Netanyahu: No deal until Palestinians accept Israel as Jewish

There are many websites providing information for Gentiles who are considering converting to Judaism. Bear in mind that the Jews pride themselves on being an argumentative people, so no two congregations are going to apply the rules in quite the same way.

I'm sure that in Israel, where being Jewish grants you special rights and subjects you to special responsibilities, they have a set of rules well enumerated, but I can't find those. The general rules for Orthodox Judaism, the strictest denomination, are fairly straightforward and almost purely ritual:

• 1. In order to show that you're serious, you have to ask the rabbi four times. The first three times he will automatically refuse. When you ask the fourth time, he may allow you to begin the process.
• 2. Everything that's really important happens here, but none of this is defined. Back to that in a moment.
• 3. If you're a man you have to be circumcised.
• 4. You have to take a ritual bath.
• 5. You have to make a donation in the Temple, but since the Temple has not been rebuilt this requirement is waived until further notice.

It's #2 that is most important, and as I noted nothing explicit is defined there. In fact this one isn't really on the list, I just stuck it in for clarity.

You have to convince the rabbi of three things:

• 1. You really want to be a Jew. You're not just trying to impress somebody. You're not just going through a phase and you'll get tired of it.
• 2. You'll be able to handle it. Being a Jew is much harder than becoming one.
• 3. The Jews should be happy to have you. You'll be an asset to the tribe.

Remember that the Jewish people are defined by their ancestors' failure to keep the Covenant with God. They're "the Chosen People," but it's not a good thing, not what it sounds like at all. For the last three millennia God has been punishing them for this misbehavior. Everything from the Exile in Egypt to the Holocaust has been God's punishment, and he's not going to stop punishing until the Jews figure out how to stop misbehaving.

So when you ask to join the tribe, what you're asking is to leave your nice happy carefree Gentile life behind, and start sharing this punishment that your own ancestors did not earn. Not only that, but all of your children will be Jewish too, and you are dooming them to this life, for all of eternity. Is this heavy enough?

In other words, you've gotta be crazy to want to be Jewish. The rabbi, and all the people in the particular Jewish community you want to join, are going to grill you with questions, trying to figure out why a nice happy Gentile wants to sign up for all this abuse. You can't fake this, you really have to be sincere, and they will be able to tell.

The usual reason is that you want to marry a Jew, particularly a Gentile woman wanting to marry a Jewish man. His children won't be Jewish unless their mother is Jewish, so his family will beat the crap out of him if he tries to marry a Gentile. In an Orthodox or even Conservative family, your only hope is to convert. At this point they might cut you some slack. If you learn all the rituals and recipes, get along well with the folks, and look like you'll have good healthy babies, they might just let you in because the boy will probably sneak away and marry you anyway, and at least this way you'll count as Jewish and won't bring dishonor to the family. Ironically, even though it's female ancestors who determine whether their children are Jewish, women aren't required to know quite as much about the religion as men, so you probably won't have to learn to read a page of the Torah (in Hebrew writing) out loud and translate it. A really strict congregation might make a male convert do that. They really have no interest in making it easy.

Once you've done all this, they get together without you and your fiance and decide whether they want you. And none of this is defined in the official Jew's Handbook.

Balance? None of the attacks on that list hit anything! 28 Israelis have been killed by Palestinian rockets in the last eight years! Do you want to estimate the number of Israelis who have been killed by Jewish drunk drivers during those same eight years?

The Israelis are as incompetent at risk analysis and risk management as the Americans are. We're turning the world upside down and spending money we haven't got, to save 3,000 Americans from terrorism in a decade. Meanwhile, more than one hundred thousand of us are killed by drunk drivers during the same decade, and nobody gives a crap. Sure, they piss and moan about it, but nobody's willing to spend a few billion dollars a year, a mere pittance, to install breathalyzer interlocks in every new car, which will make drunk driving deaths as rare as deaths by lightning.

The Israelis are just as stupid. It's not easy to Google up information about their domestic policies, but people who have been there tell me life is pretty loose so long as you do your time in the Army. I doubt that they do much to curtail drunk driving. Even if they do, I guarantee that more than 28 of them will be killed by it in eight years.