Ridiculous dilemma

The following is to be considered strictly as a moral issue.

Two years ago, I tired of chasing Happiness. I promised myself to remain single until I turn 20; after that, I vowed, I'd accept the first (hu)man that proposed affection. (Laugh, but it's sad.) I did remain single; circumstances assisted me. Now, I turned 20 and the usual issue came back. Some nights ago, I cried out to my pillow: "God, why didn't you make happiness for me?!" (Laugh.) Lo and behold, a man came along! He is good-looking, as many would say. His personal qualities are good, too. He has remembered me since the first and last time we saw each other years back and he is interested in me. He is about 30 years old, with wrinkles. He scares me. Besides that, I am secretly praying for affection from certain others.

Do not treat this as a relationship question. This dilemma deals strictly with personal values, will power, integrity, promises, loyalty to self. "What-if's" are foolish. I must reach a decision before this Friday evening. The situation is fully under my control. Discuss and share personal experiences.

(I bet Gendanken won't forget this for a long while

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There are so many things wrong with what you're doing that I don't know where to begin.

1) Why?

2) Happiness does not come after 20 s owhy this age limit?

3) How are you ready for happiness at age 20? why not 19, 18, 17?...Happiness is a state of mind, not an age related chemicaly triggered hormonal development.

4) You sound like you severly lack confidence and any notion of self worth to do this to your self.

5) You may have taken the ideology of a "submissive ,supportive, woman" too far.

6) You seem to suffer from some sort of malignant narcisscism.

7) Sciforums...not a good place to ask this stuff.

8) No offense intended but you sound like someone who needs to give attention to yourself rather than seeking it from older men or anyone who is willing to faun over you. I don't know your history, nor your reasoning behind these choices but you seem to have arrived at some radical, albeit, ludacris decision which scream ignorance of what happiness really is.

In short....grow up.

 

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Whitewolf don't set a time limit to settle down. You are planning your future divorce when u do that. You may get lucky you may not but when u put a time limit on finding the guy that is right for you you will make it easier for yourself to settle or something less than you want.

second, as your age is 20 I am very skeptical of a 30 year olds interest in you. Realistically, could he really introduce you his mother, his friends as his girlfriend? Can you bound on an emotional level and intellecutal level given the difference in wealth of experience? Is he going to want to hang out at your college parties? Want to spend time with your friends? Will you mind going to a 30 something bar? Mind hanging out with his married friends? At age 30 I was on a completely different intelletual, emotional and spirtual wavelenght than I was at 20. Many 30 years old have already gone through the finding yourself phase but few 20 year olds have. Being 40 and dating a 30 year old is completely different because both people have completed the transition from teenager to adult than a 3o year old dating a 20 year old. I am not saying it won't work but, be sure to say "no sex" for a few months and see how long he sticks around.

I am 36 and even when I was 30 I wouldn't think of dating a 20 year old cause mentally we would likely be very different. The biggest reason (bluntly) a man dates a woman that age is sexually.

Its ok to keep your options open and play the field as long as you are up front with the other guys that you "date". I did that when I was single but didn't learn that until I was over 25. I didnt have any mentor (though not that I have talked to her in a while but I do have a older woman dating coach---very cool idea to have) I said, "hey I date" . Some woman said "not with me you don't" and they walked others still dated me but the cards were on the table and i was honest with all of them.

It is kinda like looking for a job (however unromantic that sounds). If you go one company at a time it is going to take you a long time to find the right job..but if you send out resumes to a mulitude of places and look activly until you find a fit it will be a lot smoother for you.

It sounds like you set parameters and you can apply them but apply them activly to a multitude of men until you find the guy for you. About those "certain others" ask them out....it ok for a girl to ask a guy out. I really like being asked out. It feels the same for guy to be asked out as it does for a girl....

Don't make your standards conform to a set day.....make your days conform to your standards.

I wish and hope the best for you.

 

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It is ridiculous to think of dating him, precisely because he is 30; I know exactly what he wants. Another one of my (very good) resolutions was not to date anyone younger than me and anyone older than me by over a year. And I can deal with him (being 20, not 18). Sad part is, he's had a habit of dating girls 10 yrs younger. Tells a lot about his mind. What my friend (mediator) said sounds precisely like he's trying to charm a 14-yr-old. It makes me sick already. Those are "what-if's". I can be open-minded.

God, you have no idea how badly I want to settle down and never have this headache. It'll take time to find the guy and to get him to commit, so even if I start now I'll look at marriage only in some five years, even more.

My problem is the promise I made to my dear self. When I was making it, I had valid reasons (which I still have), and I made a point that this is the promise I will definitely keep. My heart is foolish, it never returned others' affection but strove for unattainable things, thus depriving me of joy. I could say that even loyalty to self is a doggish quality and I'm really a cat person. But that's too easy. Easy isn't fun.

 

To add to this ridicule:
What do you think of fate? I am a strong believer in fate, for my experience has proven it exists.
I can not deny a chance merely on the basis of socially imposed bias and stereotype, especially if it is a chance not only for another person but also for me.
That promise to my self is the first one I made which I recall, so I'm infinitely excited about keeping it. Breaching it would mean betrayal of self (considering I can keep myself from harm with that man). Especially since I have not been able to keep my heart from wandering around for two years (forget the strife with nature, darn it, darn it).
How often have you stuck to your values? How often have you betrayed the word you gave yourself?

 

you need to strike a balance between keeping promises and adapting to new situations

dont go on a date with a guy if he scares you

 

What Sgt Lard said, plus, , if this guy has wrinkles, he's older than 30. I'm 36 and haven't got wrinkles. He's either had a hard life, or is just after a dizzy young girl who tits haven't gone south like those of the women his own age.

