My Brain is soo messed up My Doctor has put me on 6 months stress leave

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by RainbowSingularity, Dec 1, 2021.

  1. origin Heading towards oblivion Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    11,888
    Hope you feel better Rainbow!
     
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  2. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  3. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    thanks

    some parts of my mind have been broken
    i am unable to see if i can repair them until i can find a place to live by myself.
    the question is will added complications arise from attempting to apply running repairs until such a time.

    there is only soo much medication can do
    (im having some issues with my connection so if i dont post for a few days you know its my isp issues[assuming i have not been ip banned on the server{in error}])

    i am yet to fully gauge what parts are broken as i am attempting to work on running repairs to pressure test meds & cognitive function while in a difficult situation.

    so i am following as much advice as i can find from the likes of bells etc.
    i can always do less & go more into turtle mode & shut things out make my world smaller
    but i need to make my world larger to repair things.
    smaller to reduce damage
    its a bizarre reality
    but im a bizarre person

    im also going through family members age decline which has sparked some memory's of my own fathers death which was fairly traumatic
    its hard to look at 1 family member & not feel those feelings for another who has suffered terribly.
    many triggers & issues all rolled into one.
    im confident i will pull through in some shape or another eventually
    its just likely to be a bit messy & painful.

    ive started engaging my own cognitive behavioral therapy system to combat some issues
    i want more different meds though
    but thats difficult to push doctors to give me all sorts of things because they can get into trouble if its not soundly backed
    & i dont want to do that. love all my doctors
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2021
  4. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  5. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    meds are holding kinda ok

    sleep seems to be the primary issue
    sitting right beside the need to mix with other people & get out & do different things(CBT)
    im re-connecting with my best friend of 12 years or soo, who i was depressing with my mental state.

    & ive started eating a little more to put on an extra 3 to 4 pounds
    (im very slim with naturally low body fat)
    so im doing this to give my brain fat to access in the blood stream to help brain repair.

    im drinking around 3 litres of fluid per day to keep my kidneys & liver flushed

    but im still mixing & matching my meds to find the right dose of what
    still trying to find something that will fix things
    but i expect only new brain tissue will fix it
    so i need to kill off some parts of my brain & move some things around to other areas.

    i have an on again off again eidetic memory
    some things have always been very hard to remember & some things i simply cant unless i make a point about it.

    im completely useles remembering number sequences & dont know calculus or trig or algebra
    (so i wud be useles as a code breaker lol)

    on again off again eidetic memory

    funny fact of how weird my brain is
    i may not be able to remember a persons name
    but i will remember their personality as if i have recorded it in multi bandwidth audio tape of different features
    my brain default processes their language & body language & decodes it & constructs their personality model as i interact briefly

    not always & doesn't work all the time
    but its my normal default mental state
    but im useless with names & birthdays/numbers lol
    but i will remember exactly how someone likes their tea or coffee & how they sat in a chair & what emotional behaviors they had & displayed

    i had near perfect recall(in a controlled situation) before this happened
    while i was working in a previous job as a financial telephone assistant(banking)
    [junior personal banker level skill set{i didn't do any lending, didn't want to}]
    i could recall entire conversations & all the dollar figures & product features while updating on new rates daily deals & current affairs & training & sales & KPI goals etc
    all at once
    on request by my manager (my manager would give me a persons name, tell me roughly how long ago i talked with them, then give me a few minutes to remember & maybe give me a dollar figure or other piece of key locator info...
    then i would be able to re-construct the entire event down to minute details


    best manager i've ever had
    as a team of boys n girls
    we broke the glass ceiling & made some 1sts for the bank with sales & service(official high ranking compliments etc)
    was good fun, tough but good fun.
    not for the faint hearted lol constantly pushing your self to learn new regulations new training new laws sales techniques & service style tweaks while continually expanding product knowledge & then dealing with the public as customers
    not uncommon to be abused verbally once a day.



    my manager trusted me to have a supervisor level money clearance level because she knew i made it my mission to think like she did(without loosing my own personality) to do the job.
    mental tool kits example

    where my normal was around 8 years ago


    i would change profession to work in almost any industry to work for that same manager again

    except anything im too dumb for or sex worker
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2022
  6. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  7. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    not sure the meds are working soo well
    struggling to get the right combination & the right effect
    but for sure things are not how they use to be
    something is definitely broken
    0 doubt

    its a question IF it can fix its self
    the meds seem like a failing pathway
    they seem to be creating some potential side effects
    but i am yet to fully isolate things to get a grip on that.

    ...
    i may start taking random combos of things to see how low dosing on various cocktails helps or hinders
    however everything seems to be all over the place.

    would be nice to get my hands on some clean top quality meth amphetamine & some clean MDMA
    ive used that before with good results mixed with some other prescription meds
    but i was also living by myself then
    where i live now i am constantly having my sleep routine interrupted & pestered & people playing their mind games with me

    uphill
     
  8. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    my brain is still a mess
    but a LOT less of a mess
    still trying to adjust my meds to work properly
    but that doesn't seem to work

    they help
    the anti depressants are the big helper
    feeling a lot happier sleeping a lot better
    sleep is the huge winner from the anti depressants
    which has a positive effect on everything

    but
    anti-psychotics ... i think im having side effects

    the fatigue i can adjust by dosing only at bed time
    but the efficacy is not soo great later in the afternoon so i need another dose
    but that then tires me out a lot and fatigue kicks in
    seems to kick in a day later
    its all still a lot of trial and error

    huge progress with the anti depressants balancing my serotonin out made MASSIVE difference to my quality of sleep

    would highly recommend anyone with sleep issues to discuss it with their doctor.
    makes such a vast difference
    do get mood swings though
    sudden tears sudden downs during the 1st week or 2
    but as long as you know whats going on its just an emotional melt down you can have a cry but don't feel depressed
    its not happy tears
    but its not that deep depression setting in.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2022
  9. Beer w/Straw Transcendental Ignorance! Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,549
    Sleep and money!

