Is it me or is this site in its death throes?

sometimes, you can know something as fact technically yet have no way to prove it. it is a strange conundrum. for instance, there was a time in my life when i was having quite a few visions of my future and at the time, i actually did think this was my imagination until it actually occurred years later. now, if it was some general metaphor or idea, then that would be explainable but it was explicit and specific down to what people were wearing, doing etc and down to the last detail.

what does that mean for me? that i actually know that pre-destiny is possible as well as the concept of free-will (to the fullest extent) is questionable and that the future may already be in place yet we haven't arrived there yet. yet i have had these experiences and science thinks it's bunk. so i looked into the occult because where could i turn to find out how and what the heck and why? what am i supposed to do?

what people don't appreciate is what if you were in that position to have that experience, do we deny it and lie to ourselves? with some of it i could but not with certain ones. for instance, at around this time i had a dream of being in a movie theatre and i was alone in it for some reason and there was a certain scene in that movie i was watching. fast forward years later and i saw that scene (scene was exact except for of course there were people in the theatre with me) and it was a movie that i went to see over 20 times because it blew my mind as i saw that years before in that dream yet i can't understand the rhyme or reason or the significance except maybe the universe is playing with me and giving me peeks because it's amusing??! then when i tried to connect the pieces, i realized that it was around this time that a certain major turning point was occuring in my life or a significant life change. and this is all coincidence, again? also, around this time i was experiencing quite a lot of it, some of it was positive and some of it was negative and then it stopped but years later they all happened yet science would say this is all not real but i 'know' it is because i experienced it and it came to actual manifestation exactly! there are more mysteries in the way the universe works than science knows yet and instead of being at least curious to the possibility, they rather block that idea. it's not an idea though because i actually know but i can't prove it. the only proof is anecdotal but i experienced the evidence and it was not my interpretation, it was literal!

the only thing that gave me any clues was with the occult and astrology. my natal chart is unusual or more rare and that it has many aspects that point to attracting the paranormal. most people just statistically might have one or none but my chart is laden with ALL of them? can this be a coincidence? i even have two ascendants (most people have one) as well as almost all planets being on cusp, neptune in twelfth house (again paranormal/psychic attunement) and stellium considered again, attracting paranormal. that stellium is considered a powerful focal point that can penetrate the veil or layers of reality or what we consider reality or vice versa. this isn't something that can be done at will, it just seems to be subconscious. this is not about matter as we define it though. it's like matter that exists simultaneously but of a different property. most charts are not aligned that way. i also have neptune in scorpio in 8th house. even others with that aspect alone have blatantly said they saw apparitions like i did. they were also trying to figure out what was going on. these are just some of it but there are more than usual in my chart. my chart is described as having one foot in this dimension and the other foot in the other or like between a gateway between the divine/paranormal and humans. and this is coincidence? my saturn also conjuncts both my ascendants and that aspect alone is described as someone who did not want to incarnate into this realm and that is exactly something i remember too as a young child by feeling 'different' in some way. it's like i was homesick from being here in a strange land. yes, existing in this universe as if i'm from somewhere else (i don't mean the human flesh part, of course). i have seen things that have happened in the future several times and yet i would be laughed out the room if i told anyone but what am i supposed to do, pretend i'm imagining it? if it was my imagination, it would be easy to dismiss it except it comes to PASS!! then i can't, can i? so science would rather me pretend it's not real just because they can't get a grasp on it yet or don't know what it is or the mechanics behind it.

if i were a scientist, i wouldn't be cynical or even see these anecdotes as wearisome drivel but actually be highly curious and fascinated about the possibility that there is a whole other dimension of reality yet to be discovered.

Birch , it is we , us , that understands , you are not alone .
I guess what I got most out of your post is that you do not know how to capitalize.

No, what you should have gotten out of it is that there are forces or powers beyond our control, for good or worse. but there is no practical reason to know these things such as what if the future is already in place or some things we cant change by seeing into the future. It would make us fatalistic and not even try against all obstacles or chance. The only reason i think i was shown this pertaining to my life was the fact that i was being undermined, abused and sabotaged and on a one-way hellish train that i could not get off of except death. Some people are just dealt a terrible hand and a lot of my sense of failure, low self-esteem and self-criticism was unfair and harsh toward myself for which i had no control.
Some people are just dealt a terrible hand and a lot of my sense of failure, low self-esteem and self-criticism was unfair and harsh toward myself for which i had no control.

Good news is... the hand you happen to hold seems to be leadin you toward realizin that you can cut back on the self-criticism cause thers plenty of others to do that for you.!!!
Some people are just dealt a terrible hand and a lot of my sense of failure, low self-esteem and self-criticism was unfair and harsh toward myself for which i had no control.
After confessing my own fears and self-criticism on childhood experiences, and blaming my current behavior on it, a wise woman pointed out to me that that certainly controlled who I was then - but it does not have to control who I am from now on.

You already know that it isn't your fault: you know you were dealt a bad hand. So your low self-esteem is unwarranted. Right?