 

There are plenty of successful relationships with a larger age difference than this. I even know of one, personally. Be open-minded. Or at least bring up more arguments while keeping in mind I'm not a little girl and our aims in the relationship may match.
(Well, it's the beginning of wrinkles, you know, around the mouth, and stuff.)
He is not a completely useless acquaintance; he is quite knowledgeable in various areas, including martial arts, yoga, ballroom dancing, computers. I know his friends personally; he is close friends with the brother of a close friend of mine.
While considering the conflict with my dear self, I recalled that each time I did not stand by my initial resolutions I was brought to shame and lengthy regrets. I recall life lessons that strongly urge me to keep loyalty to myself, even if I will be dubbed a monster as a result.
I know I am to find a compromise somewhere. There has to be a loophole. But I can't find it. I can't believe I cornered myself. Checkmate, I must lower my head and comply.

 

So, you want advice? I would say fuck that promise, you would look like a sad being if you really go through with this promise.

Promises to oneself are those broken most easily, after all you only need your own forgiveness.

*keeps twitching fingers from writing a really mean text* Why you posting this on Sciforums?
*twitch*

 

Whatever YOU feel is the right thing to do. Trust YOUR own judgement. If you give it a try and it doesn't work out there will always be others that you can seek out once more.

 

Ridiculous dilemma

Ridiculous dilemma


Amazing. You see that you are at a turning point in your life, and you call it a "ridiculous dilemma"?! Whew.

You are in deep shit, woman.
You are taking yourself as some sort of joke -- and you see that this is not healthy for you, yet you seem to insist.

/.../

I didn't think I would be able to find your dissonance so quickly.

"God didn't make happiness for you" because you think that "easy isn't fun".

You have made yourself believe that happiness is hard to achieve, and that if you don't achieve it by some time limit (arbitrary, set by yourself), you will give up looking for it.
So what you are facing now is the hard way. (Suit yourself. To each her own!)

And now the whole thing with this 30-ish man looks odd and not exactly promising ...

Shame? Were other people who are close to you or have some great influence over you ashamed of you?
Or were you just ashamed of yourself?
If you are unable to be at least a bit of ashamed of yourself (for whatever reason), if you can't bear at least some embarrassment at yourself (and will do everything to avoid it), then you are not likely to effectively learn something about yourself, and that happiness you long for will remain distant, distant.

But loyalty to the self does not mean that you always have to follow your resolutions *no matter* what. If you rigidly follow what you have decided some long time ago, yes, this is likely to render you a monster.

This is another example of your self-sabotaging thinking.

Are you happy?
If you are, why the dilemma that lead you to this thread?


If you are not happy, then this state of unhappiness is forcing you to do something, and perhaps learning something new.
To learn something does not mean to simply add to the already existing knowledge -- often, learning is about reconceptualizing what you already know.

You can change your mind and still be loyal to yourself: The most ethical life is to break the rules that have become to narrow for the present situation.

And that rule that you have set for yourself, that "I promised myself to remain single until I turn 20; after that, I vowed, I'd accept the first (hu)man that proposed affection." -- has become too narrow for your present situation.

You can see yourself -- "I am secretly praying for affection from certain others." --that that rules you have set once is too narrow for your present situation.

 

I think that any marriage is stupid, but your version would be pure idioticy

 

To me, marriage is for making a family and ensuring happiness for a child. Thus, it is a promise to stand by the spouse through all joys and sadness; marriage is for life. It follows, that all legal considerations "in case of divorse" are a sign that the partner isn't planning to keep that promise even before the married life begins. Obviously, to me, marriage is absolutely necessary. And it is my ultimate goal in a relationship. I'll consider your reasoning on how that's idiocy.

 

you shall not hear it // our preception of relationships is too different for my reasoning to make any reason to you

 

Whitewolf,

Since you're dealing with a primarily personal issue and not a relationship issue, I think you'll benefit by being true to yourself first. If you made a promise, try to keep it. Maintaining your own integrity is a greater responsibility than finding the right person, and it's more certain to put you in a position to experience the happiness God prepared for you.

It's relatively easy for an older guy to charm a younger girl, because he has that emotional leverage. But don't let it disenfranchise you of yourself. In order to find the right person, you have an obligation to be the right person - or you'll end up being someone else with someone else, and unhappy.

Take time to get to know this guy if you like him, but don't rush into something because you feel "it's time". Time can take care of itself, and you have to take care of yourself.

 

yeah, she's weak, needs someone else,
maybe not enough vivid self personality to enjoy her own company.
personally I think it's pathetic, but then.. I'm an individualistic person to the extremes and of course I see everything from my subjective point of view.
still think it's pathetic even if my view wasn't biassed

 

Bells, you have no reason to be so harsh. Why should the guy who falls in love with her be that stupid? She might feel that way at the moment. We all have that need to be loved, and once in a while it's more urgent. That doesn't have to make her needy or desperate, it's her choice. If she's not able to make it, that doesn't make her weak - it makes her human. That she needs to take charge of her feelings can't be disputed, but please don't hoard yourself over her. Saying she'll always be a slave to this "happiness", that she won't be able to redefine it or come to terms with it somehow, is simply a lack of confidence in her.

If everybody treats her like this, it's no wonder she craves affection.

Whitewolf
I have a strong feeling this man isn't the answer to your prayers. Not if he scares you. Like I said, make certain of who you are, before you expect someone fall in love with someone you don't know yourself. No one thing in the world will make you happy, it's too much weight for a single person to bear.

 

is that a valuable/needed thing (being human)?