The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A: They left the plunger in the toilet.

Q: Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard.
A. Neither did she!

 

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An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

 

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Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

St Peter: "Not likely!"

Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on. St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

Jesus: "Bugger off!"

Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God. Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."

God: "Tell him to get lost!"

Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."

God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"

 

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What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?

Having to go to bed at seven o'clock.

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A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three men are in the room.

He asks the first man, who replies: "I hold a porno mag."

The second says: "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net."

The third says: "I hold a sponge."

The researcher, startled, says: "why a sponge?"

"Well, I've got to use something to bathe the kids."

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Q. Difference between a black man, and a park bench?

A. The park bench can support a family.

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or.....

Q. whats the difference between a black man and a pizza?

a pizza can feed a family of four..

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What do you do after you’ve raped a deaf and dumb girl?....
.
.
.
.
Break her fingers so she can’t tell her mum!!

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What do you say to a black man in uniform?
"I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a coke."

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How do you starve a nigger?
Hide his dole check under his work boots.
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What do you say when you see your T.V. floating around at night?
"Drop it nigger."

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What do you call 100 black men in a field?
.
.

The good old days...


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Guy walks into a bar and sits down for a drink and sees Hitler sitting at a table in the corner.
So the guy asks the bartender if thats Hitler and the bartender says yep. Bartender also says that he'll tell you anything you want if you buy him a drink.
So the guy gets another drink and sits down with Hitler and hands him the drink.
The guy: "So exactly how many people did you kill?"
Hitler: "About 600,000 jews and 7 circus clowns"
The guy, suprised replied "7 circus clowns!?"
Hitler: "See! Nobody cares about the jews!"



BONG!!!!

 

Didn't Hitler kill 10 times as many Jews?

 

Roman,

Not to be offenseive (even though I'm in the Cesspool...), but the Holocaust was largely exagerated. 600,000 is about right, it never made it to the millions.


[Renrue]

 

Whether you meant to say that or not, it qualifies.

 

Elton john and david spent the whole week of their honeymoon in bed having sex. On the Sunday, Elton Says to David, I'm going to the shop for a while. Don't you be wanking when I'm gone!!!
When he came back there was cum all over the walls and ceiling!!!
Elton is furious and starts shouting at David about wanking whilst he was gone.
David said "I didnt, I farted"!!!!!

 

HAHA! Great jokes so far. I gots one that will tickle your funny and make you want to vomit its so offensive.

Three children were swinging at the park. A wizard comes up and says "say men, thats some mighty fine swinging your doing there." The boys say "Thanks"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

Ok..ok... next one

Three men are at the park and fixing to get on the slide when a wizard pops up and says," When u go down this slide shout out what u want and u will turn into it." The first man goes down and shouts," A man with a million dollars!" So he gets a million dollars. The second man goes and says," Wheee!!!" and he turns into wee wee. The third man falls off and says, " Oh fiddlesticks and he turns into fiddlesticks. AHHHHHHH!!!

Why were the little strawberries so sad? Cause they were in a jam!

Who put mustard on my sandwhich? Oh, mother? Thanks.

A guy walks into a bar and asks "You all sell beer here?" The man replies. "Yep, just like mama used to."

ok ok, time for a tame one.

What's long and black and smells like shit?
The welfare line.

ok. thats all I got for you Jibba Jabba fools.

 

What do you call a newborn baby without dick and balls?

A baby girl!



Okay, meh xD

 

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The NIH would like to remind you that you should not take a needle pin and thrust it back and forth into your eye. Should you do this wash the eye immediately with a hot caustic solution of ammonia or chlorine. Rinse the eye with cold water and follow these steps repeatedly until you feel some relief. The institute will like to remind you not to fuck with your eye. They are the key to vision.

 

George Micheal was found un-concious in a car at Hyde Park. Apparantly the back door was wide open...

 

George Micheal has just dumped his boyfriend. George explicitly asked him to wake him up before he go-go'd.

