Hey guys...need some relationship advice...

[Thoreau]

First and foremost, it's rather ironic that I'm posting this. It was about 10 years ago on this same forum that I posted something similar during my last relationship. But, in the end, I took you guys' advice and it all worked out. Thus, here I am again...

Well, my boyfriend and I have been together for just over nine months now. I love him a lot, truly. And there's literally no doubt in my mind that he loves me too. So, whatever your response might be, don't let his loyalty and faithfulness to me be a concern...because it's not. About a month or so ago, I brought up the idea of us potentially moving in together in about a year (a year from about now) when I transfer to my next school. I figured it would be perfect timing for both me and our relationship since I will be going to school about 45 minutes away, he's still living with his parents (at 29 years old), and thus it would be good for him to make that break and for me by both having him closer (physically and emotionally) and helping me financially by sharing some of the bills. I figure that because we will have been together for approaching 2 years at that point, it's perfect timing in a relationship to take that next step.

So, yeah....seems like a perfect timing all around, right?

Well, when I brought it up, he got a complete deer-in-headlights look on his face. After trying to discuss this over the past few months, it became evident that he has some STONG opposition to long term-commitment (in regards to future plans). While he wants to be in a relationship with me in the future, he doesn't see him being ready to move in together 5-8 years at MINIMUM, if ever (his words). Any talk of marriage is not even a possibility. Essentially, he wants for the next many years of his life what we have now--seeing each other a few times a week, doing things together, having sex, etc, but not with any plans or growth.

For me, that's a big problem. I don't want to be stuck in the dating phase of our relationship for that long. I'm already ready to make that next step (moving in together) and, after two years, think it would be perfect timing. But he has literally no future goals for our relationship that symbolize us growing together. He wants to be with me, for sure. But just as we are now. And I.........I can't do that.

We have talked about this a LOT lately, and I'm torn because I don't want to leave him but I also don't want to be stuck in a stagnant relationship that doesn't feel like it's ever going to evolve into anything more. I don't know what to do.

I guess I'm posting this because I'm hoping that someone somewhere will have some great third party advice that may either help me or him better understand the current situation, or at least what either one of us should do about it.

 

[Michael 345]

Go

Go NOW

I could spend ½ hour tapping out reasons (I'm a slow tapper) but I'm sure others will do that

That's fine but you asked for advice not reasons

The reasons should be yours and I'm sure you have thought about and already have reasons

Advice - Go - Go NOW



PS Do Not Make Going A Threat To 'Move In Together Or I'm Leaving'

Get everything ready
Leave
Call back and explain where you are
Don't go back

Best of luck

 

[The God]

Can you GO?
Stay is not an option at all for you. A kid at 29 staying with his parents cannot make up his mind, that's his problem. 7-8 years is just stray figures thrown by him, it could be tmro and it could be never.

So work it out, talk to his parents. Even then he insists for 7-8 years then you know what to do..

 

[Kittamaru]

First and foremost, it's rather ironic that I'm posting this. It was about 10 years ago on this same forum that I posted something similar during my last relationship. But, in the end, I took you guys' advice and it all worked out. Thus, here I am again...

Well, my boyfriend and I have been together for just over nine months now. I love him a lot, truly. And there's literally no doubt in my mind that he loves me too. So, whatever your response might be, don't let his loyalty and faithfulness to me be a concern...because it's not. About a month or so ago, I brought up the idea of us potentially moving in together in about a year (a year from about now) when I transfer to my next school. I figured it would be perfect timing for both me and our relationship since I will be going to school about 45 minutes away, he's still living with his parents (at 29 years old), and thus it would be good for him to make that break and for me by both having him closer (physically and emotionally) and helping me financially by sharing some of the bills. I figure that because we will have been together for approaching 2 years at that point, it's perfect timing in a relationship to take that next step.

So, yeah....seems like a perfect timing all around, right?

Well, when I brought it up, he got a complete deer-in-headlights look on his face. After trying to discuss this over the past few months, it became evident that he has some STONG opposition to long term-commitment (in regards to future plans). While he wants to be in a relationship with me in the future, he doesn't see him being ready to move in together 5-8 years at MINIMUM, if ever (his words). Any talk of marriage is not even a possibility. Essentially, he wants for the next many years of his life what we have now--seeing each other a few times a week, doing things together, having sex, etc, but not with any plans or growth.

For me, that's a big problem. I don't want to be stuck in the dating phase of our relationship for that long. I'm already ready to make that next step (moving in together) and, after two years, think it would be perfect timing. But he has literally no future goals for our relationship that symbolize us growing together. He wants to be with me, for sure. But just as we are now. And I.........I can't do that.

