New "Personality" Thread stressing my responsibility

I seriously feel bad for you, Brent.

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Sounds tough what you're going through. Just don't go in the trap of craving sympathy (like my neurotic, schizophrenic "ideal" in life, mom), but continue on your way of craving understanding.

 

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I agree. Trust me, i'm not going to go down any trap of craving sympathy. I'll stay strong, and keep an attempt at a healthy mind. I'm going to try to see a docter. First step is keeping hope that, and knowing i have a problem,

I appoligise all but no one has understood me ever.
And if you have...
Well,
hehe

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Ok all,
I'm going to post something i've worked up in microsoft works, hoping you will read it


You want to hear what is really wrong with me? You ask me for “ideas”, invert nexus. Well... Here, I am going to attempt to talk some about these ideas for,
[as you said:]
Why are you so different?
Do you have any ideas?

Nexus I really do like you as much as you may not like me. And I do mean that. So now I am going to give this post. If anyone will even read it. I am typing this now out of desperation, from fear of my every activity and it’s being wrong, or, I am really doing harm or something wrong. Desperation from finally being able to explain, my problem, as I have never it seems really explained it to begin with even. That seems like a tough one there.

Yes, I have ideas for why I am different. You tell me also to ask the right questions. I guess what im trying to do right here is to simply clarify the questions. Whatever---I need to know what I’m typing from fear of my dad hearing me type instead of watch the movie [that I am watching because I have no better activity to do, I want to turn it off, it would likely, be more healthy for me. ---I tried to read a book called “Elephant Walk” or the or elephants, today, but I was reading it good, and still feeling as I have failed with it... these are examples so to say]

Anyway. The core of the problem. By this it leads me to say that “of course then what naturally follows (I am not here typing in the vain as I am as a person, I feel here) is that every other person also must say the problem he/she has. There, that it must be communicatable. It must be ...at least to a degree known. At least I must be able to present my problem before you” ---anyway, where does saying that lead me to?

Well, as I was trying to say... I must give some ideas that can be mulled over by the people i am telling my problems to. If I do not present them with something other than ___________(fill in the blank!), then, they will instead mull over that, and I will be mulling over it to; it seems like a cycle that is just a cycle. A cycle that... what---I don’t really like! hmmm

Well anyway, I believe that I mull from the above example over my character. A lot. One guy from another forum says that I am extremely picky or something. He says “i feel you will be good at looping---but only once you have straightend your thoughts out”---this statement is a biger or higher truth than most presented before me most of the time. Most of the time the info is... hard to say this... fudjed? To use chinese language? I don’t take it, or something. Reading a book, for example, ... to relate that ... Oh I’ve forgot.
I do hope by reading this you don’t immediately jump saying I have schizophrenia or something.

Anyway I was trying to tell you my problem so that at least, as the guy further says,
“ it appears that you are doing it as some sort of a game or some tactic”,
or at least it was something like that. “A plan”, that’s the closest I can think right now.

So what then? What’s next?
Why am I so different??

Unfortunately, I feel that in this writing I haven’t presented myself as I am again. I have again worded things so as to word them. Who knows. I can’t even speak about something like that without wanting to fall over. Like, my problem exists somewhere in there. I do not want my problem to be something that I am doing wrong now that I can do better. I want to have confidence in myself as a person knowing that it is only due to my sensitivities, to give an example from QQ.

My dad... thinks highly of me... little is he finding out, ... all i’m saying here maybe is that he is in my mind thinking the same thing you guys are.

It is embarassing for me to present my problem to you like this. But I must say, that if this is what it is, I surely want to know.

I do seem to have a plan in mind as the person was saying eariler.
When I am eating at the kitchen table,
here is a diagram of the house


outside (back yard)
|
garage --kitchen(with window showing back yard) (also facing this direction) -- dining room (with computer and table and bar)
|
living room (so as you can picture this part of the house, so far, isn’t so big) | front door
-- (to the right starting from outside): hallway: first is the bathroom.

Anyway, the house isn’t too big right now it’s 11:41 PM i’m typing this because I feel I need or rather , should type it. I’m right next to the kitchen, and right next to that is the garage. Up from that is outside! I go there often to “hide”, as my dad tells me.

I don’t really seem to have much of a life. At all really. My dad has recently told me that i’m going to start going out, and, meeting people which me made me agree to.

...Anyway, as I was trying to say.
It feels almost entirely clear to me now that i’ve expressed plenty. Said enough.
“Why am I so different?”
Keeps ringing in my mind:
Like, hey, that’s invert nexus trying to, or, talking to me. He is talking to me, and I want to talk to him. He is an awesome dude, IMO awesomer than skinwalker and 50 times better than me. That’s just role model talk but that’s talk about ..about how I feel. So.

