My Brain is soo messed up My Doctor has put me on 6 months stress leave

origin said:
Hope you feel better Rainbow!
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thanks

some parts of my mind have been broken
i am unable to see if i can repair them until i can find a place to live by myself.
the question is will added complications arise from attempting to apply running repairs until such a time.

there is only soo much medication can do
(im having some issues with my connection so if i dont post for a few days you know its my isp issues[assuming i have not been ip banned on the server{in error}])

i am yet to fully gauge what parts are broken as i am attempting to work on running repairs to pressure test meds & cognitive function while in a difficult situation.

so i am following as much advice as i can find from the likes of bells etc.
i can always do less & go more into turtle mode & shut things out make my world smaller
but i need to make my world larger to repair things.
smaller to reduce damage
its a bizarre reality
but im a bizarre person

im also going through family members age decline which has sparked some memory's of my own fathers death which was fairly traumatic
its hard to look at 1 family member & not feel those feelings for another who has suffered terribly.
many triggers & issues all rolled into one.
im confident i will pull through in some shape or another eventually
its just likely to be a bit messy & painful.

ive started engaging my own cognitive behavioral therapy system to combat some issues
i want more different meds though
but thats difficult to push doctors to give me all sorts of things because they can get into trouble if its not soundly backed
& i dont want to do that. love all my doctors
 
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meds are holding kinda ok

sleep seems to be the primary issue
sitting right beside the need to mix with other people & get out & do different things(CBT)
im re-connecting with my best friend of 12 years or soo, who i was depressing with my mental state.

& ive started eating a little more to put on an extra 3 to 4 pounds
(im very slim with naturally low body fat)
so im doing this to give my brain fat to access in the blood stream to help brain repair.

im drinking around 3 litres of fluid per day to keep my kidneys & liver flushed

but im still mixing & matching my meds to find the right dose of what
still trying to find something that will fix things
but i expect only new brain tissue will fix it
so i need to kill off some parts of my brain & move some things around to other areas.

i have an on again off again eidetic memory
some things have always been very hard to remember & some things i simply cant unless i make a point about it.

im completely useles remembering number sequences & dont know calculus or trig or algebra
(so i wud be useles as a code breaker lol)

on again off again eidetic memory

funny fact of how weird my brain is
i may not be able to remember a persons name
but i will remember their personality as if i have recorded it in multi bandwidth audio tape of different features
my brain default processes their language & body language & decodes it & constructs their personality model as i interact briefly

not always & doesn't work all the time
but its my normal default mental state
but im useless with names & birthdays/numbers lol
but i will remember exactly how someone likes their tea or coffee & how they sat in a chair & what emotional behaviors they had & displayed

i had near perfect recall(in a controlled situation) before this happened
while i was working in a previous job as a financial telephone assistant(banking)
[junior personal banker level skill set{i didn't do any lending, didn't want to}]
i could recall entire conversations & all the dollar figures & product features while updating on new rates daily deals & current affairs & training & sales & KPI goals etc
all at once
on request by my manager (my manager would give me a persons name, tell me roughly how long ago i talked with them, then give me a few minutes to remember & maybe give me a dollar figure or other piece of key locator info...
then i would be able to re-construct the entire event down to minute details

best manager i've ever had
as a team of boys n girls
we broke the glass ceiling & made some 1sts for the bank with sales & service(official high ranking compliments etc)
was good fun, tough but good fun.
not for the faint hearted lol constantly pushing your self to learn new regulations new training new laws sales techniques & service style tweaks while continually expanding product knowledge & then dealing with the public as customers
not uncommon to be abused verbally once a day.


my manager trusted me to have a supervisor level money clearance level because she knew i made it my mission to think like she did(without loosing my own personality) to do the job.
mental tool kits example

where my normal was around 8 years ago


i would change profession to work in almost any industry to work for that same manager again
except anything im too dumb for or sex worker
 
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not sure the meds are working soo well
struggling to get the right combination & the right effect
but for sure things are not how they use to be
something is definitely broken
0 doubt

its a question IF it can fix its self
the meds seem like a failing pathway
they seem to be creating some potential side effects
but i am yet to fully isolate things to get a grip on that.

...
i may start taking random combos of things to see how low dosing on various cocktails helps or hinders
however everything seems to be all over the place.

would be nice to get my hands on some clean top quality meth amphetamine & some clean MDMA
ive used that before with good results mixed with some other prescription meds
but i was also living by myself then
where i live now i am constantly having my sleep routine interrupted & pestered & people playing their mind games with me

uphill
 
my brain is still a mess
but a LOT less of a mess
still trying to adjust my meds to work properly
but that doesn't seem to work
they help
the anti depressants are the big helper
feeling a lot happier sleeping a lot better
sleep is the huge winner from the anti depressants
which has a positive effect on everything

but
anti-psychotics ... i think im having side effects

the fatigue i can adjust by dosing only at bed time
but the efficacy is not soo great later in the afternoon so i need another dose
but that then tires me out a lot and fatigue kicks in
seems to kick in a day later
its all still a lot of trial and error

huge progress with the anti depressants balancing my serotonin out made MASSIVE difference to my quality of sleep

would highly recommend anyone with sleep issues to discuss it with their doctor.
makes such a vast difference
do get mood swings though
sudden tears sudden downs during the 1st week or 2
but as long as you know whats going on its just an emotional melt down you can have a cry but don't feel depressed
its not happy tears
but its not that deep depression setting in.
 
