Dear Cat, I don’t know how you did it, but you did. I swear it was you because if it wasn’t you, it was me, and if it wasn’t me then it’s a whole different story I can’t even begin to fathom. What have I ever done to you, but love you and feed you and pet you and clean your stupid, shitty cat box? I’ve shared my bed with you on multiple nights and you always overstay your welcome and take up more space then is necessary. But last night you took it too far. I know you had a rough start as a child, but violence is no excuse. I rescued you from imminent misery and death or possibly a lifetime of being groped and tortured by small children who’s parents never taught them how handle a kitty properly! And how do you repay this act of parental kindness? This act of unworldly goodness and selflessness? You fucking give me a black eye with your stupid, fat, bony, Cat-head! (I know this seems impossible…ridiculous even) Seriously Cat, how did you do it? I am awoken viciously from sleep at 4:30 in the morning by a sharp, stabbing pain in my left eye, swearing like a sailor, and wondering who just socked me in the fucking face. I saw stars! I thought I was being attacked by some maniacal rapist who would cut me into little pieces and store me in Zip-Lock baggies in his freezer! Unfortunately, after I assessed the room was sans-rapist and any other type of humanoid being with a fist or knife, the only person I could blame was YOU, Cat. WTF? How? How did you manage this magnificent head-butt right to my effing eye? Now I look like the poster-child for domestic abuse and people on the street and at work give me strange glances. I wish I could take the blame because I would hate to think, you, my well-loved cat, would ever knowingly abuse me. Like any victim, I ask, ‘Is it possible I did this to myself?’, ‘Could this have all been my fault?’, ‘Could I have ACTUALLY socked MYSELF in the face?’. I’ve decided ‘No’. Impossible. Whenever I abuse myself, I enjoy it, damn it, and this incident was NOT enjoyable. So, to conclude this letter, my fine feline friend, when we have problems in the future let us please discuss them like responsible grown-ups of our separate species. You will stare at me, I will stare at you, we will attempt to telepathically communicate for 30 seconds, and then I will feed you and pat your head and assume that is the extent of your current needs. You will mow down your cat-food and then sleep all day. No more black eyes. No more head-butts to the face. This passive-aggressive shit HAS to stop or I will be forced to take unforgivable action: I will CLOSE the bedroom door! Sincerely, Me
I have no effing idea. Like a CSI expert I replayed the scene both mentally and physically and still I am lost as to how this could have possbily happened to me. I am forced to consider illogical options; like, did I really hit myself in the face? And how? And why? Was it a ghost? A demon? Was my cat secretly on crack or PCP and therefore propelled by some exterior or interior mental force to head-butt me with the strength of Mike Tyson? WTF!!!! People want to know how I got a black eye. I say my cat did it. They look at me like "Yeah. Right. Liar, liar, pants-on-fire!" Seriously. How did this happen?
Gives cat a 1 point deduction for illegal head-butt .....you ready? Are you ready? OK - FIGHT! Oh great......the mods must have lifted some bans again
Gee the cat was stretching and than in short instance it lost its grip and hit your eye, no need to bring Mike Tyson into this. Tis was an accident.
jessiej920, Although you have a funny way of explaining events, it is possible that you could very well have done it to yourself and it's going to be one of those mysteries that you'll never fully be able to unravel. Unless of course you get all "Detective" on your cat, start stalking it's haunts, follow it's movements and put camera's up in communal areas. Just remember what you might learn about your cat, the places it haunts and the grand feline plan might not be what you anticipated.
You just hit yourself in the face.. lol Possibly because you had been sleeping on your arm.. You're a good writer though, I enjoyed the OP Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
That's ridiculous. A cat hitting you in the face! Preposterous! Clearly, the cat let a monkey into your room, which did hit you in the face. They can pretty much make a fist, you know.
Lol, Oh you are very welcome. Coffee-through-the-nose always feels good at 6 am doesn't it? Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Pretty sure all black males of any age are innocent of this heinous crime Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
I'm sure I will uncover some secret plan for world domination. The black eye...is only...the beginning! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
If I blame the cat I feel better Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Glad you liked the OP
