Happeh

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WARNING: THIS ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN SMALL TRACES OF WOO WOO. Anyone with an intact brain should proceed with extreme caution.

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Happeh's avatar.

Happeh was a masturbation- and homosexuality-obsessed member of SciForums memorable for the proposition of a remarkably integrated lunatic conspiracy theory called "Happeh Theory". He has written five "books", each crazier than the last.

Happeh's argumentative thrust was that approved scientific method and critical thinking were all that is necessary to understand Happeh Theory, unless approved scientific method and critical thinking illustrated that Happeh Theory was possibly the most insane platform ever announced by a creature capable of speech. Happeh further felt that:

"A person does not need permission from a nobel laureate on what they should think and believe. An independent person does not need the comfort of a written report backed by a corporation to give him the strength to believe what his own eyes show him."

Presumably, in the case of a Cyclops, this would just be the one eye (see below). It is not clear what an independent person would do when his eyes illustrated that Happeh Theory is utterly, utterly mad.

Happeh Theory (happeh.com), so far as interpretable from reconstructions of Happeh's SciForums posts and the bumps on redarmy11's head, may be broadly divided into several areas.

1. “Masturbatory stature syndrome (MSS)”

Masturbation being essentially the touchstone for the entire synthesis, Happeh Theory considered that masturbation and pornography were invented by Israel to weaken people into becoming slaves. Further along these lines he stated that masturbation was harmful to ones health, and one could recognise a masturbator by the direction in which he or she leaned. Amazingly, this was accompanied by Photoshopped “evidence” of models posing, or even of individuals merely standing innocuously about, along with insinuations about their probable moral stature.

Several overt and ridiculous causes were advanced to explain poor posture:

a) Excessive Masturbation

b) Excessive Sex

c) Excessive Physical exertion

d) Injection of Drugs

e) Snorting of Drugs

The clinical results of masturbation according to Happeh Theory were "heart attack, anxiety, asthma symptoms, bad posture, stomach problems [and] mental problems". Symptoms of MSS include tilted head and sloped stature towards the primary masturbatory hand (known outside academia as “leaning”), "big and small eye" (sometimes referred to by laymen as “squinting”) and atrophy of one side of the face (variously identifiable in the non-scientific community as a “wink”).

One concrete hypothesis that emerged from this element of Happeh theory was that the arm primarily used for masturbation becomes atrophied. Thankfully, this hypothesis has yet to be tested by anyone anywhere.

2. "Excessive Masturbation will cause the development of Homosexual Urges."

One of the more startlingly ludicrous claims of Happeh Theory is that excessive masturbation will lead to the development of homosexual feelings. In Happeh Theory, a young man who begins masturbating at a young age has a much higher chance of developing homosexual feelings that a young man who does not masturbate. The basis for this theory was postulated as the depletion of “man energy”.

The theory seems to have no predictions on what happens when women masturbate excessively, although most young men apparently have a high probability of considering it "hot".

Happeh Theory postulated that one of the reasons for the above - which, notably, is not the same thing as evidence - is that the young man is "pouring out his manliness or man energy onto the ground through masturbation. Because he is a man and needs man energy, he develops the urge for sex with men so he can take man energy from his male sexual partners."

Thankfully, this theory also is beyond testing, or rationality, or even grammar.

3. "Why people on different continents look similar"

Essentially a joint rejection of human migration and genetics, this aspect of Happeh Theory was not supported by even manipulated photographic evidence. It remains, like the workings of the rest of the Theory, a mystery. Happeh refused to discuss the theory any further when it occurred to him that the rest of the forum had realized that he was completely, utterly insane.

This idea may or may not have been submitted to "Anthropology" or "Scientific American". I'm guessing: nnnot.

4. “Sick spouses cause earlier death”

Reminiscent of Myuunian Logic, this theory was based on the incidental evidence that the stress associated with a dying spouse is evidence of an interconnected energy field between closely linked people.

"The reason the people die early is because their energy field is no longer complete. Part of it has died. If they are not strong enough to fill the holes in there energy, they will die too."