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Beer w/Straw said:
Sleep and money!

The ability to control reality, or, pretend reality doesn't exist.
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for sure
money gives access to mental health
food
rental/housing
entertainment/play
socialisation

"control" is a tricky word

im pushing myself in the sleep area to get more sleep

its very hard to push myself to make more money

i only get around 200US$ per week disability
& can earn about another 150 per week without loosing my disability
but no one will employ someone on anti psyches & anti depressants

i will likely need the meds for life now that my mind has been broken

so that means i can never get a job
thats quite crushing
but im trying to ignore it
how do you ignore the need for money to pay for rent food & mental health & meds
NOT counting the money needed for socialization & entertainment/play
 
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well, upping my meds has helped
but they give me chronic fatigue
i have only around 25% of my normal energy
sleeping lots
lost interest in most things(im just bored with soo many things i use to find mild interest in)

im running my own physical therapy program to try & get me back to atleast 50%
progress i slow in that.
tired most of the time

sleep has drastically improved which is good
thanks to the anti psyche meds & the anti depressants
i have almost stopped using my sleeping meds
 
so i have self diagnosed
i have OCD
seems fairly obvious now
my psychiatrist has listed me as having a "mood disorder"

i am pondering asking for another appointment with my psychiatrist to chat about any specific testing for OCD to see if there is any other treatments meds or CBT things i can do.
 
copied over from a dif thread

im unemployed looking for a job
still trying to fix my mental breakdown trying to stasbalise my self on meds
still quiet bumpy
some kinda weird brain injury from stress
on top of OCD
& a few other issues like lots of allergy's

my anti psyche meds suddenly stopped working for about 5 minutes as i was driving just an hour ago
WTF! was that about
sheesh

imagine having imaginary friends in your head talking at you almost constantly
happy sad what ever
just non stop talking so you never get a moment to your own thoughts
thats what i have
meds are for trying to turn the voices off so i can sleep & relax.
===

how weird is that, that my meds stop working while they should be working & the voices start up
as loud as someone sitting beside you quietly talking in your ear
un mistakable clear & different voices like different people

apparently it may be OCD persistent thoughts range with some type of anxiety trigger

what i am wondering about is the rainbow stained glass window squigly lines i amm seeing ofetn when i close my eyes

normal reasoning would say thats a migraine but i have no head pain
i have suffered from migraines in the past for some years
thought i had cured myself of those

i note the visuals as they are called, that im getting are not too dissimilar to what synesthesia people get & what some women get as migraines & a very few men
men who get these type of migraines are genius level IQ i have noticed.(i have known a few)

why would my meds suddenly stop working
very unsettling because it worrys me my mes may stop working all together
& that would be very bad
would have to go back to the specialist & get moved to some different types of meds who might have nasty side effects
im currently on the safest long term meds now
changing to anything else is a risk to basic health & long term life quality
 
RainbowSingularity said:
what hobbys should i start ?

considering im broke & in debt so it cant cost actual money

conversation thread
comments jokes & funny storys welcome
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Wish u wellness.
I think u should go around collecting elon musk,Jeff besos n other prominent people's palm print on a canvas n later in fund raising event for sciforums n sell it for 26 million dollar.
 
i thought i was making progress, i think i am, but i had a bit of an episode
i think it was a combination of pushing back my meal & meds times & allergys & fatigue all at once.
bit of a panic attack
i suspect i had a migraine which was triggered by allergys fatigue & exhaust fumes

i seem to have a very big reaction to fumes & some type of hayfever combination
maybe its combined with dehydration & sinusitis

im a work in progress

i have "persistent thoughts OCD"
kinda thing going on
like a stuck record in my head of any particular thought as a single or double word.
which is very disrupting
meds hold that down well, but it surprises me how it can suddenly come on regardless of meds if i get stressed
stressed in this case being migraine meal time moved back some emotional triggers, fatigue sinusitis allergy's

the migraines are not hard pain but mental disturbance flashing colours when i close my eyes & basic headache that also has emotional fatigue with it.

i can make all the noise stop in such a situation if i suddenly concentrate on something very hard but only for a couple of minutes
 
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RainbowSingularity said:
what hobbys should i start ?

considering im broke & in debt so it cant cost actual money

conversation thread
comments jokes & funny storys welcome
Click to expand...


How about robbing banks?

But seriously, folks, you thought you had problems?

My doctor tells me there is good news and bad. The bad is I'm terribly sick and will be dead in a month.

The good news is they're gonna name a disease after me.
 
what i am wondering about is the rainbow stained glass window squigly lines i amm seeing ofetn when i close my eyes

normal reasoning would say thats a migraine but i have no head pain
i have suffered from migraines in the past for some years
thought i had cured myself of those
Click to expand...

Might be a symptom of a silent migraine--which is a migraine with no pain. I have experienced what is called a scintillating scotoma---which is like a chain of multicolored squares just off of your field of vision and in both eyes. They usually go away in an hour or so,

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scintillating_scotoma
 
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