We have talked about this a LOT lately, and I'm torn because I don't want to leave him but I also don't want to be stuck in a stagnant relationship that doesn't feel like it's ever going to evolve into anything more. I don't know what to do.

I guess I'm posting this because I'm hoping that someone somewhere will have some great third party advice that may either help me or him better understand the current situation, or at least what either one of us should do about it.

It sounds like, simply put, he isn't ready/willing to commit to much of anything - if you can live with that, stay with him. If you want commitment, then it seems he isn't the one for you.

One option that is available, though society tends to "frown upon", is polyamory - if the two of you are content to be "close friends with benefits" but not be exclusive to one another, you could always find another to be with in a committed relationship (so long as they are OK with an open relationship) - I have a few acquaintances that are in 3 or more person relationships (one is, I believe, 4 or 5 adults total? They have kids, they all take part in raising said kids, and in general are extremely loving and happy families. I readily admit - such a scenario isn't for my wife and I, but I harbor no ill effects towards those who find it an option.

Best of luck in whatever you decide!

 

[Thoreau]

Go

Go NOW

I could spend ½ hour tapping out reasons (I'm a slow tapper) but I'm sure others will do that

That's fine but you asked for advice not reasons

The reasons should be yours and I'm sure you have thought about and already have reasons

Advice - Go - Go NOW



PS Do Not Make Going A Threat To 'Move In Together Or I'm Leaving'

Get everything ready
Leave
Call back and explain where you are
Don't go back

Best of luck

Yeah, but how do you leave someone that is otherwise perfect?

It sounds like, simply put, he isn't ready/willing to commit to much of anything - if you can live with that, stay with him. If you want commitment, then it seems he isn't the one for you.

One option that is available, though society tends to "frown upon", is polyamory - if the two of you are content to be "close friends with benefits" but not be exclusive to one another, you could always find another to be with in a committed relationship (so long as they are OK with an open relationship) - I have a few acquaintances that are in 3 or more person relationships (one is, I believe, 4 or 5 adults total? They have kids, they all take part in raising said kids, and in general are extremely loving and happy families. I readily admit - such a scenario isn't for my wife and I, but I harbor no ill effects towards those who find it an option.

Best of luck in whatever you decide!

Thanks for the tips. Yeah, polygamy is off the table for the both of us. We are both far too monogamous to be able to do something like that.

Can you GO?
Stay is not an option at all for you. A kid at 29 staying with his parents cannot make up his mind, that's his problem. 7-8 years is just stray figures thrown by him, it could be tmro and it could be never.

So work it out, talk to his parents. Even then he insists for 7-8 years then you know what to do..

Thanks. We talked about it some more since this post, and he's made it clear that moving in will "never happen"....not with me or anyone else.

 

[Kittamaru]

Yeah, but how do you leave someone that is otherwise perfect?

The honest truth - nobody is perfect. My wife and I are as perfect for one another as can be, but we are not "perfect" - we have our flaws, we have our arguments, and we have our little habits that drive the other person insane. At the end of the day, though, it isn't just that we love each other - we work for and with one another and serve one another. We compromise, we make little gestures, and we are pushing towards the same goals.

Without that... even a "perfect" relationship will fail - if one person in the relationship isn't having their needs met, they will, over time, become bitter or jealous or angry, and the relationship will falter. It is just a piece of the human nature, so to speak. As much as it sucks to say, it sounds like he isn't ready (and may never be ready) to establish that long term, permanent, relationship with you.

If you have had any indication that may change in the future (I don't know how old the two of you are - but in late teens to early twenties, the idea of marriage can be incredibly scary for a guy, especially one that is just coming into their own identity and starting to make their own "place" in the world) then it may be worthwhile to "tough it out" and wait. If he is honest and earnest about it never happening... then I would say it may be time to move on.

 

[Thoreau]

The honest truth - nobody is perfect. My wife and I are as perfect for one another as can be, but we are not "perfect" - we have our flaws, we have our arguments, and we have our little habits that drive the other person insane. At the end of the day, though, it isn't just that we love each other - we work for and with one another and serve one another. We compromise, we make little gestures, and we are pushing towards the same goals.

Without that... even a "perfect" relationship will fail - if one person in the relationship isn't having their needs met, they will, over time, become bitter or jealous or angry, and the relationship will falter. It is just a piece of the human nature, so to speak. As much as it sucks to say, it sounds like he isn't ready (and may never be ready) to establish that long term, permanent, relationship with you.

