Would you let your wife have guy friends?

Discussion in 'Ethics, Morality, & Justice' started by pineapplepizza, Jan 31, 2009.

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  1. Orleander

    Orleander OH JOY!!!! Valued Senior Member

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    why would you care if a guy wanted to? Don't they all want to? If she is 100% trustworthy, why would her having guy friends be an issue?
     
    Orleander, Feb 3, 2009
    #41

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  3. mikenostic

    mikenostic Stop pretending you're smart! Registered Senior Member

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    Wanting to is one thing. Actually putting forth the effort, following through and acting on it is another.

    There are guys out there (like me) that are nice and polite to women just because they are nice and polite. But there are guys out there that are nice to women for the sole purpose of getting laid.

    As for why I care. If a guy is hitting on or schmoozing on my woman, knowing full well she is taken, and ESPECIALLY if he knows that I'm dating her, I take that as blatant disrespect and will respond accordingly.

    How would you act towards a guy that was acting in the same exact fashion that I mention above, towards one of your daughters;
    you could see right through him, knowing full well he was only being nice to her to get in her drawers. But you trust your daughter, right? She's allowed to have guy friends, isn't she?
     
    mikenostic, Feb 3, 2009
    #42

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  5. John99

    John99 Banned Banned

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    Mike, believe it or not but women dont really see this and they can have male friends but the vast majority of the time you are absolutely correct on the male perspective. Probably in the 90% percentile region.
     
    John99, Feb 3, 2009
    #43

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  7. mikenostic

    mikenostic Stop pretending you're smart! Registered Senior Member

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    Not that your statement isn't true, but it would seem to contradict 'woman's intuition' now, wouldn't it?

    So I can conclude that either...women do in fact know when a guy is trying to befriend her for the wrong reason, or 'woman's intuition' is nothing but a bullshit myth. Which one is it, ladies?
     
    mikenostic, Feb 3, 2009
    #44
  8. Orleander

    Orleander OH JOY!!!! Valued Senior Member

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    or we just know that all men want to get laid and we just don't care. As long as he doesn't act on it, we can stay friends. Its that easy.
     
    Orleander, Feb 3, 2009
    #45
  9. cosmictraveler

    cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    But the temptation is always there especially when you have a male boss at work and you need a raise.

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    cosmictraveler, Feb 3, 2009
    #46
  10. Orleander

    Orleander OH JOY!!!! Valued Senior Member

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    Yeah, good point. My husband was my boss.

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    Orleander, Feb 3, 2009
    #47
  11. cosmictraveler

    cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    You are a lucky person then. Most women aren't in your position and that's when temptation comes into focus.

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    cosmictraveler, Feb 3, 2009
    #48
  12. Orleander

    Orleander OH JOY!!!! Valued Senior Member

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    Umm, he was my boss years before he was my husband. :shy:
     
    Orleander, Feb 3, 2009
    #49
  13. shorty_37

    shorty_37 Go! Canada Go! Registered Senior Member

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    Sure if you are some kind of whore. :bugeye:

    I grew up with mostly male friends. I never had sex with any of them. When I started dating though, one got really jealous and started acting all weird.
    Then one day he crossed the line and kissed me. After that things were never the same between us again. Shame really because we hung out and had a lot of fun together.

    I think it is funny though, how everybody here denies having one jealous bone in their body.

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    I don't believe it for a minute.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2009
    shorty_37, Feb 3, 2009
    #50
  14. chris4355

    chris4355 Registered Senior Member

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    personal experience with some girl i was with...

    i really did not care when she hung out with her unattractive depressed guy friend, but i never liked the idea of her hanging out with another guy i didnt know, or a guy who would actually have a chance with her...

    i think she did hang out with guys a couple of times here and there and i trusted her, but i still did not like it.

    i think telling a woman she cannot have male friends or hang out with male friends is somewhat rude, because its essentially saying you do not trust them.

    and usually when you don't trust someone in time they will no longer care about being honest.
     