.....Why are you so different? Well! Now there’s something! What should I say?
Just now, right now a while or a second ago, I was seriously and deeply considering something that seems very important right here at this point in the writing. If I keep forgetting what use is it?

Oh i think I remember... it’s that I must tell you how I must. I must tell you how it is. I must communicate how it is. I must communicate it correctly.
Now. Me and QQ have argued over this point for quite a while I think we’re actually comming around to agreeing that I must communicate or rather it simply must be communicated, that is, the problem must be communicated.

And so here I am, freezing up. Thinking how awesome QQ is. I’m not freezing up. I’m probably getting aggervated at how I am. Water, I remember, recommending the talks by tara brach, the buddhist lady of acceptance (I swear to god she is a lesbian, or at least very very feministic: who can’t despise such bullshit more?---anyway...). Just now as watching the movie star wars, I tell you now, I was deeply considering within all my faulty thinking and mind how water was right or wrong, how I am right or wrong, how I am in relation to water and her refering me to the talk by tara. This sentence expresses much character, that is a consideration only. And I was deeply considering acceptance perhaps acceptance on what I can accept, If I must accept a suffering unlike how anyone else suffers, if that’s really me, really, all that’s wrong with me. I don’t even know if I’m being heard. I don’t even know if you guys are hearing me or if I am just typing and typing senceless garbage--

Anyway, I was considering as an example “acceptance”. Perhaps that dude was right as far as goes it is a plan for me, accept everything that comes along, stop the plan (which in effect is a plan)----(...which leads me to believe that everyone’s thinking is aplan, which is so much and only the worse for me........)

So...what was I saying again?

“When one is eating, one should be eating” (reminds me of buddhism)
“When one is talking, one should talk”
“when listening, you should listen”...
or whatever it was that nexus was saying?

So, anyway, I forgot why exactly it was that I have typed that but I must say that such things are a difference for me. Why am I so different? Why don’t people understand me?

Well.... I really don’t know.
No.
I shouldn’t say that. I can’t say that. But it appears to follow my writing. Anyway...
All this deep stuff.
There really has to be a better way to say it than this!

I tell ya what if I could only ever be heard for once. The real brent, the hypocritical (i’m not hypocritical, i’m like.... who knows!), yeah yeah... cry cry... brent that someone could hear. The fuck that crys for stupid reasons, and, when he comes to realize that he does this, it is only the worse.

It’s not like it’s only any consolation. When I realize that I actually am the fuck. Not that I am, I mean, such realizations are always comming and never adding up. So why am I so different?

No one hears such screams................................



[it isn’t like I want you to try to find my ideas or the ideas (as in the first sentence(s). I attempted to express what they were, maybe failing, maybe not. I can try and give more of them. Really.]
ps.
I will likely continue to post in the same fashion. As before. It isn’t like this makes a difference?

 

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Also, there have been other threads to discuss my problem. They never got there. Mr Awesome (Mr Anonymous) gave an awesome first post, and it got only to the point of it being denied, and never really talked about--- that my problem consists within this, but isn't this.

What I am saying is that I am hoping the same thing won't happen again.

I was hoping to figure out personality in this thread. Only I find that it is too personal to be at all sure.

 

I also believe QQs first post on this thread on page 1 (a lot of material is to question), still holds true. I'm no, not asking for a phone or service to reach out to as Mr G says i'm simply CONCERNED.

Now. I must go my dad is going to freak out any ...second.....

 

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hello!

 

hey ellion
*looks around---, bout to be flamed*

 

so did your dad freak?

 

What's the thing between you and your dad? Why do you think he has high expectations, what kind of person is he, and why do you feel that you don't live up to his expectations? Do you have any friends to talk to about all this? Or relatives? You said you have agreed with your dad that you should go out more, why don't you? Is it the communicating with people part that is difficult? You have a tendency of looking up to people you think are smart and cool, but you depict yourself as low and worthless, compared to the people you are looking up to, why do you think so low about yourself? Is your dads expectations bringing you down, or have other people insulted you or mentally abused you? Why are you so afraid of your dad? What is he like when he gets angry? What are you like when he gets angry?

Please answer, Brent.

