Jokes and Funny Stories

Farmer telling his two bulls and 100 cows: "Tomorrow a new bull comes."

Bigger bull to the smaller one: "Well, I am keeping my 80 cows so you will share with him."

Next day huge bull is unloaded:
Big bull says: "I guess I will need to share some too. You idiot! Stop snorting and pawing the ground. - Do you want to be killed?"

Smaller bull: "No, I just want him to know I am not a cow."

 

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You never know who you are going to see at the airport, you just never know. I was on my way home from another year of school when I saw guess who, Ron Jeremy at the airport. He was actually quite cold and not happy to see me. I called him out “ Are you?”, I said, He nodded and went of looking for someone. I wonder what would have happened if I yelled “Aren’t you that pornographic director?”. My flight was one of those fukin connection flight, and mine had an hour lay over. I think airlines look out for me deliberately, making sure I always fly connection flights no matter what, I fly a lot and I can’t remember the last time I took a direct flight anywhere. Anyway the flight was boring as usual, my co-passenger was a woman who looked at least 40 years older than me. Into the flight I developed sudden loss of ear pressure, I always have pains in my ear when the airplane is too high. This time the pain was ridiculous because we had to fly over a storm, it was like someone was drilling into my ear, I looked around and as usual nobody else felt this pain. By the time we arrived on the first leg of the journey the flight attendants thought I had turned into an elf because my ears had grown 50% larger(I‘m not making it up). On my second leg flight, I took some time to really look at the people in the plane and reflect back. There was a real life Monk, complete with robe, sandal, and hooded top, I watched him carefully and he never looked at the women once. There where this couple at the back, there looked so young and so into each other, and there where about 3 Muslim guys sitting around me. Before the second leg flight took off I saw a bag in front of my sit that read “For motion discomfort”, it was written is 4 other languages, these airline guys really think about everything, but what really scratched my brain was that at the back of the bag was written “occupied”, also in 4 different languages. Half way or so into the flight I had thoughts about one day going sky diving, which would be the most exciting I would have ever done 10,000 ft in the air.

 

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True story: A high school dropout who became a billionaire roofing company tycoon and one of America's richest people died Friday after falling through his garage roof.

 

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When I was younger something happened to me, I was messing with the big boys down my street. I owe one of them money so one night they decided to pay me a visit of collection, only it was like 3:00 am. They came military style; one banged on the front door while the other was knocking on the window. Before I knew it they were in the house, upstairs, in the bed room, and standing right next to my bed. I didn't even have time. I barely opened one of my sleeping eye when one of them slapped me so hard my eye balls nearly fell out. Alright I had to do something, I gathered myself, still thinking I was dreaming or crazy, the only thing near was a bucket from last night's chilled wine. I tried to reason with them after I somersaulted from the bed away from them, holding a faux silver ice bucket. Their eyes alone was cause for concern, a fist to cuff ensured, which turned out to be very brief and reasonable. All this shit happened in less than 3 minutes. Before they left, we actually small talked and cheered to see each other soon. I never messed with them again, they told me not to mess with the boys down the street, though back then I thought it was just another African proverb.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHZMoPV1rog&feature=related

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=0eFBfh9iDDI&feature=related

 

"But your honor, conning people is my talent, do you want me to waste my talent?"

 

"Ladies and gentlemen we will be making our initial approach to the airport", airlines like to use these words a lot- "initial approach". When does it start, is it when you are 5 miles away, 10 miles away, any fucking time in the air can be an initial approach. Maybe airlines get together and agree on a certain mile radius. Its still confusing because sometimes it takes another 40 minutes to land after the pilot has said this to the cockpit. As far as i'm concerned, even though I may be undereducated and can't find the switch-on botton on any airplane, I think you may be making an initial approach the moment you back out of the loading dock. So we get it, initial approach is ridiculus, saying something like "we are 10 miles out" is simple and specific, the passenger immidiately knows what he's in for by his remidial school approximation. Even if you want to get cutsy, lets say you want it in plain old english, say something like "we are making our final approach". I only said this joke because I hate it when pilots use the word initial when it takes another 1800 hours to even find the runway. I can imagine them in the cockpit, "oh lets see here, where the fuck is the runway, ah there it is, fuck these bastards, lets make'em wait, they deserve it for all the man hours we put in at pilot school. Hand me another mini bourbon will ya"

 

eys, but does time slow or space dilate?

Math please, I think we just found an elegant solution to an age old problem?

 

Ans to Q1: Both, but the sign of the change depends upon which side of the door you are on. For example, outside bladder is expanding and inside bathroom it is contracting.

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Comment on Q2: Certainly, if you really ment "an old age problem."

BTW. I almost always have a little wine or vodac before going to bed. They say it helps the heart, etc. but I doubt this is the case unless you are tense, which I normally am not. I swim routinely and measure my pulse immediately when exiting the water. (In first and second 30 seconds separately to see the recovery rate, which is good, so even if they are correct about alcohol aidding the heart, rather than just reduces harmful stress, I do not think it applies to me.) Alcohol has has a side effect at my age which is useful: Without it, about half of the nights I wake up to go to the bathroom but with it essentially never do. Even all the fluid in a can of beer, which seems to want to leave my body in an hour or so when I am awake, is content to sleep the entire night with me.

 

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river". Poof! ...God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river". Poof! ...God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river". Poof! ...He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

 

yeah, but in real life, man has to prove himself
og, me big hunter, meat good, fire warm

 

I am so uninspired that I don't even have enough insiration to sleep

My creditworthiness is so deteriorated that they won't even take my cash

I haven't had sex for so long that one of my testacles crawled into the other to make love

I'm so pessimist that I believe optimists are failed pessimists

I'm so happy that I could die

I'm so drunk that my cells stopped osmosis and started a jet stream

I'm so stupid that books have to be written for me

My eye sight is so good that I can see a fly 200 miles away, while in lava form, underwater

Medicine is so hopeless that it makes Albert Einstien look like a medical genuis

I'm so fat that I can't digest water cause it won't mix

 

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to

his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting

subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a

young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is

doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting

with his buddies". He laughed so hard he couldn't finish teaching the class.

 

a woman goes to see her doctor, she say's

Dr i have a terible green rash in between my legs, so the doctor had a look and said, use this cream it should clear up, if it doesnt come back. so of she goes and two weeks later she is back at the doctor's, and she says, i still have this rash, and the doctor says, i know is your boyfriend a gypsy? yes she said, thats amazing how did you know? well the doctor said, you'd better go back and tell your boyfriend that his earings are not real gold

 

Funny gender joke- Wife 1.0

TO TECHNICAL SUPPORT:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs & launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this Wife 1.0.
Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm screwed.
Thanks, Joe.

REPLY:
DEAR JOE SCREWED
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade form Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in you manual under "Warnings-Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command: C: \APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance to Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support.

 

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, 'Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.' She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer

When he finished it, he said, 'Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start.'

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, 'Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second.'

'That's it!' She blows her top, 'You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?'

The husband sighed, 'Oh shit, it's started.'

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funny stories

Welcome to myuu91.com
Have fun with my website ,many funny stories here

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Friend sent me 22 samples of ~second grade students completing famous US quotes or sayings. I cannot remember many but last was great so I remember it.

For example:

The pen is mightier than ______ (kid's answer: the pig)

Give me liberty or ___________ (ice cream)

Better late than _________ (pregnant) from a second grader already!

 

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.