had this emailed to me Subject: FW: Blonde Cowboy > > > > -----Original Message----- > > From: > > Sent: Thursday, December 05, 2002 2:41 PM > > To: > > Subject: Blonde Cowboy > > > > > > The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde > > cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and > > his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. > > > > As he is locking him up, the Sheriff asks "Why in the world are you > > dressed like this?" > > The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the > > road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home > > with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me > > to pull off my shirt . . . so I did. > > > > Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... > > > > so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my > > > > shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind > > > > of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... And here I am." > > > > > > > > Blonde MEN do exist.
God vs. Satan In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that crept upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female he created them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game." And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth Nikes and Man resolved to run off those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs.
Two blondes on either side of a river bank, one shouts to the other how do you get on the other side, the second blonde shouts back , your all ready on the other side. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
God and Lawns GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir. GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose? ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ... GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Question: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? Answer: He enters Nerdvana.
Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says; "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of the Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. They produced four children named Dip Schitt, Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, and Giva Schitt. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and since her kids were living with her she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of Noe's four children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens had four children named Dawg, Byrd, Hoarse, and Bull. Bull left home to tour the world and returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So, now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
TODAY’S FUNNY TODAY’S FUNNY: Don't let the truth stand in the way of a good story! A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for sale" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
One day, Joe went and bought an old horse. It hadn't been cared for very well and looked terrible. He put it in the back yard. The next day his neighbor, Jim saw it. Thought that it was a poor excuse for a horse. Well, Joe took the horse and washed it well. The hair stood out a bit making the horse look better than it was. His neighbor thought maybe I was too hasty. The horse has potential. So Jim offered to buy the horse from Joe for $50. So Joe sold it to him. The next week, Joe came by and Jim had cut the horse's tail and mane and curried him. Joe regretted selling what could be a really good horse. So he offered Jim $100. Jim sold him back. When Jim came by the next time to see the horse, it had been shoed, the hooves were oiled, the tail was plaited and a saddle was on his back. Jim thought, "Now that is starting to look like a real good horse." So he offered Jim $150 dollars. This went on for some time, this selling this horse back and forth. Then one day, Jim comes by and the horse is GONE! When he asked Joe about it, Joe told him some stranger came by and offered $500 dollars for the horse and so he sold it. Jim said, "You fool, we was both making a good living off that horse!"
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
I got arrested for drink driving last week, i had to give a urine sample it came back positive, so i grabed the sample and did a runner, i am now getting done for taking the ; PISS;Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
seen the following in the papers. what is the difference between toast and frenchmen? you can make soldiers out of toast. how many frenchmen does it take to defend paris? nobody knows they have never tried it. the french have just ordered a new national flag, its a white cross on a white background. why did the french plant trees on the champs elysees? so the germans could march in the shade. what is the difference between a wonderbra and the french football squad? a wonderbra has decent support and a cup. define confusion. fathers day in france. what is the first thing you are taught when you you join the french army? how to say i surrender in all languages. why was jesus not born in france? because they could not find three wise men or a virgin. a british soldier an american soldier and a french soldier where all offered a wish each by a genie after rubbing a lamp they found while training in the desert. the british soldier said i want to be in the bahamas with a page three girl. the american soldier said i want to be in hawaii with a hula dancer and a crate of beer, after they were whisked off the french soldier thought for a moment and said i wish the brit and american were here to help me decide. why dont the french like the fireworks at disneyland paris? because every time they go off people start trying to surrender. whats the difference between a frenchwoman and a werewolf? a frenchwoman is not as hairy but thewerewolf smalls better.
Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! great jokes everyone..thanxPlease Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Arkansas Quarter I have already heard the mint is recalling our Arkansas State quarter. They said the tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together was gumming up vending machines!Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
A celebrity parked his brand-new BMW in front of an office building, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The celebrity immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the celebrity started screaming hysterically as some of his office friends reached the scene too. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the celebrity finally calmed down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you celebrities are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the celebrity. The policeman replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh My God!" screamed the celebrity. "My Rolex is gone!"
