indeed. And this is at the heart of the question. Just how many signs, suggestions, indicators—goddamn neon signs—does one need before realizing a situation is out of hand, and that it is time to call for outside help? What is the threshold between showing respect to one you love and overriding the will of another for their own sake?

Now there is a question that might be worth taking to EM&J.

Still, though, our judgment can only be crudely rendered. Perhaps McFarren is sick in his own right. But, barring further details, it would seem charging McFarren at this point is a frustrated attempt by prosecutors to hold someone morally responsible for a macabre deviance in societal outcomes. Stupidity is the best criminal defense, but what does that suggest about society? Are we ready to criminalize stupidity?

 

[Asguard]

this is SHEAR idiocy, as i have said previously in this thread if someone suffering anxiaty and agrophobia is pushed into "getting help" that will just make them WORSE. They have to do it in there own time.

And to further the idiocy of this, for someone looking in its fine to say "he should have forced her to get help at the start" (forgetting that breaches the principle of autonimy) but we are looking at the situation as a whole from start to end. He was LIVING it day after day, on the first day im sure he thought "if she doesnt come out tomorow" and the second and then on the third ect ect

 

[Tiassa]

Sasquatch rape

Bigfoot Raped Me
Possibly the best excuse ever, even though it didn't help

What the hell can you say to something like this?

A man who claims that he was molested by Bigfoot as a child was ordered to serve 20 years in prison yesterday for his own molestation-related activities.

Gene R. Morrill, 57, of New Ipswich, N.H., had previously pleaded guilty in Stafford Circuit Court to 20 charges stemming from his efforts to solicit 13-year-old boys over the Internet.

Defense attorney Terrence Patton cited Morrill's mental health issues in seeking leniency from Judge J. Howe Brown.

Morrill told an investigator preparing his pre-sentence report about being sexually assaulted by the legendary Bigfoot, a North American folklore character said to be between 7 and 10 feet tall, and covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair. Patton said Morrill really believes the assaulted happened.

(Epps)

Yeah ... um ... what? I'd very much enjoy the moment if the relevant authorities were to obtain an arrest warrant for Bigfoot on suspicion of child molestation. Seriously, file a protection order, and that's the one sure way to make it come out of hiding.
____________________

Notes:

Epps, Keith. "Molester claims he was victim of Bigfoot". The Free Lance-Star. March 26, 2008. http://fredericksburg.com/News/FLS/2008/032008/03262008/366262

 

[Tiassa]

A Sith Lord Runs Amok in Holyhead
Darth Vader attacks British Jedi, film crew during television interview

Um ... right. Anyway, the Telegraph's Tom Chivers reports:

Jedi Master Jonba Hehol - known to family and friends as Barney Jones, 36, of Holyhead - was giving a TV interview in his back garden for a documentary when a man, dressed in a black bin-bag and wearing Darth Vader's trademark shiny black helmet, leapt over his garden fence.

Wielding a metal crutch - his lightsaber presumably being in for repairs - the Sith Lord proceeded to lay about his opponent, whose Jedi powers proved inadequate for the task of defending himself.

After besting Master Hehol in single combat, Vader, who The Sun reports was under the influence of alcohol, went on to assault the camera crew and a hairdresser.

(Chivers)

American readers—okay, two American readers I'm aware of—are skeptical. But their neighbors don't seem to care. Even if the story turns up a hoax, the photo and caption that run with it are priceless:

How the assailant may have looked.​

____________________

Notes:

Chivers, Tom. "Star Wars comes to Holyhead as Darth Vader strikes back in Jedi's back garden". Telegraph.co.uk. March 29, 2008. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/03/28/nhelmet128.xml

See Also:

Constant, Paul et al. "Darth Vader Attacks Jedi Knight". Slog. March 31, 2008. http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/03/darth_vader_attacks_jedi_knight

 

[Tiassa]

Five years for chucking a hedgehog

Three Words: Assault With Hedgehog
New Zealand suspect faces five years

Three more words: What the hell?

A 27-year-old has been charged with assaulting a teenage boy - with a hedgehog.

Police allege that Whakatane resident William Singalargh picked up the creature and threw it about 5m at a 15-year-old.

"It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks," said Senior Sergeant Bruce Jenkins, of Whakatane police. "He was arrested shortly afterwards for assault with a weapon, namely the hedgehog" ....

.... It is also unknown whether the hedgehog was dead or alive at the time but it was dead when it was collected as evidence.

