The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

I wanna meet this vicar of yours, sounds like a stand up guy, an unusal quality in a man of the church!!

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:m:

 

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My dick is so big it doesn't return spielberg's calls

My dick so so big it only does one show a night

My dick is so big I have to check it in when I fly

My dick is so big I have to pay "exessive organs and previlages" tax in China

My dick is so big it has its on gravity

 

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Your dicks a dick!

 

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“Virtue in the middle,” said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.

A blonde in the first class seating of a plane bound for New York refuses to leave for the economy class even though she bought an economy ticket. Every staff of the plane tried to cajole her to move to the economy for hours until the co-pilot tries.
“I know what to do, my wife is a blonde” said the co-pilot.
Finally she moves to the economy class
“What did you tell her?” asked the stewardess
“I told her the first class was not going to New York”

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of them places!

 

I'm running out of jokes, but here's one anyway.

Q: Why do niggers hate blowjobs?
.
.
.
A: Because it's a job!

 

Q: How many blacks does it take to clean a toilet?
A: None. It's a woman's job.

Q: Why are aspirins white?
A: Because they work.

Q: What do you call a black with a new bike?
A: A thief.

 

Allright dang it! Here are several very bad jokes. they involve dead babies, hookers, and molestation. do not read if offended.
Q: What's the difference between onions and hookers?
A: I don't cry when I chop up hookers.

Q: What's the best part about having sex with twenty-two year olds?
A: There's twenty of them.

Q: What is the worst part about eating bald pussy?
A: Putting the diaper back on.

Q: What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood?
A: I can't gargle with sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: You don't wear boots when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and give him a blowjob.

Q: What is the difference between a mansion and 10 year old?
A: I have never been inside a mansion.

Q: What do call the worthless flesh around a pussy?
A: A woman.

Q: Before your baby died, what did you often fantasize it would become?
A: The President of the United States.

Q: What does 80 year old pussy taste like?
A: Depends!

Q: What is the best part about having sex with a 12 year old in the shower?
A: You can slick her hair back and pretend she is 8.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would also know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

Q: What did the clown say to your dead baby?
A: The clown only fucked your dead baby. He didn't say much.

Q: What turns a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS!

Q: What is better than having sex with a 10 year old Vietnamese boy?
A: Nothing!

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Q: What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?
A: An erection.

Q: What's the most popular pick up line at the gay bar?
A: May I push in your stool?

Q: How do you make a ten year old girl cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on her Teddy Bear.

Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown suit!

Q: What do lesbians do for fun when they are on their period?
A: Finger-paint.

Q: What is black and blue and hates to have sex?
A: The 7 year old in my trunk.

Q: How does a redneck mother know when her daughter is on the rag?
A: Her son's dick tastes funny.

Q: How many times does a baby spin in a microwave before it explodes?
A: I dunno. Always too busy masturbating to notice.

Q: What is the worst part about having sex with a 3 yr old?
A: Wiping the blood off your clown shoes.

I know there were raping jokes in there, and I'm sorry to anyone offended. Rape is no laughing matter...unless, of course, it's a raping clown.

 

Q what's the worst thing you can call a black person?

A neighbor

Q what would you call fred flintstone if he were black?

A nigger

Q What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A Nothing...you've already told her twice


AND MY FAVORITE OF ALL TIME!!!!:

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

 

What do you call a cripple in the NBA?
A white guy

What do you call a chick magnet?
A black guy

What do you call a cribbled chick magnet?
The board of directors of the NBA

 

More NBA lingo

what is an empty basket?
A blonde in the crowd

what is a spalding?
A fat ass in the crowd

what is a flagrant foul?
dick cheney in sports wear

what is a courtside hot slap?
laughing at shak as he approaches the free throw line

 

What's funnier than the chicken crossing the road?





















































Rape.

 

Q: What is the best part about raping a little boy?
A: Killing him afterwards

 

Dude, it's just a saying! (Obviously not as well-used saying as I thought!)
Soz!

The Flemster.

 

A man tells his girlfriend that he would like to try titty-fucking her. The woman asked how she would get any pleasure out of this. The man thinks for a bit then says, " Well right before i cum, ill stop punching you in the face."


A man is fucking a girl from behind and decides he wants to stick it in her ass. He pulls out and starts to put it in when the girls looks over her shoulder and says,"Thats awful presumptuous of you!" The man looks down and says,"Presumptuous? Thats a big word for an 8 year old."


Q:What do you call a boat-full of niggers going back to Africa?
A:A good start

Q:Why do white people go to black peoples yard sales?
A:To get there shit back

Q:What do you call a nigger on a bike?
A:Thief

 

What's red and got more brains than Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him.

 

I found these two comments in conjunction to be quite offensive. Are you implying that the comment about the hispanics are untrue but the one about the blacks isn't?

But in the spirit of this awesome thread, I give you the benefit of a doubt and suspend my "offendedness"

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My entries:

Q: How do you make a Polock go crazy?
A: Draw a circle around him and tell him to piss in that corner.

Q: What do women and toilets have in common?
A: Without the hole in the middle they'd be useless.

 

What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb blind girl?

Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum



What a terrible place the world today is, first all the pakis get sky, now the niggers have got swimmingpools!


:m:

 

Why do women and shopping trolleys go together?
So they can comfortably walk on all fours

 

A father is giving some advice to his son. He tells him that there are five important qualities you look for in a woman to enjoy a relationship.
firstly you must find a woman who can cook, clean, and look after the kids.
secondly you must find a woman who is dirty in bed, loves sucking cock and taking it up the ass!!!
thitdly you must find a woman who has a lot in common with you, so you can have a good laugh and talk about life
fourthly you must find a woman who has plenty of money to look after you to the standard you are accustom to.
And finally, this is VERY VERY VERY important son.........Never under any circumstances must these 4 women ever meet!!!!!!

 

An Isreali doctor say, "In Isreal we took out a dead man's limp and put it in a cripple and he was walking in one week"

A Chinese doctor, "Thats nothing! In China we took out a heart and put it in another and the recipient was breathing in three days"

A Canadian Doctor, "Ha! In Canada we put a new brain in a psychopath and he was well the following day"

An American doctor, "Thats all nothing! In America we took an idiot out of Texas, put him in the white house and everybody was looking for work the same day"