In the cricket

I've just tried some crumbly cheese. White Stilton.
Success. The whole flock came down almost immediately.

In my garden, we have only one type of gull. Larus Argentatus, the Herring Gull.
Despite spending a lot of their time scavenging on inland rubbish dumps, their breasts are like pristine snow.

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What a construction. Talk about lean design. Nothing is superfluous.

Were I forty years younger, I might try your seagull massacre.
Sounds hilarious, and the seagull probably enjoys it too.
Eating the Sauce.

Go on. How do you catch a seagull?

 

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Well, Thanks for asking.

What you do is chuck a few chips around, the sea chooks love it and forget themselves and their sense of self awareness and preservation.
Gradually you lure them in, closer and closer.
When they have left their senses behind, you chuck a chip within arm's reach.
If you're right handed, chuck a chip with your left hand and have your right hand cocked for a backhand swoop. Backhand works best because of the predominant fast twitch muscle effect of the triceps. When the sea gull whips in for the easy grab of the proffered chippy, he will lead with his head. Its fast retreat mechanism is to thrust its wings forward to facilitate a backwards momentum of the scone. As the wings are now pointing directly towards you, snap from the triceps and grab the gormless bastard by the wingtip.
They skawk and carry on like nobody's business. you must try it!

 

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Very crafty, Spud.
And very useful, should you ever be on a desert Island with a supply of chips.

I can tell you how to catch a housefly.
In your hand.

Seagull picture follows:

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I don't really think you need that Ice Cream, Mrs, so I'll have it.

Bad news. All my data on seagull eating habits has been skewed by an unanticipated factor.
My neighbours cat.

I just threw out some bread, which is normally their favourite, but none have come down.
Who is watching, from a fencetop? Mr Puddikins.
This is despite the fact that if they did come down the cowardly little beast would almost certainly run away.

Darwin must have had times like this.

 

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Was that a spot of rain I felt?

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Ain't rained here a full day since me pa first met Skippy.

 

Off to Perth.
A three day journey by rail from Adelaide.

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Skippy: Can I come withyer?

Captain: Yes, but you'll have to ride in the luggage car. And don't say you want to be my psychic or I'll kick your bushy tail off the train.

Skippy: Can I be your sidekick?

Captain:We've had that joke before.
Do you know the difference between a psychic and a sidekick?

Skippy: No.


Spud, why is there not a test match in Darwin?

 

Jesus Christ!
The series started out so promisingly and then the Aussies have fallen in a heap.
We're getting royally smashed. Only one down with three to go but where do you look for confidence? The bowlers. Sad days but as we know cricket is a funny game. It could all turn around.
Kremmen, well played by the Poms. How does an Englishman reconcile his conscience with someone like Pietersen?
The guy can bat like a kid out in the rain but he is such a cock!! Let me reiterate that, the guy is a knob of the highest order.
Do the Poms hate him or just smile through gritted (gnashed) teeth and take solace in the victory.
Sorry to rain on the victory parade.

No tests in Darwin. Too fucking hot. The Poms would melt. That and Darwin is wholly inhabited by criminals. You should see it, it's a scary and twisted place.
If you live in Darwin you must have a tattoo on your neck or face, it's compulsory. You can get dispensation if you have your ears missing but Chopper has a few tattoes as well.
Pietersen has tattoes (totally fucking crap tattoes as befits the man) and he would be kicked out of Darwin for being a knob and a wanker as well as for having shit tattoes (and none on his face).

Perth, Poms one for 760 at lunch (I put twenny bucks on it). 3 to 1.

 

Pietersen is a slogger. He should never have got beyond 50.
All you need to do is let him slog away and set the field to catch him.

But to do that, you need a captain who can intelligently place a field.
A bowler who can tease out a rash shot.
And fielders that can hold a ball without dropping it.

You can see Australia's problem.

Apart from the Tattoos, I think I can see why they gave Darwin a miss.
This time of year they have very heavy rainstorms with spectacular lightning.

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Pietersen: Where's everyone else gone?

 

Ahh, bring back Ian Chappell, Shane Warne and Mark Waugh.