(Mine)

Alrighty, then.
_________________________

Notes:

Mine, Rebecca. "Raise your hands and step away from the hedgehog". New Zealand Herald. April 6, 2008. http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10502292

 

[Orleander]

A hedgehog? Is that the best he could do?

After a night of drinking, Chytoria Lata Graham returned home early Sunday and quarreled with her live-in boyfriend, Deangelo Troop, she told police.

Pushing led to shoving and throwing things before she "snapped,'' the Erie woman told police. She grabbed the couple's month-old son and swung him through the air by the legs, using the blanket-swaddled infant as a weapon to strike her boyfriend.

Mr. Troop punched her back, prompting her to leave her apartment and call 911, she told police. When officers arrived, they found the baby, Jarron Troop, suffering from severe head injuries, and arrested Ms. Graham for causing them....

 

[Bells]

Up, Up and Away.. In my beautiful.. my beautiful balloon..

I know I shouldn't laugh, but this struck me as being deliciously and idiotically funny.:bawl:

A CATHOLIC priest who floated away under hundreds of helium balloons in a bid to raise money for his parish is missing off Brazil.

Only pieces of the party balloons have been found by searchers looking for Reverend Adelir Antonio de Carli off the coast of Santa Catarina state, the Associated Press reported.

Mr de Carli, 41, lifted off from the port city of Paranagua yesterday afternoon wearing a helmet, thermal suit and a parachute.

He was reported missing about eight hours later after losing contact with port authority officials, according to the treasurer of his Sao Cristovao parish, Denise Gallas.
(Source)

Fear not, the Padre is a qualified sky diver and was well prepared for his journey. The journey was meant to be a record flight lasting 19 hours, and was meant to end in city of Dourados, 750km northwest from where he first started. However the wind pushed him out to sea instead.

A video of Mr de Carli posted on the G1 website of Globo TV showed the smiling priest slipping into a flight suit, being strapped to a seat attached to hundreds of balloons, and soaring into the air to the cheers of a crowd.

He soared to an altitude of 6000m then descended to about 2500m for his flight to the city of Dourados, 750km northwest of his parish.

But winds pushed him out to sea and Mr de Carli was 50km off the coast when he last contacted Paranagua's port authority, Ms Gallas said.

The video of him floating up into the air is, well, bizarre. Honestly, what happened to a cake drive to raise money? How is tying a priest to hundreds of balloons going to raise anymore money? Actually, never mind. I can understand why people would pay.

Now, you'd think he was raising money for a hospital.. sick children.. the homeless?.. No. None of those. It seems the Padre took his flight to the heavens for a very special cause.

Mr de Carli had been trying to break a 19-hour record for flying with balloons to raise money for a spiritual rest-stop for truckers in Paranagua, Brazil's second-largest port for agricultural products.

Yes, that's right. He was raising money for a "spiritual rest-stop for truckers".

The need to laugh out loud is very strong at the moment. So somewhere, out to sea, there might be a priest floating either in the water or in the air if the balloons held out long enough, so that he could raise money for a rest stop for truckers to tap into their spiritual side.

 

[Tiassa]

Government wankers

Government Wankers
Misadventures in design

​

Right. We'll start with Aislinn Simpson's report for London's Telegraph:

The logo, for the Office of Government Commerce, was intended to signify a bold commitment to the body’s aim of “improving value for money by driving up standards and capability in procurement”.

Instead, it has generated howls of mirth and what is likely to be a barrage of teasing emails from mandarins in other departments.

According to insiders, the graphic was already proudly etched on mousemats and pens before it was unveiled for employees, who spotted the clanger within seconds.

Staff have apparently now stripped their office of souvenirs bearing the logo, which could appear on eBay within days.

A spokesman for OGC said: “It is true that it caused a few titters among some staff when viewed on its side, but on consideration we concluded that the effect was generic to the particular combination of the letters OGC - and it is not inappropriate to an organisation that’s looking to have a firm grip on Government spend.”

(Simpson)

The logo, as it was presented:

​

____________________

Notes:

Simpson, Aislinn. "OGC unveils new logo to red faces". Telegraph Online. April 24, 2008. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/04/24/nogc124.xml

 

[Tiassa]

Home Protection

Home Protection
Man shoots at bees in self-defense, injures self

Whether it's the Darwin Award-worthy behavior in and of itself or the decision that a circumstance required a firearm for defense, I am not sure what, exactly, is more unsettling. A Williamsburg, Pennsylvania man as injured last month when he attempted to use a .22 revolver loaded with buckshot to shoot bees.