    The ability to control reality, or, pretend reality doesn't exist.
     
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  10. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    for sure
    money gives access to mental health
    food
    rental/housing
    entertainment/play
    socialisation

    "control" is a tricky word

    im pushing myself in the sleep area to get more sleep

    its very hard to push myself to make more money

    i only get around 200US$ per week disability
    & can earn about another 150 per week without loosing my disability
    but no one will employ someone on anti psyches & anti depressants

    i will likely need the meds for life now that my mind has been broken

    so that means i can never get a job
    thats quite crushing
    but im trying to ignore it
    how do you ignore the need for money to pay for rent food & mental health & meds
    NOT counting the money needed for socialization & entertainment/play
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2022
  11. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    well, upping my meds has helped
    but they give me chronic fatigue
    i have only around 25% of my normal energy
    sleeping lots
    lost interest in most things(im just bored with soo many things i use to find mild interest in)

    im running my own physical therapy program to try & get me back to atleast 50%
    progress i slow in that.
    tired most of the time

    sleep has drastically improved which is good
    thanks to the anti psyche meds & the anti depressants
    i have almost stopped using my sleeping meds
     
  12. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    so i have self diagnosed
    i have OCD
    seems fairly obvious now
    my psychiatrist has listed me as having a "mood disorder"

    i am pondering asking for another appointment with my psychiatrist to chat about any specific testing for OCD to see if there is any other treatments meds or CBT things i can do.
     
  13. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    copied over from a dif thread

    im unemployed looking for a job
    still trying to fix my mental breakdown trying to stasbalise my self on meds
    still quiet bumpy
    some kinda weird brain injury from stress
    on top of OCD
    & a few other issues like lots of allergy's

    my anti psyche meds suddenly stopped working for about 5 minutes as i was driving just an hour ago
    WTF! was that about
    sheesh

    imagine having imaginary friends in your head talking at you almost constantly
    happy sad what ever
    just non stop talking so you never get a moment to your own thoughts
    thats what i have
    meds are for trying to turn the voices off so i can sleep & relax.
    ===

    how weird is that, that my meds stop working while they should be working & the voices start up
    as loud as someone sitting beside you quietly talking in your ear
    un mistakable clear & different voices like different people

    apparently it may be OCD persistent thoughts range with some type of anxiety trigger

    what i am wondering about is the rainbow stained glass window squigly lines i amm seeing ofetn when i close my eyes

    normal reasoning would say thats a migraine but i have no head pain
    i have suffered from migraines in the past for some years
    thought i had cured myself of those

    i note the visuals as they are called, that im getting are not too dissimilar to what synesthesia people get & what some women get as migraines & a very few men
    men who get these type of migraines are genius level IQ i have noticed.(i have known a few)

    why would my meds suddenly stop working
    very unsettling because it worrys me my mes may stop working all together
    & that would be very bad
    would have to go back to the specialist & get moved to some different types of meds who might have nasty side effects
    im currently on the safest long term meds now
    changing to anything else is a risk to basic health & long term life quality
     
  14. Ethernos D Grace Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    329
    Wish u wellness.
    I think u should go around collecting elon musk,Jeff besos n other prominent people's palm print on a canvas n later in fund raising event for sciforums n sell it for 26 million dollar.
     
  15. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,077
    Tolerance perhaps?

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  16. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    could be
    i have a very fast attenuation to meds in general
    im tweaking my food to remove some things also
     
  17. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    i thought i was making progress, i think i am, but i had a bit of an episode
    i think it was a combination of pushing back my meal & meds times & allergys & fatigue all at once.
    bit of a panic attack
    i suspect i had a migraine which was triggered by allergys fatigue & exhaust fumes

    i seem to have a very big reaction to fumes & some type of hayfever combination
    maybe its combined with dehydration & sinusitis

    im a work in progress

    i have "persistent thoughts OCD"
    kinda thing going on
    like a stuck record in my head of any particular thought as a single or double word.
    which is very disrupting
    meds hold that down well, but it surprises me how it can suddenly come on regardless of meds if i get stressed
    stressed in this case being migraine meal time moved back some emotional triggers, fatigue sinusitis allergy's

    the migraines are not hard pain but mental disturbance flashing colours when i close my eyes & basic headache that also has emotional fatigue with it.

    i can make all the noise stop in such a situation if i suddenly concentrate on something very hard but only for a couple of minutes
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2022
  18. Cenderawasih Registered Member

    Messages:
    114

    How about robbing banks?

    But seriously, folks, you thought you had problems?

    My doctor tells me there is good news and bad. The bad is I'm terribly sick and will be dead in a month.

    The good news is they're gonna name a disease after me.
     
  19. Cenderawasih Registered Member

    Messages:
    114
    You want jokes?

    How do you get a philosopher off your porch?

    Ans: Pay for the pizza.
     
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  20. Yazata Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    5,902
    Hang in there Rainbow Singularity.

    You have friends and we care about you.
     
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  21. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    16,600
    Might be a symptom of a silent migraine--which is a migraine with no pain. I have experienced what is called a scintillating scotoma---which is like a chain of multicolored squares just off of your field of vision and in both eyes. They usually go away in an hour or so,

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scintillating_scotoma
     
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  22. Cenderawasih Registered Member

    Messages:
    114
    Whenever you begin to feel worthless, just remember organs fetch a good price in North Korea
     
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  23. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,447
    sorry to hear.
     

Share This Page