What a good idea.

Darwin thunderstorms - google Peter Jarver, see what comes up.

 

Train: Dum te Dum te Dum Te Dum
Skippy: Tch Tch
Captain Skippy, get out of my sleeping berth.
Skippy: Tch Tch te tum. Tch Tch te tum...................
Captain Snore.

 

Train, tch ke tch ke, tch ke tch ke
Pietersen; Fuck I'm good, fuck I'm good, fuck I'm good......all the way across the fucking Nullabor.

Australia to win the series. Poms mutiny and chuck Pietersen out at Cocklebiddy.

 

It would be rather amusing watching the poms trying to cope with Darwin at this time of the year.

Not fair. We sledge the crap out of everybody, start fights in carparks with retired test players, not only inflict Ponting on the world but make him captain, and we even bowl underarm on occasion...but jeez.

Making the buggers play in Darwin is just too bloody much.

 

RIP. Not heard of him before, but a good man I think.
Cancer is a Bastard.

Re Pietersen, we Brits regard him with amused tolerance just like we do with everyone.

Skippy: Yeah!

Captain: Get out of my compartment. You're not a proper Skippy anyway.

Skippy: Yes I am


If Shane Warne is going to make a comeback, he'll need to get fit again.
He's put on a few pounds since he left the cricket scene

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Sadly, the only Aussie who looks sure to get twenty is Julian Assange

 

The Train Corridor

Pietersen: (singing) Simply the Bist, Bitter then all the Rist.
Skippy: Tch Tch
Pietersen: Hey You. Trainboy!
Skippy: Tch?
Pietersen: Yes, you. Where's the dining car? The world's best cricketer needs his morning brickfest.

Skippy bounds ahead. Looking behind every now and then to make sure Pietersen is not getting lost.


Pietersen:Ah, here it is. Thenks.
You need a reward. I'll give you my autogreph.
From the..........world's best cricketer.............to..........the world's best train steward.
You can treasure this all your life.
I'll put in this furry bag you're carrying.
Word of advice my friend. You look like you had a hard night last night.
Were you playing poker with the Marquis?
Bad idea. He always wins and spends the money on Bourbon.
You look really rough. Have a shave.

 

Warne may be returning for a million Australian dollars.
I hope he does. It would be great.

Bell wouldn't be happy. He'd be shaking.
Warne could get him out just by looking at him.

Remember that evil smile Warne used to have on his face just before some particularly devastating bowl.

 

Sonny- " Hello Skip, what's up?"

Skippy - "tch tch tch tch tch"

Sonny - " WHAT!, Ponting is washed up and will never recover from two straight Ashes defeats!?"

Skippy - " tch tch (no you dumbfuck! I said Pietersen is a flying fuckwit whose only redeeming feature is that when he goes out for a duck he unwittingly walks back to the pavillion with his dumb arsed duck footed gait parodying himself but thinking his crap porn star moustache and even crapper tattoes give him an air of mystery!"

Sonny - " What, Clarkey's stranded with a busted arse back and needs help?"

Skippy - " I dunno, I'm just a freakin' Kangaroo!"

 

Just heard a soundbite from Ponting

" Day've oubaddadus, owbarldus, 'n outfeelderdas ferdarlgame!"

 

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Pietersen: Thet Century I dedicate to my greatest fan, Spud.
I don't want to be a Boer, but........
That's it really. I don't want to be a Boer.
Where's my England badge? Mwa smooch kiss.
It's got all wet now from kissing it so much.

 

hell yeah. I'd like to see Warne come back in just for shits ad giggles.

We're not going to get the ashes. That's clear.
Wouldn'ty it be just hell fun though, to see Warne come into the team and watch the poms start to shiver?

Wouldn't matter if we lost. Again. Just shits and giggles.

We're going down on this one, and we deserve to. Australia really doesnt care THAT much about losing, unless it's against the poms. Warne taking 5 for in a losing team is almost as good as winning anyway, dontcha think?
Nah, we aren't going to win. If we did, it would be the most undeserved in in ashes history.
But Warnie on the field?

hehehehehee.......