According to police 57-year-old David Walls had been drinking when he tried to shoot down some bees flying above him using a .22 caliber revolver loaded with buckshot. Walls ended up shooting himself in the left hand causing soft tissue damage.

(Schaffer)

See, part of me wonders if Mr. Schaffer ever complained about liberals trying to take away the right of responsible gun owners like himself to defend themselves. I'm guessing he's never said a word along those lines, because clearly, no responsible gun owner would attempt to shoot down bees—while drunk—and end up shooting himself.
____________________

Notes:

Schaffer, Craig. "Blair Man’s Self Inflicted Gunshot Wound Alcohol Related". WRTA.com. April 28, 2008. http://wrta.com/artman/publish/article_8908.shtml

 

[Tiassa]

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on!
This isn't happening ... this isn't happening ....

Okay, okay, okay. So if the woman grafted to her toilet wasn't quite enough, a tale out of Wisconsin brings us ... well, it sure as hell is something ....

THURSDAY, MAY 8 The week continues with a tale that seems custom-made by God for this column, combining as it does several of the worst scenarios Last Days has ever acknowledged. The place: 80 miles north of Madison, Wisconsin, where, as the Associated Press so succinctly put it, "Two children and their mother lived for about two months with the decaying body of a 90-year-old woman on the toilet of their home's only bathroom, on the advice of a religious 'superior' who claimed the corpse would come back to life." As the AP reports, the saga kicked into high gear yesterday, when a woman asked sheriff's officials to check on her sister, 90-year-old Magdeline Alvina Middlesworth, who had not been heard from for some time. Deputy Leigh Neville-Neil arrived at Middlesworth's residence to find 35-year-old Tammy Lewis blocking the door and a horrible stench fighting to get out. Once inside, the deputy found hymns playing on the stereo, religious materials scattered everywhere, and "something piled on what appeared to be a toilet." The source of the mystery pile: Magdeline Alvina Middlesworth, whose body was left on the toilet for roughly two months while Lewis—under the guidance of 57-year-old, self-proclaimed bishop Alan Bushey—tried to fulfill God's prophesy that Middlesworth would come back to life if Lewis prayed hard enough. Unfortunately for everyone, Lewis's prayers failed, leaving her family—including a 15-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son—to live with a rotting corpse in their home's only bathroom for two months. Tomorrow the kids will be placed in foster care, and Tammy Lewis and Alan Bushey will remain in custody on felony charges of "being a party to causing mental harm to a child."

(Schmader)

I mean, really.
____________________

Notes:

Schmader, David. "Last Days". The Stranger. May 14, 2008. http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=578167

 

[Tiassa]

God damn it

God damn it
What kind of moron do you have to be to injure your ass while mooning someone?

From Utrecht, via AP:

Dutch police say a man who pushed his exposed buttocks against a restaurant window as a joke was injured when the glass broke and lacerated his behind.

Authorities say a man, 21, and two others had run down a street Sunday morning with their pants pulled down. The man pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant when it broke and cut him.

(Associated Press)

_____________________

Notes:

Associated Press. "Dutch man suffers cut buttocks in joke mishap". June 3, 2008. http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hORO0EjxODYq7Fx_ycxaFCblRIMwD912KKN00

 

[Tiassa]

Thanks for the note, Brendan

Thanks, Brendan — Good of You to Let Us Know
Kiley corrects "typo of the day"

And what a hummer of a typo it is:

For all you prospective interns who have responded to this ad I posted yesterday:

Wanted: Intern for The Stranger’s Theater Section—the old one has lost consciousness. Must be reliable (seriously, no flakes), available on Monday and/or Tuesday afternoons, and believe mindless data entry is a means to getting head.

Send inquiries to: brendan@thestranger.com or 323-7101.

That should read: “means to getting ahead.”

We regret the error.

(Kiley)

Awesome.

(The ad itself has been withdrawn.)
_____________________

Notes:

Kiley, Brendan. "Typo of the Day". Slog. June 4, 2008. http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/06/typo_of_the_day_1

 

[Tiassa]

This town needs an enema!

This Town Needs an Enema!
Really ... apparently ....

Enough said:

A health spa in Russia has unveiled a bronze monument of three cherubs carrying an enema, a design inspired by the 15th century Renaissance painter Sandro Botticelli ....

.... "We administer enemas nearly every day," said Alexander Kharchenko, the head of the sanatorium which specializes in treating illnesses of the digestion tract.

"So, I thought, why not use our sense of humor and give it a monument," he said of the bronze statue that stands about 1.5 meters high.