If you have had any indication that may change in the future (I don't know how old the two of you are - but in late teens to early twenties, the idea of marriage can be incredibly scary for a guy, especially one that is just coming into their own identity and starting to make their own "place" in the world) then it may be worthwhile to "tough it out" and wait. If he is honest and earnest about it never happening... then I would say it may be time to move on.

Thanks. To answer the indirect question, I'm 32 and he's 29.

 

[sculptor]

anecdote:
My current wife "wasn't ready" for me to move in with her(I was on my 5th university, and my apartment had burned, the term was starting in 3 days, and I needed a place to sleep and study) but she let me do so anyway(we were both in our 30s). Then, she "wasn't ready" for us to buy a house together, but she did it anyway. Then she "wasn't ready" to get married and have children, but she did it anyway.
38 years later, we're still together.
Sometimes, words are used as a delaying defense mechanisms . While actions tell the real story.

.........................
"lead, follow, or get out of the way"

 

[Michael 345]

Yeah, but how do you leave someone that is otherwise perfect?

Personally I would not jump or crash through a window

Doors I find useful. Check which way they open, towards you or away, and use accordingly. Check that he is not following you

Sorry to be a little flippant but in truth you sound to me more about keeping him as a security blanket and not willing to go to the supermarket and look at what ever other comforters are available off the shelf

Truly wish you well what ever you decide

 

[spidergoat]

Moving in together is just symbolic. If you love the guy, it doesn't matter. Sooner or later he will realize that living with his parents sucks. Maybe you can covertly drive a wedge between them? Like, get him arrested or something they wouldn't like. Not anything too serious though, conjugal visits are worse than parent's house sex.

 

[Thoreau]

Moving in together is just symbolic. If you love the guy, it doesn't matter. Sooner or later he will realize that living with his parents sucks. Maybe you can covertly drive a wedge between them? Like, get him arrested or something they wouldn't like. Not anything too serious though, conjugal visits are worse than parent's house sex.

LOL! Oh, Spidey. How I've missed you.

 

[Bowser]

I guess I'm posting this because I'm hoping that someone somewhere will have some great third party advice that may either help me or him better understand the current situation, or at least what either one of us should do about it.

My wife and I lived together for several years before getting married. It's probably the best way to test a relationship. Maybe he is concerned moving together might damage the relationship.

 

[DaveC426913]

My wife and I lived together for several years before getting married. It's probably the best way to test a relationship.

The best way to test a relationship is to live together for several years with her children in the mix.

 

[exchemist]

Thanks. To answer the indirect question, I'm 32 and he's 29.

At that age I think he ought to be more mature. Either that or he is really saying you are not the one for him, though he doesn't want to hurt you by saying so out right.

And for you the body clock is ticking.

I'd drop him and find someone else. He may be otherwise perfect but you risk wishing your life away. I speak as a man with a guilty conscience in this respect: I wasted the time of a few women when I was around his age. Eventually I realised what I was doing and stopped getting into relationships I knew would go nowhere in the end. And then finally I met someone I really did want to marry...and we did.

 

[Bowser]

The best way to test a relationship is to live together for several years with her children in the mix.

Kids grow up and move away. You're still with each other when they are gone. There are also unnkown variables that pop up as people grow older. Menopause, mid-life crisis, just to name a few. You need a strong relationship to weather through the rain that always seems on the horizon.

 

[DaveC426913]

And for you the body clock is ticking.

That's kiiiinda sexist there.

 

[DaveC426913]

Kids grow up and move away.

We were talking about testing a relationship. A new relationship that has that kind of responsibility attached is going to be tested, quickly, and often.

"Testing" a relationship once it's got a quarter of a century under its belt is kinda closing the barn door after the horse has left.

 

[Michael 345]

That's kiiiinda sexist there.

Kiiiinda realistic unless you have no problem undergoing IVF like this couple

 

[DaveC426913]

Kiiiinda realistic unless you have no problem undergoing IVF like this couple

It is sexist to imply that body clocks are a woman thing.

 

[Bowser]

We were talking about testing a relationship. A new relationship that has that kind of responsibility attached is going to be tested, quickly, and often.

"Testing" a relationship once it's got a quarter of a century under its belt is kinda closing the barn door after the horse has left.

A relationship is always under the gun. Yeah, living together for a few years will give you a good idea about its potential, more so when children are added to the mix. I think after several years a sense of devotion sets into the relationship, which makes it harder to break.