 

my dad brought me outside one time. after i was sort of .. cry saying that I have a problem, "you don't even care." I said. At least, I think I said that-
.. he was real upset, he walked outside, ..forced, me outside. he was sort of chasing me around. in circles around the ...plant water fountain sor of thing of my moms. ...funny durring that time, that I wasn't "subconscious awareness" bullshit. ..I'm sure that to the extent, I was. But. Anyway some time durring all of this, basically, what happend is I sat down on a swing and had to hear him out or something. Before this he choked me. Like a mad man. Because of that I think it shows who he is. But the point is of course that it was for the good, at least. So he tried to talk to me. He tried to help me by talking. He talked to me forever. He said, many things to me. "Your problem's gone." In a way I understood his meaning- .. ..He talked about many things with me. Like, I was a "star" child, until ..something happend..
They treat me like I'm special/"smarter than anyone I meet"; I hate being up on a stool for the steers.

My dad is the kind of person who's favoriate ring tone is "Just some good ol' boys....... never mean ya' no harm....... (the dots go along with the beat)" anyway I forget. The rest of the words. But pretty much I hate him. He tries to ...I made a thread about him. It probably is shit to the present. But he is a trash. My house at here now parents, is fundamental to him. We live accordingly. I don't like that. I wish I had a better family and better chances to succeed. I wish I had some insight into that statement. Into this post. I only want to be ...you, for example. Invert nexus 'like', or me but better. Something change. I know I'm me, but... that is about all that I know.

I don't really live up to his expectations, because his expectations are for me to be normal. Rather to quit being how he knows or believes, me to be 2day.

I definately should go out more. But, I only have like 1 friend. I used to be more comfortable to say I have more friends. But now, I don't. And I can't even be friends with him well. That is why I don't go out. Because I can't even talk to anyone else, without having a force field of shit. I will blow up, everything you say, I am not accustomed to. I do not understand.

It is hard for me to say i'm having of any qualities. But I do know of myself as a person who's down. That is to say the least.
When my dad gets angry I don't want to offend him. He commands a respect or a "normality", so to say it that way, which I must respect. He makes me feel bad.

And I make him feel bad too.

 

Damn it existabrent. Stop being so godammned self obsessed. It is unbecoming. Start thinking of others for once. Your parents doubtless love you and are likely at their wits end with your behviour. For their sake, and yours, and those of your friends, past and present, snap out of it.
Grow up and take responsibility for who you are and where you are going. Stop focusing inward. Look outward. Find someone worse of than yourself and help them.
Go to it. Good luck.

 

It took me a while to plow though all the posts so I waited to post until now.

Dude, you're not crazy or going crazy, or even going to go crazy. You sound so much like me 24 years ago it's kinda scary.

It seems you're stuck in a loop of ever higher resolution of self-examination but you don't really have the tools to use the insights you're garnering, or even realize you've had insights so it sounds like you keep flailing away at yourself hoping for a nugget.

I'd recommend that first, know your personality type, you might find that you really are normal after all, just a rare type. For example, I'm strongly a INTP (just a type), but its only 1 percent of the population, when I was young I finally gave up and resolved myself to being a really weird guy swimming in a sea of normals. I thought I was going to go crazy, asking myself "why am I so different from everybody else". Never mind "when am I going to get laid" (18 as it turned out)

It got so bad from 17-19 yrs or so I would consously start up my "emulation mode" of normal people just so I could get a long with others and maybe have a friend or two.

So, first take a quick online test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm
try as hard as you can to answer as you are, now how you'd like to be.

Then take a look at the personal growth at: http://www.personalitypage.com/personal.html
the different types are at the bottom of the page. I'd recommend that you dig all through http://www.personalitypage.com/home.html 's web site.

I think that once you understand what type of personality you are, you can start building up a solid framework of "how to deal with the world and the people in it." and more importantly "how to get the people around me to deal with me"

I can absolutely guarantee that when you read the description of your type, big parts of it will really resonate with you, other parts won't - but thats okay, the 16 types all have subtle variations, everyone is unique.

I think it'll also help you to know that there are others out there a whole lot like you.

Digging around about your type will also give you some tools to look at yourself, and how you interact with others. The test and the types I've been talking about are the standard Myers-Briggs types.

 

i took the test.
unfortunately in a short response I must say I don't feel like I have anything. you're talking to a sheet of paper!

 

So what personality type are you?

What I'm saying is that once you know your type, you can dig around and find out how you view the world and how the people in it view you.

Then you can do some more digging and get helpful hints and advice from PHDs who have spent their lifes work on people-people interactions.

There is no quick fix, you're going to have work and learn a lot on people-people interaction and modify some of your behavior to get what you want.
Notice I didnt say modify your personality, you can't, it's modifying how you present yourself to the world.

Or you can choose to maintain your status quo and just accept that you'll always be odd man out, and probably miserable. Like it or not people are social animals, we need people to feel right.

