So what now, smart guy?
But, um, guess what? Twelve good men and true refused to accept your tearful protests that "she was wearing shorts!" and "she didn't say NO!" as a valid defence and now you're in prison. Well, boo-hoo.
But stop crying. No, seriously - it's embarrassing.
Stop crying. We, the kind and knowledgeable people at Sciforums, have produced this comprehensive guide to prisons and how to survive them. We'll get you through this - maybe even with your anal virginity intact. Probably not, but we'll do our best.
Prison and Gangs
The first thing you're going to need to do is join a gang. Man, you ain't nuthin' in jail without a gang. But, gosh, there are just so many. Which one should you choose?
Well: perhaps another contributor can chip in here and help to find the right gang for you... white boy.
Prison and Boyfriends
The next thing you're going to need is a boyfriend. Man, you're gonna feel soooo unloved in jail without a boyfriend. But again, gosh, there are just soooo many hunks to choose from. What about that long-haired, bottle-blond surfer boy you see sashaying past your pad every night around eight? You'd sure like a piece of him, wouldn't you?
Well forget it, honey - he belongs to 'Stabber' Noakes. Have you met 'Stabber' yet? He's got his eye on you, boy.
Escaping from Prison
Is impossible. Who do you think you are - Steve McQueen? You can't even ride a motorbike! The last time you tried hit upon the discovery that motorbikes can't climb walls.
Face facts, dumbass. You ain't never getting out. Except, perhaps, when your sentence is completed. Or on day-release.
- spuriousmonkey can ride a motorbike by strapping a dildo to the seat and humping it.
- Americans often write prison as prion.