God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

Discussion in 'Religion Archives' started by Magical Realist, Jan 20, 2013.

  1. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

    NEW HAVEN, CT– "In a diagnosis that helps explain the confusing and
    contradictory aspects of the cosmos that have baffled philosophers,
    theologians, and other students of the human condition for millennia,
    God, creator of the universe and longtime deity to billions of
    followers, was found Monday to suffer from bipolar disorder.

    Rev. Dr. J. Henry Jurgens, a practicing psychiatrist and doctor of
    divinity at Yale University Divinity School, announced the historic
    diagnosis at a press conference.

    "I always knew there had to be some explanation," Jurgens said. "And,
    after several years of patient research and long sessions with God
    Almighty through the intercessionary medium of prayer, I was able to
    pinpoint the specific nature of His problem."

    Bipolar, or manic-depressive, disorder is a condition that afflicts
    millions. Characterized by cycles of elation followed by bouts of
    profound depression and despair, the disorder can wreak havoc on both
    the sufferer and his or her loved ones, particularly if it goes
    undetected and untreated for an extended period. Though the condition is
    estimated to affect, in one form or another, 5 percent of the world's
    population, Monday marks the first time it has been diagnosed in a major

    Evidence of God's manic-depression can be found throughout the Universe,
    from the white-hot explosiveness of quasars to the cold, lifeless vacuum
    of space. However, theologians note, humanity's exposure to God's
    affliction comes primarily through His confusing propensity to
    alternately reward and punish His creations with little rhyme or reason.

    "Last week, I lost my dear husband Walter to the flood," said housewife
    and devout churchgoer Elaine Froman of Davenport, IA. "I asked myself,
    'Why? Why would God do something like this, especially when He had just
    helped Walter overcome a long battle with colon cancer, and we were so
    happy that we finally had a chance to start our lives anew?'" New York
    attorney Ruth Kanner also gained firsthand knowledge of God's wild mood

    "Last Saturday, on a gorgeous spring afternoon, I was jogging in Central
    Park with my daughter. We were marveling at the beauty and majesty of
    nature, and I remember thinking what a wonderful world we live in. Then,
    out of nowhere, I heard the gunfire," said Kanner, speaking from her
    hospital bed at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center. "All they took was
    a measly $17, and for that, the doctors say my daughter will never walk
    again. If only Our Holy Father didn't have those mental problems, my
    precious Katie might not be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her

    Jurgens stressed that God's earthly subjects need to understand that,
    because of His bipolar condition, He is not in control of His actions
    and does not realize how they affect others.

    "What He needs from us is understanding and patience," Jurgens said. "To
    paraphrase the words of the Lord God Himself, 'Humans, forgive Him, for
    He knows not what He does.'"

    While such drugs as Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft have proven
    effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder among humans, there is no
    modern earthly medicine that can be prescribed for a deity as vast and
    complex as God.

    Jurgens is in the process of forming a support group, "Living With A
    Bipolar Creator-Deity," for all of humanity to "get together and discuss
    their feelings about living in a universe run by an Omnipresent Loved
    One not fully in control of his emotions."

    Jurgens said he believes God's essential condition is seasonal, as
    evidenced by the bursts of energy and elation associated with springtime
    and summer, followed by the decay and bleak despair of fall and winter.
    Sometimes, however, the condition cycles even faster.

    "The average person with bipolar disorder may go through as many as 10
    or 12 cycles of mania and subsequent depression in a lifetime. In severe
    cases, a sufferer may experience four or more per year, which is known
    as 'rapid cycling,'" Jurgens said. "We believe God suffers from the even
    rarer 'ultra-rapid cycling,' which would account for the many documented
    cases in which He alternates between benevolence and rage toward
    humanity within a matter of seconds. For example, last week, He brought
    desperately needed, life-giving rain to southern Mali while
    simultaneously leveling Turkey with a devastating earthquake."

    Further evidence of God's manic-depression can be found in the Bible, in
    which the erotomania of the Song of Songs sharply contrasts with the
    sadness and existential despair of the Book of Ecclesiastes. The Book of
    Job, Jurgens noted, marks the best example of His condition. The book
    begins with the bleak lamentations of Job and ends with a full-blown
    manic episode by God, complete with such classic bipolar symptoms as the
    illusion of omnipotence and delusions of grandeur.

    "One of the major 'heresies' of Christian history is the Gnostic belief
    that the Creator, or 'demiurge,' of this troubled world is a blind,
    idiot god who is insane," Jurgens said. "This idea surfaces in many
    religious traditions around the globe. As it turns out, they were only
    half right: God has His problems like anyone else, but He is essentially
    trying His best. He just has a condition that makes His emotions fly out
    of control at times."

    "So it's up to us to make the best of God's emotional problems," Jurgens
    continued. "Thus, mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly

    God Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder | The Onion - America's Finest News
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  3. Syne Sine qua non Valued Senior Member

    Utter nonsense from someone confused enough to be both a psychiatrist and have a doctorate in divinity.
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  5. arauca Banned Banned

    If you want to get some attention you post this kind of bull. S**t
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  7. Read-Only Valued Senior Member

    Good grief! What a bonehead!!

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