This claim by Happeh Theory is bizarrely argued by…wait for it…the assassination of John F Kennedy.

In the film, JFK is shot, and his wife Jackie turns around and looks as if she is reaching behind her. For some reason, Happeh seems to think that "the official explanation is that she was reaching for the part of JFK's head that had been blown off". The theory then postulates:

"What happened is that because they were man and wife, their energy was intertwined with each other…her physical body is reaching back for the exact physical location where JFK died. Her soul was still momentarily intertwined with his when he died, so she was pulled back to the spot where his soul left his body."

This aspect of Happeh Theory is considered by experts to clearly be the opinion of someone who has never been married and - hopefully - never will be.

5. "All Mythical creatures are based on human beings"

According to Happeh Theory, all mythical creatures – that is, those creatures that never existed and which were explainable by other, non-masturbatory phenomena - are descriptions of human beings such as Vampires, Cyclops and Satan. Among the madder suggestions of this part of Happeh Theory was:

’’Cyclops are people whose body has been ‘’’changed by masturbation or other causes so they behave as if they only have one eye’’’...Masturbation has the ability to change a person so their body type turns into the one that the Satan legends are based on.’’

It was not made clear if the above monocularism was the result of a missed spuge.

Thankfully, no evidence was ever illustrated to account for this appallingly bad idea.

6. "Egyptian Society is based on the worship of the human body"

According to Happeh Theory, Egyptian culture is about the worship of the human body, and ‘’human beings have a Pyramid inside of them’’.

According to Egyptian culture, Happeh Theory is a crock.

The Pyramids, in Happeh Theory, are apparently "a monument to a well developed superior human being". Presumably such a being would not masturbate. It is unknown – but fairly likely – that Egyptians did and do so, however.

HT also considers that:

"the Egyptians also built the Pyramids as a lesson for future generations as to what it means to be human. [Ed. note: ????] Unfortunately, the Egyptians could not have foreseen exactly how stupid future generations would be, nor could they know that evil people would purposefully promote false ideas as the reason for the construction of the pyramids"

Speechless. Just speechless. How is a simple angular structure like a human? No idea.

It is widely considered that the most surprised people about the real reason for the construction of the Pyramids would be those actually buried there.

Scientific evidence for Happeh Theory

None whatsoever. One recurring element of Happeh's overall synthesis when faced with criticism from conventional scientists and small children was that conventional scientists were deluded or completely fraudulent. A recurring theme is the admonishment for scientists to "open up their minds about Happeh theory", presumably so that their brains could fall out onto the pavement for further examination. Lopsided brains could then be compared with known masturbatory tendencies.

Happeh's argumentative thrust was that approved scientific method and critical thinking were inadmissable to the study of the Happeh Theory, since the theory originated with and had critically been thought out by him alone. Critical thinking applied to his Theory was usually derided as being excessively critical.

As the author of the theory himself admits:

"There are no studies that support Happeh Theory. There are no well known supporters of Happeh Theory. Many people use this as an excuse to discount the claims of Happeh Theory."

Happeh Theory is supported by such beings as Myuu, the Chief Leprechaun of Limerick, and Happeh's mum.

Quotable quotes

"Everyone says "Happeh. You are wrong because scientists say so".

"I can tell them why the people all look the same. I don't have 200 pages of proof. The answer is about 4 paragraphs. But I could blow it up with lots of fluff if I had to. Do they really need anything more?"

"Thats why I am a genius and you are not."

"masturbation is the leading cause of death due to AIDS"

"Boy do I own you!"

"Energy exists - whether you believe it or not"

"I am sister lotus. James R is the Chinese government."

SciForums fate

After roundly insulting James R, he was eventually banned, and possibly devoured by people with poor stature.

Happeh has been compared (unfavourably) to Karl Pilkington [1].

Amazingly, Happeh received one referral prior to banning. Please contact the authorities if you come in contact with this individual.

Trivia

• Happeh is adoringly worshipped by The Devil Inside, who tries to spread "Happeh-isms" whenever he can.
• The Devil Inside drinks Happeh's pee.
• Happeh may well be the dumbest person alive.