 

I can't READ... I can't even "be" Brent, without thinking thoughts about I am being something. I have destroyed myself. It was INFJ type. But as I say I took the test fast...
Who knows?

For whoever is reading, if you would "like" me to post some things that may tell more about my problem, for whoever, I would NOT mind.

 

warning: INTENSE






Ok here’s the deal:
existabrent’s problem

At first trying to type it right away & with emphysis, I get the loss of ability to think about it. If that matters, who really knows.
In any case, my problem may or rather has, been defined as “the evil genius”; what my past may be or what has led up to this event at this time, who knows what it is or it’s purpose(s). But at the time I have the sence of the evil genius.
When---actually---I speak just then of “what my past may be or what has led up to the event right now, what is its purpose?”, meant to speak some truth about the present event and it’s possible ...cause.
It could have been due to formulations of in-ability, sencings of some comfort in voice or rather, ...

In any case, the problem defined as evil genius may have relevance. Unfortunately to use the word is to fail, however, at the time, what is happening is my confusings about being normal from after an event or talk with my dad, and my wanting to be normal, and yet, still having problems. This can be defined in better ways. But.

But what?
Simply, my problem is mental chaos. That may sound a lame or stupid way to say it. But it is related. Related or not, the mental chaos or so to say it so, is actually making me want to be brent again, by whatever form is possible. This mental chaos, I wish to fade away, and one day, have a strong-er brent. The “and one day”---was spoken simply from (...lost in having normality---another hint!)... the previously attempting to describe issue, about just the fact that eariler when I was speaking about the cause or purpose of past events on the cause of the problem, what that wording was saying is ... (powerful state---or some destruction or cause of)... it was saying a related to in what I ... or what WAS used in causing this mental “block”, problem.

Issue.
Terrible confused issue to resolve Brent to BEING BRENT once more.
For a final, be brent, whatever normal being of brent is.

...Actually continuing my problem as defined as evil genius, or rather, mental chaos, the mental area is having of issues to resolve. I believe wesmorris has defined many of the issues: “you can’t do it (a paradox, perhaps---me), unless you believe that you can. That’s some ... (forgot the word): funky shit. For real!” So there you have it. One possibility to the Brent of being brent. .... One possibility to the ...mental chaos and it’s releasing, or curing whatever the mental chaos or evil genius is.

Is it possible for anyone to diagnosis this writing? Is it possible for anyone to get a sence of where i’m struggling to release at.
My friend a 16 year old studying to become a psychaitriast and studys also buddhism, was trying to help me release from this.
Obviously, I must do this by myself.

in any and every case, there are times when I am seen as being completely normal.
The question is: what in my mind is causing me to do this at the present moment? If we use that as a buddhist term, letting go, etc, at the present moment, therefore, there must be an answer to why at this present moment I am not in nirvana, or, ...using buddhist ways to define, why I am not able to simply be in the present moment. Be brent. Whatever the freaking (causes: see above)..........

and I start to lose it here.
In my writing there is continuous continuing or line of thought attempting or going further to present the issue.
Evil genius, is just a word.
existabrent

 

Brent,
I read your post trying to make sense of the guts of what you are saying
and here in lies the problem. It is virtualy impossible to determine what it
is you are trying to really say.

You are saying that you are suffering.
You are saying that you are confused.
You are saying that you feel a loss of identity "Brent"
You are saying and showing just how incredibly distracted you are from
communicating what you want to communicate.

It seems that every time you get to a point in your thoughts that allows you
to make sense in your writing it just whispers away and leaves what you say
as a "round robin"

Like catching a whisp of wind and trying to tame it.

I know also I feel where you are comming from but even I am lost for words,
other than using cliche type metaphours like "dog trying to catch it's
tail", "a mirror trying to see it's own image in the mirror" "trying to look
behind when every time you turn the "behind" is always behind you" these
sorts of things.

How to turn it around and get you to look straight ahead with out worrying
about what is driving you is the big question.

Certain exercises might help.

If you want I can suggest a few. Some I used when recovering from stroke to help generate focus and cope with distraction.

 

Ok. The problem ... can ... be defined.
At least, certain points of it.

Because... I get worse.
Arguementation between me and my dad, ... about if I get better or worse.
So.

Maybe I haven't forgiven myself?
Can it be a "mental formation" ...
or something like that?
A "unconscious"---problem...
a ..."SITUATE BRENT" problem???
wtf
...
situate brent...
wtf... I don't believe it impossible to determine. IMO at the least.. there are these issues.

I agree. I have now a 16 yr old buddhist/studies to be a psychaitriast, friend! He wants me to go to a party with him.

