Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  1. Saturnine Pariah Hell is other people Valued Senior Member

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    Would you like to me to re-write it in a format that depicts the leaders of the countries fighting instead?
    However I could sum up the bar fight in one phrase “Boy…that escalated quickly...I mean that really got out of hand fast!”
     
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  3. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    A lady stopped unexpectedly by her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.

    "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.

    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.

    "LOVE DRESS! You're naked," said the mother-in-law.

    "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "He will be home any minute now, so perhaps you could stop by a little later?"

    Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea.

    She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

    Finally, his pickup truck drove up the driveway.

    Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his naked wife.

    "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she said, excitedly.

    "Needs ironing." he replied.
     
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  5. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!'

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    'April',he hollered into the bathroom,'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

    She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
     
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  7. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among elected officials.

    He motioned for his nurse to come near."Yes, Father?" asked the nurse."I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest."I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
    *********
    The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress. Soon word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest.
    *********
    As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our image." Reid agreed that it would be a good thing.
    *********
    Arriving at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left.There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
    *********
    Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
    *********
    The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.""Amen", said Obama. "Amen", echoed Reid.
    *********
    The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
     
  8. Buddha12 Valued Senior Member

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    Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
    Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
    Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
    New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.


    This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2013
  9. arfa brane call me arf Valued Senior Member

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    After watching the first season of Sons of Anarchy last summer, I decided to start up my own M.C.

    Since I have multiple personalities, recruitment hasn't really been a problem, we've settled who is in the original member's group, sorted out a pres. (me), and V.P. (again, me).

    The only problem I've had so far is having to give one of the bros a hiding on the odd occasion they step out of line, so I have to beat myself up now and then

    Plus, having to drink enough beer for the whole gang is still a bit of a challenge, never mind all the rooting.
     
  10. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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  11. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let Little Johnny in from school.

    "What did you learn today Johnny?" she asked.

    "Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly.

    The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.

    Her daughter replied, "Mom, get up with the times. These days it's all part of the curriculum."

    A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced that dinner was ready.

    Grandmother walked past her granson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating.

    "Johnny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."
     
  12. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Subject: Old People Funnies

    1. I took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 68. I'm so happy, because I live at number 72, so it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

    2. Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

    3. Aspire to inspire before you expire.

    4. My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

    5. Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

    6. Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

    7. The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

    8. God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

    9. I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

    10. Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

    11. The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

    12. For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us, go ahead and delete this. For the rest of us...pass this on!
     
  13. Buddha12 Valued Senior Member

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  14. Buddha12 Valued Senior Member

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    2,862
    No more trips to the bathroom at night. wouldnt that be a blessing!!!

    A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

    NEW Wine for Seniors

    I kid you not...

    California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

    It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

    The new wine will be marketed as

    PINO MORE

    I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
     
  15. Buddha12 Valued Senior Member

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    ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...


    On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

    ... The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

    'I'm too young to die', she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
    minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?

    For a moment there is silence... Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

    Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time...

    No one moves ... He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest

    she gasps... And he says...

    "Here! Iron this, and get me something to eat."
     
  16. EinsteinHimself Banned Banned

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    82
    A man and a woman were discussing their past lives.

    the man says, "Just before I was born God gave me two choices. I could be blessed with a good memory, or have a huge penis"

    The woman asks, "so which did you choose?"

    Man, "Oh I forget, it was a long time ago...."

    Add that one to your literature collection...

    Does Buddhism work like Christianity? Like... Instead of there only being one Christian who died on the cross. There was only one Buddha, and nobody really knows when he died...
     
  17. Gorlitz Iron Man Registered Senior Member

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    290
    Came across this joke and thought it was very funny:

    A homeless man knocks on the door of a big mansion. When the lady of the house answers he explains that he'd like a handout so he can buy some food. The lady says, "I didn't get to be rich by handing out money to beggars. If you want money from me, you'll have to work for it!"

    The man says he doesn't mind working to earn the money and asks what she wants him to do. "Paint the porch around back and I'll give you $20. You'll find the paint & equipment in the shed. And," the lady adds, "you'd better do a good job or you'll get nothing!"

    An hour later the man knocks on the front door again. When the lady answers he tells her he's through and asks for his money. The lady exclaims, "It's a huge porch! It should have taken you all day!

    You couldn't possibly have done a good job. I'm not paying you a penny! Now get out of here before I call the police!"

    The man says, "I did do a good job! I was very careful. And for your information, it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"
     
  18. PartyBoy Registered Member

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    71
    Words you don't want to google.

    Flaming gorilla, angry walrus, pulling a Houdini, Eiffel tower, angry bull ride, angry dragon, fire extinguisher.
     
  19. PartyBoy Registered Member

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    What does a pizza boy and a gynecologist have in common?

    They can smell it but not taste it.
     
  20. PartyBoy Registered Member

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    Rumple bumpkin
     
  21. Gorlitz Iron Man Registered Senior Member

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    A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" the mother replied "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

    The next child walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" She replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

    The last child walked up to her and said "VLOD ROGGLKE HISGAWSNSAMPS HOOGHLS KOOOGHVES." The mother replied, "Be quiet, Microwave!"
     
  22. Robittybob1 Banned Banned

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    The magician Dynamo was having trouble pulling a rabbit out of his hat, so he pulled a hare out of his arse instead.
     
  23. Billy T Use Sugar Cane Alcohol car Fuel Valued Senior Member

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    Better than any joke posted here for laughs and fundamental truths* exposed is this video: http://www.upworthy.com/2-monkeys-were-paid-unequally-see-what-happens-next?g=3

    * including the basis for the Wall Street demonstrations / protests by mainly well off America compared to 95% of humanity.

    Another "truth" well illustrated, but not mentioned, is the strong tendency to blame oneself for failing to do assigned task correctly when the promised or expected reward is not given (earned). I.e. after monkey did task (give rock to experimenter) and was not rewarded as expected the next time he was allowed to earn a reward, he first tested the rock to see if it was a "good solid rock" before giving it. I think he assumed that in the prior trial, his rock given was not good enough to earn the desired reward. - I.e. he assumed he did not do that prior task correctly. Recall this when things don't work out as you had hoped - Fault may be with "bad luck" or others, not with yourself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2013
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