Okay .. this was supposed to be shorter, but there you go
IdiotSavant--
1) Honestly? At least
act disinterested. The women most ... likely to respond to my charms respond as such because the charms aren't directed at them. As long as you're slathering platitudes and witticisms
unto them, a certain part of every person's need for security and attention is fulfilled.
Consider having drinks at a bar with several of your friends. If you continue to balance your conversation 'twixt all of your associates, the charm will become apparent, and perhaps desired. If you're just giving it away to one person, what need has that person to make any effort? As shallow as it sounds, I've discovered that women will, in some cases, pursue a viable charm merely because they aren't the focus of it. Let me disclaim, though, that in relation to my own personality, these are generally not women on my "committed" list. I'm all up for a good lay, mind you, but I just can't figure out the nature of the one-night stand. Apparently you have to lie about your name, or something, because it truly does become an emotional mess for at least one party, and usually both. I've rejected the notion of the one-nighter because I've never successfully pulled it off. The best I've managed is a 1-week affair; the worst a five-year relationship in which we both continually made each other miserable.
So what will happen is that a woman will approach in an attempt to get to know the person behind that flashing charm; if you both happen to be genuine people at that moment, the potential is limitless.
Let me make yet another disclaimer: I have never "successfully" accomplished what I have just described (botched one-nighters, yeah, those were real). But the whole point is that two people who put up fronts to impress each other are invariably disappointed in each other. Be yourself, as the cliche goes, but for heaven's sake, don't aim it at the object of your desire exclusively.
2) I second Wet's notion that you might wish to reevaluate the terms of your friendships. A few notes.
* J took S's girlfriend. This set a precedent among my friends that this is acceptable.
* S took one of my girlfriends; it takes two to tango, and it really does suck to wake up to find your girlfriend shagging one of your closest friends on the floor ten feet away. C'est la vie.
* I reconciled with S shortly thereafter because the woman dumped him for yet another of our friends.
* By that time, J had paid the emotional price for taking S's girlfriend; the woman was psychotic.
* I have taken a friend's
wife before ... bad, bad idea. I paid for this with five years of mutal misery aforementioned. We treated each other as poorly as we treated her husband (G).
The strange thing is that before G faded off into obscurity, he didn't seem to mind; it's not like nobody knew what was going on. S and J were back on good terms almost immediately because S saw J paying for his betrayal by having to handle a psychotic woman. S and I eventually reconciled when the woman left him for our other friend T, who would eventually ruin his life knocking her up and undertaking a devastating meth addiction to numb the misery. Last I saw that woman, she had left T with the kids for some other guy. However, J and T have a place together with another friend of ours, whose girlfriend ... well, that particular orgy was brought to me courtesy of G's wife.
In the end, none of the women are around anymore, and we still get along. On the one hand, yes, re-evaluate your friendships. To the other, whenever we come across each other, there are no hard feelings, and it's largely a matter of geography and schedules that keeps us from more frequent carousing together. The moral of the story is that it's not worth losing your friends over a woman.
Yet another disclaimer: I despise marriage. Not that I haven't learned my lesson about tampering with it (some of my friends think it's about to become an issue again, but it's difficult to explain that situation, since what I crave about this woman has nothing to do with sex). But the fact remains that the women have moved on with their lives, and we're still all civil to each other at least.
Are your friends really your friends? An equal consideration is whether or not the woman was "worth it". (I cite the five years of mutual misery to define the term
worth it; no, it was not worth the orgasms, and there was little spiritual bond for that period whatsoever.) Personally, my friends and I still seem to love each other as much as before the whole mess, so there's that (Can't speak for G; haven't heard from him, but we remained civil and more in each others' presence, and it has been related to me that he eventually expressed that he felt better now that someone had taken his wife off his hands.)
If there's anything this soap opera can teach, it's point 3.
3) You may be "trying too hard" in general. One should not look for a life mate; one should definitely troll for a good lay, but that's not a life commitment, is it?
Do you require another person in your life to make your own self complete? Sure, you might feel more whole; that's the current issue that my immediate circle may be misinterpreting. A married woman can create the sensation of wholeness in me without sex, and without refocusing herself onto me; of course, this isn't a sustained sensation, and the state of mind it produces is more addictive than any drug I've ever used. So the question I ask is
What am I lacking that she gives me? (In my case, those close to me point to mother-issues, which is kind of a scary thing to bring up in this conversation, but there you go.)
Your life mate may be out there or not; I figure, for myself, that person will eventually show up or not. I haven't all the answers to reality, so I'm left wondering whether or not
anyone can fill that role, and also whether or not that role is really necessary.
But as dumb as it sounds, be yourself; you cannot win your life mate with deception. In fact, that's a bad way of putting it: your life mate cannot be won. Human beings are not prizes, but I'm leaving this paragraph as it is to demonstrate the point. (Or something like that.)
4) Why do I despise marriage? So two people who put up their impressive fronts come together, are bedazzled, and get married. Suddenly, with nothing left to win, they become "their own selves". If I'm critical of wives it's because the society I live in raises women to be wives and mothers, and that creates an odd state: the most brilliant and giving men I know can be crushed by marriage because they are constantly trying to keep the wife happy. It should be said that this works both ways, but again, it seems that my society breeds women to be wives and mothers: the primary benefit of my last five-year relationship, it seems, is that, aside from regular sexual intercourse (note I did not say sexual "satisfaction"), she was so scared of "losing" me that, well ... yeah, she did once say she would cook and clean and be my wife if I would only
blah blah blah and she never figured out that, as nice as the meal and room service is, that's not what I want in a wife or girlfriend; if I am that well served, I would hope to be paying someone cash to cook and clean for me while my life mate and I do things more important to our happiness.
So don't compromise; don't try to impress a woman who isn't your ideal simply because it's getting frustrating. It will be more frustrating later if you do.
I wish it was as simple as
smoke a bowl, grin broadly, and be yourself, but, as you can tell, that hasn't worked well for me.
If you can make heads and tails of any of this, congratulations; I can't. But I figured it worth vomiting into a post because it might, somehow, become useful to someone else.
If you're pursuing it, that also implies that it is eluding you.
thanx, and good luck,
Tiassa
