I’ve been the victim in an abusive relationship Jeeves, and abusers have their reasons as to why they are violent but they are responsible for their actions.
Nobody has disputed this. At least, not in law-enforcement - even though a disproportionate number of policeman are themselves abusive to some degree.
What I’ve learned is that there are red flags that occur in relationships before abuse begins,
Yes. That you can see it in retrospect doesn't change the past.
Discliamer: the following may or may not apply to your situation. It's an anonymous scenario, not a case study. It's not about what they
should do, or how
I feel about them; it's not about judgment. Just any old typical, common domestic battery, any era, any country.
The people involved rarely see the warning signs at the time when abuse can be prevented.
Usually, the abuser himself has no conscious awareness of his emerging problem - which is why I referred to a spontaneous act, which they regret ("I didn't mean it!!" is generally true that first time, maybe several times.) and which is usually forgiven by the victim. Typically, they develop a pattern: certain situations in which he loses his temper, lashes out, then repents, pleads, cries (very common), etc. and the victim laps up the guilty attention, enjoys being gracious. She sulks a little while - and forgives. But the episodes become more intense and the intervals grow shorter, and some other stuff is going on meanwhile - - like: she's gotten pregnant, given up/lost her job, is estranged from her parents who 'don't understand' that 'he's just under a lot of stress', is cut off from her friends who feel uncomfortable around the guy -- She's afraid and ashamed most of the time, but she also has moments of defiance, when she doesn't back down, maybe fights back, maybe even taunts him. By this time, his actions are deliberate, maybe premeditated, maybe anticipated. They both know what's going to happen, and what the triggers are - and that it can only keep getting worse.
But they're in a cycle that's very, very hard to break.
It takes a village, sure... but it also takes personal agency on the part of the abuser.
There is no way you, as an outsider, can affect his attitude. When he's beating on somebody (btw, the victim is sometimes an elder, very often children and even more often dogs), he's hating them, hating himself, hating the world: he's totally immersed in loathing and self-pity.
It's an inimitable adrenalin-high, and when he finally crashes is probably the only sound sleep he ever gets. As I mentioned, this pattern of behaviour is very commonly associated with alcohol or drug dependency, but the abuse itself is addictive. As with substances, the addict builds up a tolerance; it takes bigger doses to achieve the desired effect. And, as with substances, the addict learns strategies of deception, deflection, self-justification and obfuscation.
It takes a really powerful motive for him to change - to start fighting his demons instead of his dependents. Telling his what he should do is useless.
Locking him up would be useful if the prison environment were equipped to provide the motivation to change, a better coping strategy, reachable goals and help in developing insight, self-control, self-esteem and alternative behaviour patterns.
It also takes educating people on what abuse looks like and how to trust those very first gut reactions when how someone is treating you, feels wrong.
Be a good thing to include in high school curricula!
So, abusive men come from all walks of life, and fool those around them at first.
Certainly. There's probably a dozen in the White House this minute. Two of them are secret service, one is a maintenance engineer, one is president.