    chris4355, Feb 4, 2009
    #51
  15. Bells

    Bells Staff Member

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    Of course women usually know when a man is trying to befriend her "for the wrong reasons". It is usually very obvious. The same applies for women who befriend men for "the wrong reasons". It is up to her to not act on it and to tell the male friend to back off and that nothing was going to happen. And if you don't trust her to do that, then walk away basically. I have male friends who hit on me and I told my husband. He laughed it off. Why? Because he knows he can trust me to not act on it or take up their offer and he trusts me enough to know that I would tell said male friends that not only was I not interested, but that I was in a happy and fulfilling relationship and if they didn't respect that, then they didn't respect me as an individual and my choices in life.. Hell, one friend did it right while my husband (was my boyfriend back then) was standing right next to me (he told me that I would be happier with him and that my husband was the wrong man for me, etc). I didn't even have to look at my husband to see if he was angry. He was angry because of the manner in which my friend did it.. it wasn't a funny come on, it was a direct insult to him and to me, as well as our relationship. But he didn't have to say or mention anything to me about it. I told said friend to forget it and to have some respect for me and to not be so insulting to myself and my partner.. Since he could not, we ceased to be friends. Not because my husband was upset. But because I could never be a friend to someone who disrespected me in such a fashion as to question my choice in who made me happy in such a way.

    You'd have to trust your "woman" enough to believe that she would not act on it, wouldn't you? Lets face it, your "woman" would probably be hit on occasionally by her male acquaintances and by complete strangers. Does that mean you will hate all males in the near vicinity because they pose a risk to you and your relationship? Of course not.

    It all comes down to trust. Do you trust your partner enough? Do you trust that your partner is loyal to you and to your relationship? If there is doubt, then the relationship is pretty much doomed, because every man she speaks to, you'll start to wonder.. If she has to work back late, you'll be curious.. if she has a male co-worker, you'll be curious and doubtful.

    I would trust my daughter to do the right thing. Just as you should trust your partner enough to do the right thing.
     
    Bells, Feb 4, 2009
    #52
  16. John99

    John99 Banned Banned

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    interesting BELLS.

    although i believe this is the smoking gun, the elephant in the room:

    as per Chris5432-

    in other words good looking and or successful.

    and that...THAT is IT in a nutshell. You hit the nail right on the head with that one.
     
    John99, Feb 4, 2009
    #53
  17. John99

    John99 Banned Banned

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    i also believe this is very hard to admit.
     
    John99, Feb 4, 2009
    #54
  18. ancientregime

    ancientregime Banned Banned

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    Many people just don't understand unconditional love. No control. Let nature decide, not some irrational moral expectation.

    If you love her, let her do what she wants. If you don't like it their are three options: try to control her, leave her or accept it.

    If you try to control her, you are making someone do something against their will. Don't you actually want someone who really wants you?

    If you leave her, maybe you'll find that dream woman out there probably not. Good luck on controlling the next woman!

    If you accept it, at least you got some love. Some is better than none. And, why not expand your horizons too and both put jealously aside?
     
    ancientregime, Feb 4, 2009
    #55
  19. John99

    John99 Banned Banned

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    It is understandable. Though women are reticent to admit it.
     
    John99, Feb 4, 2009
    #56
  20. mikenostic

    mikenostic Stop pretending you're smart! Registered Senior Member

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    That would be believable coming from any woman but you, Orly.

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    But then again, the bold statement does sound like it would come from an arrogant, presumptuous bitch such as yourself.


    Sounds like your buddy didn't read the signs before he made his move.


    Not me. Although when I get that way, I don't act like your buddy. I he were me and I knew you weren't interested, I wouldnt' act mad or throw a hissy fit or anything like that. I'd probably just stop calling and go my own separate way. Likewise I refuse to settle for being friends with a woman who won't date me.
    Partly because I deserve better, partly because if she doesn't want my companionship, she doesn't get my friendship. And partly because I see the statement, '...but we can be friends' as a slap in the face.

    Bells, it's not those guys I'm worried about. It's the ones that continue to hit on her. Her: Sorry. I'm taken. Him: Your man doesn't have to know.
    Stuff like that. And when it gets to that point, it's not her that would have the problem with. It's the other guy.

