Jokes and Funny Stories

Key to a Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"
she said. "What's your secret for a long happy
life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,"
he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week,
eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old
are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

 

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Kindhearted Priest

A priest was walking down his street one day
when he noticed a very small boy trying to press
the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short
and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time,
the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed
the street, walked up behind the little fellow,
placed his hand kindheartedly on the child's
shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a
solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest
smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what,
my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now
we run!"

 

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Frying Eggs
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

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Old Guys In Convertibles?

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/ItXKGyO6cRA?rel=

 

Little Tommy Turtle

A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree.
After long hours of great effort, he reaches
the top, jumps into the air waving his front
legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into
the ground. After recovering consciousness he
starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more,
but again crashes to the ground.

The little turtle does this again and again,
while all the time his heroic efforts are being
watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched
on a nearby branch.

Finally, the female bird says to the male bird,
"Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy
he is adopted?"

 

Lawyers Taste Like ........??

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in
single file.

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for
a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter.
A few moments later, the front tiger feels what
seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied
just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of
this action, but doesn't want to start anything
by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels
the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and
asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the
butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about
that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to
get the taste out of my mouth."

 

Leave the hair out of it

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and
decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned
a second wedding. They were discussing the details
with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal
gown and she started describing the dress she
was planning to wear. One of her friends asked
what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, John chimed in, "Yep silver
- - to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot,
Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are
going barefoot."

 

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Redneck Tips
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1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

Manly Communication

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says,
"Dog crap, 20 feet."

 

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious.
When she was married, she refused to use protection
because she felt that birth control was going
against God's will. She and her husband had seventeen
kids.

Maria's husband got sick and passed away. As
time went by, Maria moved on with her life and
married another man. Again, she refused to use
protection because of her religious beliefs.
She and her second husband have fifteen kids.


Again, Maria lost her husband. But, soon after
her husband's death, she passed away as well.
At the ceremony at the cemetery the priest looked
down at the coffin then looked up at the sky
and said, "They're finally together."

This confuses one of the family members at
the service and after the ceremony, asks the
priest.

Father," he starts, "back at the cemetery when
you said, 'they're finally together,' did you
mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and
her second husband?"

The father takes a long look and him and says,
"I was talking about her legs."

 

married for twenty years

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed
to be posted today, he asked his son if he got
a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten
a part. "I play a man who's been married for
twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and
before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking
part."

 

They missed an important one:

If trying to impress a new gal at a fancy restaurant, leave your dog locked in your pick-up truck.

 

Mary Jack and Buster

There was a boss who was told by his boss that
he had to get rid of at least one employee. So
he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees,
Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each
one privately, and let their reactions help guide
his decision.

So he called in Jack, explained the situation
and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose
his job, but he understood the boss's situation.


Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've
got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got
to lay you or Jack off...'

And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack
off, buster, I've got a headache!'

 

I knew something was wrong when……

The wife's back on the warpath again - she was up for making a home movie last night

and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should
have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she
likes to call it.



After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to
commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough once she killed herself I started
to feel a lot better. So I thought, Screw it, soldier on.



I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs
and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked.
I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered MacDonald’s serve breakfast until 11.30.

 

Me -vs- Da Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow. When
your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your
boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When
your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're
overstepping your authority. When your boss does
the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're
being rude. When your boss skips a few rules,
he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.


When you're out of the office, you're wandering
around. When your boss is out of the office,
he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always
sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must
be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going
for an interview. When your boss applies for
leave, it's because he's overworked.

 

Me first

A couple traveling cross country decided to stop
for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere
in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth
near the counter sipping their coffee, a local
cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest
stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over
the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever
heard by a human. The tourist jumps up and yells,
"Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely
and says, "I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know
we was a takin' turns."

 

ME First!!

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an
antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Poof!

She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!"
says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina coladas and the love
of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the
office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have
the first say.

 

Meet me halfway

Joe found himself in serious financial trouble.
He was desperate he decided to pray to God for
help. He begins to pray. "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please
let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins
it. Joe again prayed."God, please let me win
the lottery! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lottery night comes and Joe is still out of
luck. Once again, he prayed."My God, why have
you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house,
and my car. My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always
been a good person and loyal to you and the church.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... I beg you...just let
me win the lottery this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light
as the clouds part and the heavens open up. Joe
falls to his knees in awe, shieding his eyes
from the light as God's voice booms "Meet me
halfway on this, Joe. Buy a freaking ticket."

 

The wife left a note on the fridge, "It's not working! I can't take it any more, I've gone to stay at my mother's!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold...God only knows what she was talking about.

 

A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the hell out of the resident peacock.