Local artist Svetlana Avakova, who designed the monument which cost around 1 million roubles ($42,000), said Botticelli's classic painting Venus and Mars had given her the inspiration to tackle the tricky subject.

(Korniyenko)

A monument to the enema syringe is unveiled in a sanatorium in the southern
Russian spa town of Inozemtsevo June 18, 2008. A health spa in Russia has unveiled
a bronze monument of three cherubs carrying an enema, a design inspired by the
15th century Renaissance painter Sandro Botticelli. (REUTERS/Eduard Korniyenko)​

____________________

Notes:

Korniyenko, Eduard. "Russian monument to enemas inspired by Botticelli". Reuters. June 19, 2008. http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSL1982017120080619

 

[Asguard]

yea i saw this on the ABC before when i was looking up another artical, all i could think was WHY?

 

[Tiassa]

Why not?

all i could think was WHY?

And yet, I find myself wondering, "Why not?"

Indeed, it's strange, but that only endears me to the thing. Alexander Kharchenko, the head of the facility, made the point about humor, and it's kind of hard to argue with that.

Beyond that, though, I have no useful context for a critique.

 

[Tiassa]

Another f@cking moron with a gun ....

Responsible Gun Owner?
Maybe he was celebrating the Supreme Court ruling

Um ... right. This is even more ridiculous than the bit with the bees.

Police say a man who was drinking with friends and playing with a handgun accidentally shot himself in the face in Spokane.

Police say when someone expressed concern about the gun early today, the man attempted to prove it was unloaded by pointing it at his face and pulling the trigger.

(Associated Press)

Just another responsible gun owner, you know? After all, the only person he actually shot was himself. And no, he didn't die.
_____________________

Notes:

Associated Press. "Spokane man accidentally shoots self in face". SeattleTimes.com. June 26, 2008. http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008018839_webshotface26m.html

 

[Tiassa]

Goddamn!

If Only They'd Had Guns ...
... then we could have some dead people instead of merely injured

A bizarre news item out of Seattle:

A dispute over who would be the first to exit a downtown Seattle parking garage early Saturday morning escalated into a 50-person melee and ended with one woman beaten, another stabbed in the abdomen, and a man arrested for assault, according to police ....

.... Two separate groups, one of men and one of women, had left the restaurant and got into an argument about who would be first to exit the lot, [police spokesperson Renee] Witt said.

The women, in one car, got in front. One of the men got out of another car and started an argument with the women. The man pulled one of the women out of the car and "began stomping on her," Witt said. At that point, onlookers got involved and the scene turned into a "free for all, a huge melee," Witt said.

Responding officers estimated 50 people were involved.

One of the men stabbed one of the women in the abdomen. The woman, in her 20s, was treated on the scene and taken to Harborview with non-life-threatening injuries, Witt said.

(SeattleTimes.com)

Road rage before you even get to the road? I'm actually wondering what drugs were involved. Likely alcohol, although apparently the police had more to worry about than whether either of the drivers had been drinking. But what the hell is up when you just drag someone out of a car and start stomping on them? Over leaving a parking garage?

Maybe they were just carrying over disgruntlement from the restaurant. One patron review reads, "After reading several reviews for this place, I had to try it myself. I mean the service cant really be all that bad, can it? I found out the hard way that, yes, service really can be this poor!"
_____________________

Notes:

Staff Report. "Seattle parking garage melee involves 50 people". Seattle Times.com. June 28, 2008. http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008023055_webstabbing29.html

H, Chris. "O'Asian Kitchen Review". Yelp.com. June 27, 2008. http://www.yelp.com/biz/o-asian-kitchen-seattle#hrid:RsAOu5GkXfLR4vv9PZpiBw

 

[Tiassa]

Another one bites the dust. (But there's still plenty of morons out there.)

Gun Prevents Home Invasion
But it's not what you might think

Er ... yeah. So it goes:

Police in a Dallas suburb say a man trying to rob a house accidentally shot himself after kicking down the door and died in the driveway ....

.... Police Lt. John Brimmer says the evidence indicates Sands shot himself while trying to pull the gun from his waistband. He then dropped the gun and ran until he collapsed.

(Associated Press)

Ran, or staggered? An intermediate sentence in the ellipsis states "Sands was found outside the house". It would appear he didn't run very far.

Write your own punch line.
_________________________

Notes:

Associated Press. "Man shoots himself while breaking into house, dies". WashingtonPost.com. June 18, 2008. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/18/AR2008061802850.html