 

I've only just dicovered this site. I was going to preface this joke by saying that I am not at all racist, but after going through a few pages, I guess that's just a given. Here is the most offensive joke I know;

Q; What's the difference between Adolf Hitler, and Martin Luther King?



A; At least Hitler wasn't a fuckin' nigger!

 

This is to prove to you how stupid the average American is. Every ninty minutes someone gets hit by a train. A train okay!?

 

Japanese doctor “We found a limb and built a working leg around it, gave it to a cripple. He returned to work the next day and was so effective that he put 3 people out of work”

German doctor: “That nothing we found a severed head and built an upper body around it, gave it to a man that was cut in half with his lower body remaining. He went to work and was so effective that he put five people out of work”.

Zimbabwean Doctor: “You guys are all armatures. One day I was walking on the street and I smelt a fart. I caught the fart and put it in a jar. We built an ass hole around it, a torso, and eventually a whole human. We called it Robert Mugabe. He went to work the next day and put the whole country out of work”

 

Q; Why do they call it a cunt?

A; That's the sound it makes when you kick it!


Q; What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?

A; The harder you hit 'em, the more english you get!


Q; What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A; Nothing, you already told her twice!


Q; What's the difference between whores and onions?

A; I don't cry when I chop up whores!


Q; What's the difference between homos and my bike?

A; It's not very funny when you throw my bike off a bridge!


Q; What do Iraqis and Fred Flintstone have in common?

A; They both wake up in the morning and say hi to rubble!


Q; How long does it take a black woman to take a shit?

A; Nine months!

 

After I posted my jokes, I checked out the last 28 pages on thi site. In those pages, I found two of my jokes, so I suppose it's only fair to submit two new ones. I'm the sort of fellow that enjoys telling a funny joke even more than hearing one, so here's two more...

A little boy wakes up on christmas morning, and goes downstairs to find a wealth of presents under the tree, and his mother and father beaming with joy. He opens his presents and is elated. He's got everything he could want and more; a new bike, a puppy, a play station with all the games, candy galore, etcetera. And his proud parents tell him that in the fall, he'll even have a new baby brother. He's so excited, and after they have breakfast, he goes next door to visit his best friend to tell him what he got.
He first asks his buddy what he got for christmas, and his buddy tells him about the new winter coat and socks Santa gave him. Then the little boy tells an awesome tale of all the loot; the bike, the puppy, the games, and his parents' big news.
His little buddy dejectedly looks to his own parents, then back at his friend, his head hung low, and says, ....








"Man, I wish I had lukemia."


OK, and one more...

Three guys are in the middle of a long road trip when thier car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They are a jew, a black guy, and a hindu. It's too cold to sleep in the car, so they start walking, hoping they might find a kindly soul to put them up for the night. After about half an hour, they come upon a small farmhouse. They knock on the door and after a little while, an old farmer opens up. They explain thier predicament, and the old man is as accomidating as he can be. He tells the travellers that they are welcome to stay, but his house is small, he only has room for two, and, unfortunately, someone will have to sleep in the barn.
The jew speaks up, "Hey, whatever, it's only one night, I'll go sleep in the barn." He heads out and they all bed down.
Half an hour later, there's a knock at the door and everyone gets up. It's the jew, and he says, "Hey, look, there's a pig in there, and my faith does not allow me to lay with swine, I gotta come in."
At which point the hindu speaks up, "Hey guys, it's cool, let him sleep in here, and I'll spend the night in the barn." And out he goes.
About half an hour later there's a knock at the door. They open up and it's the hindu.
"Sorry, but there's a cow out there, and you know about that whole hindu-holy cow thing..."
So the black guy speaks up, "hey, you know, it's only a few more hours till dawn, I'm an athiest, so I'll go sleep in the barn, and I'll see you guys in the morning." He leaves and they all bed down for the night.
Half an hour later there's a knock at the door. Everyone gets up again and decides thay'll just all sleep together.
They open the door and it's the cow and the pig.

 

"Yes waiter i'd like the
deep-dish-duck-dick
roasted monkey's bum with the candied panda's asshole
and finally the chicken dung custard"