Thing is. I don't want to get worse than I already am. I want to make that point as clear as a sign on a ...
URRRRRAAAHhhhhHARRGHHHh
horse's ass.

But no. But NOOOOOOoooooo................................................... .........

QQ, that would rock. Because if what you suggest may actually help, i'd be bean stalk hoppin

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Basically...

 

Existabrent,

Your mind intrigues me, and from the first post I read of yours I thought you were a lot like me. Your internal conflicts- searching for who you are and why you are so "different"- are the same questions I have contemplated in recent years (I am 20), so I figure I can offer some understanding and help. But thats not the only reason why I think we're similar.

You say you got an INFJ on the Personality Test that Maast posted the link for. Taking the test quickly probably doesn't affect it much because your natural response is the best one. I received the same results -INFJ- which didn't surprise me. Lets begin with the "I"- meaning Introvert. Its no mystery that introversion is a challenging personality trait in our current world. But I've always felt that my introversion has more to do with people misunderstanding me than anything else. Like you, I have always had communication difficulties. While I don't have as high an IQ as most of the people in this forum (I am mostly here because I like intelligent discussion), I probably would understand your ramblings more than most of them (and no, not because its "stupid talk".) Despite the incoherency and grammar/spelling mistakes in your writing, I think you're probably pretty smart. But the conventional way to judge intelligence is based on narrow and specific categorie that can't possibly encompass all realms of intelligence, as well as how well one can express that intelligence. You can't express yourself well, and I know exactly how that feels. It affects my social life, too. In my mind I feel that I reach great ideas and conclusions that people could learn from- in my soul-searching days the past couple years I truly thought I was a genius that would never be discovered because I couldn't express exactly what I thought in a way that others could understand. I think you might know what I mean.

On a sidenote, has anyone else had such thoughts- that they were more genius than anybody would ever know? I'm wondering if this is typical human thinking. It wouldn't surprise me at all if it all boiled down to typical human behavior- just some way of building motivation and confidence in one's self.

Back to the point. You appear to have a lot of deep emotions. Deep anger, incredible depth in analyzing yourself and questioning what it is to "be", and to "be normal", and a curious mind that is open and eager to listen to outside suggestions. The "N" in your INFJ stands for "Intuition", which reflects the traits I listed above. You are driven by emotions, by a deep "gut-feeling", much more than science and theory. Does it come naturally to you to question everything around you? It wouldn't surprise me if the answer is yes, considering your theory (posted in another thread) that girls want to cut off the wangs of their men. Emotions run beneath every human choice, yet usually don't show their oft-ugly heads. People generally keep their emotions inside and ignore them for the sake of rationality, so that only a truly intuitive person could recognize what is really going on there. For example I'll address your theory about the woman's desire to castrate. Now, any rational person would disregard the theory on account of lack of any bit of evidence that such castration is at all widespread. You, on the other hand, are thinking not about whats going on on the outside, but what is unseen. You know that people, even women, are mostly vicious, power-hungry animals. It is only in the name of civilized society that they suppress such passion, so the battle between rationality and passion persists. You recognize that dual power struggle. You also recognize that women are beginning to grow power-hungry like men. It is entirely rational in your mind that they would fully pursue their impulse for power. But it simply doesn't work that way. Rationality saves us from killing each other off.

Along those lines, I'll talk about my experience. In recent years I have had a difficult time growing close to people because I simply don't trust them. I usually get an intuitive sense that they are against me or don't like me. I think this is an outcome of my introversion, which makes me self-conscious so I am always wondering- "do they like me?" I think people are usually kind of on guard when they first meet others, and aren't wholly honest. This will usually pass after enough time, but I usually pick up on it and make its meaning too substancial. When meeting people, its silly to put so much emotion into it, because emotion is irrelevant in those situations; ultimately, it means nothing. My intuition tells me that people are not to be trusted, and in fact this is mostly true. But you must get past this and remember no one is out to get you. Think too much about yourself, and life will be more worrisome.

By avoiding your specific questions, I hope to direct you away from your intense speculation. Remember that there is nothing "normal" about the world, its inhabitants, or you and I. Sit back and watch life flow by, and you'll find that you fit snugly into its bigger pattern whether you recognize it or not.

 

Carcasm... interesting post. Not relevent to this thread, but I test numberous times as an INTP.. and it's the closest any of the 24 types come to me.

I know exactly what you mean. I have many ideas and I understand a lot more than people think (I get called stupid by a lot of people, but reading some of my posts here, I hope no one here thinks so). I blame it on my gift of visual-spatial reasoning. I am VERY good at it, as well as math.. but language skills are what set me back... and lack of common sense.

How are your visual-spatial abilities?