    You just proved my point on that subject. I would find something like that just as disrespecful to me as you do.
    In fact, had that been me standing there, I don't think I could have kept from laying into him verbally (and physically if he kept on). Kudos to your husband for excercising restraint in a situation that I would not have.
    And I would have laid into him because he was disrespecting me, not so much because he was disrespecting you(or my s.o. rather); it's not that I wouldn't be mad because he was disrespecting you too, but I know that in those situations, you could handle yourself and wouldn't need a guy to come to your rescue.
    For example, I wouldnt' be near as angry if a guy hit on my girl when I wasn't around, even if he knew I was dating her. But there is no way that I would sit there and let some guy(that knew she was my girl) hit on my girl with me standing right there.

    Many people just don't understand unconditional love. No control. Let nature decide, not some irrational moral expectation.

    If you love her, let her do what she wants. If you don't like it their are three options: try to control her, leave her or accept it.

    If you try to control her, you are making someone do something against their will. Don't you actually want someone who really wants you?

    If you leave her, maybe you'll find that dream woman out there probably not. Good luck on controlling the next woman!

    If you accept it, at least you got some love. Some is better than none. And, why not expand your horizons too and both put jealously aside?

    Regime,
    I agree with every part of your statement, especially the three options. It doesn't get any simpler than that.
    However, the bold statement I don't fully agree with, but only out of personal preference.
    With nothing else added, 'some love is better than none' is true. However, allow me to counter with, 'there are worse things than being alone'

    The older I get, the more set in my ways I become. I also can be pretty stubborn sometimes. I'll admit there are quite a few things about me and my mentality that any woman I date is going to have to work around. If she can't, then we can't date.
    I also know what I deserve and am rarely inclined to settle. Does that increase my chances of dying a lonely old man? You bet your ass it does. But I'd much rather be alone than be with someone I had to settle for.
    Here's my preference:
    1. being in a relationship with a compatible woman
    2. being alone and possibly dying lonely
    3. being in a relationship with a woman I had to settle for
     
    mikenostic, Feb 4, 2009
    #57
  21. Orleander

    Orleander OH JOY!!!! Valued Senior Member

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    You ass. I didn't say "all men want to have sex with me" I said "all men want to get laid."

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    I swear, you are the most emotional man I know.
     
    Orleander, Feb 4, 2009
    #58
  22. Orleander

    Orleander OH JOY!!!! Valued Senior Member

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    I like that statement. :bravo:
    kinda like "if you don't trust me, I might as well give you a reason not to" ??
     
    Orleander, Feb 4, 2009
    #59
  23. Bells

    Bells Staff Member

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    It still comes down to trust though. If she loves you enough, she won't care that the other man hitting on her is successful. She'll just either ignore it or tell the other individual to go away and stop. Any other guy has the potential to be successful. It is up to her to decide whether she wants him to be successful with her or not. And again, you need to trust her to know that she the other guy will fail right from the get go.

    My husband knows me well enough to know that I would never stay silent with something like that. And he trusts me to always do the right thing.. So he didn't have to say anything. Except when buying a new lounge suite.. then noooo.. he needs to go and plant his backside and give his opinion.

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    Of course my husband knew that my then friend was disrespecting him as an individual and as my boyfriend (we weren't yet married and had just moved in together). But he respected himself more than to get into an argument with another man who was, quite clearly, beneath him in the manner in which he acted. He didn't want to lower himself to trading insults. Since this guy was my friend and had been my friend for years, I told him to naff off (so to speak) and in doing so, sent a clear message to him and to my husband.

    But there's nothing you can do about it, is there? You can't prevent it from happening. You can only react after the fact. You can do the whole "I'm the man" thing and beat him up or abuse him, but that just lowers you to his level. After all, what kind of person does something like hit on a woman who is taken while her partner is right there next to her? She should do the right thing and refuse and tell the individual to walk away. The put down is more painful from the woman he's trying to hit on than her partner balking or exploding.. Guys who do stuff like that want the confrontation.. they think have something to prove. I think it's best to deny them that kind of gratification.

    I also think that is a two way street. There will be some things with her that you will have to work around. Both need to compromise and both need to accept the other as they are.

    You take the package as it is and work around it.. you don't try to change who the person is.

    You should never settle.

    I fully agree with you.


    Look, we are all different and would all react differently to that kind of thing. At the end of the day, if you can't trust her to do the right thing, then that proves that there are bigger issues in the relationship that needs to be dealt with.
     
    Bells, Feb 4, 2009
    #60
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