Your Aging Parents

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Orleander

OH JOY!!!!
Valued Senior Member
Does your family have a plan for your aging parents? I had always planned for my husband's mother to move in with us. Its why we have a 5 bedroom house. Then she passed away so we never had to deal with it.
As my Mom gets older she has told us her plan. My brother is to deal with her body, I am to deal with her money. I don't know if its possible to split it up that way, :shrug: but its what she wants. I see some arguments in my future over this.

Do you have a plan for your parents? Are your siblings involved in it?
 
Like your story about your mother-in-law shows, plans are good but not always realized.

I do tell my wife that her father will NOT live with us. Of course, I ve worked with him every day for 13 years.:eek:
 
My Dad turned 83 last month. My mom died a few yrs ago. He still lives in the same big house that we grew up in. I have suggested maybe moving to a smaller place since he doesn't need a house that's 2500 sq ft with a huge yard to care of. He is stubborn though and set in his ways. I think the change would be worse for him. He is in pretty good health and likes working around the house and yard, it keeps him busy. I have always thought that if he lives to the age where he really can't stay in the house anymore I would take him in with us. I have a finished basement that is done up just like an inlaw suite with a kitchen, bathroom, livingroom, bedroom. He would never take me up on it unless he really couldn't get by himself. I am guessing he will probably die before that would happen.
 
My mother lives in Syria with the rest of my family, so I have no concerns over her well being as to whether or not she has people to take care of her.
 
My grand mothers are still both quite independent so we dont have to worry about my parents just quite yet. however nan is in such bad shape physically mum is trying to convince her to go into independent living rather than living in her house.

as far as what we will do with my parents that is THERE choice not ours
 
I cared for my mum when she couldn't take care of herself until she died. I moved her into my house and did everything she needed and made her last days as comfortable as I could. I felt that I was responsible for her when she couldn't take care of herself just as she cared for me when I was but a child and couldn't fend for myself. There were hospice people here when she needed to have more than I could do for her to take some of the load off of my shoulders which was a big help in the last few months of her life. At 95 she had a great life and I know that by helping her I gave her a few more years of quality life she would not have gotten at a nursing home.
 
god i mangled my post

what i ment was a) mine and my partners parents are only between 40-50 (years away from needing to live with us)

b)nan is still living in her own house partually because of the fact that she has a gold card as a war widow. however she cant keep living there and though mum has thought about her moving in with them she would rather get her into inderpendent living acomidation where she can have alot more independence than she could living with mum and dad.
 
Asguard said:
....as far as what we will do with my parents that is THERE choice not ours
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good luck with that. What if they get to the point when they can't make reasonable choices. Are you going to let them still do whatever they decide?
 
I tried to do many things for my dad after mother died. Eventually I realised what he wanted was to continue his life with as little disruption as possible in routine, so I ensured he could. As long as he is comfortable, well fed and looked after, he doesn't cre about anything else. :p
 
We have already told our parents that we would take care of them when they get to the point where they are unable to care for themselves. Both of our parents have told us they would like to move into the independent living nursing homes (they have their own little house on the grounds). If they change their minds, we own a couple of small houses on our street and we have already discussed it amongst ourselves (between my husband and myself) that when they get to that point and no longer wish to go into a nursing home, we'll take them into our house or if they want to be more independent and have more privacy, they can move into the houses we own and we'd hire nurses to help us care for them.. set up health and personal alarms so that if they become distressed or unwell, they hit the button and we are alerted, as well as the paramedics. Both sets of parents have said they do not wish to move in with us because they like their privacy and would not want to intrude into our lives like that.. but I wouldn't see it as an intrusion. We see it as helping them and taking care of them as they took care of us for so many years from our birth to adulthood.

I would prefer they be closer to my husband and myself than be in a nursing home.. but it is ultimately their choice right now. So we will respect their wishes as much as we humanly can. If they want to move in with us, we have plenty of room and can convert the bottom part of the house into two independent units with their own kitchen and bathrooms. As well as having a nurse help us take care of them if they do become bedridden. But it's their choice either way. I won't force it on them. They have and will tell us what they want.
 
Orleander said:
Does your family have a plan for your aging parents? I had always planned for my husband's mother to move in with us. Its why we have a 5 bedroom house. Then she passed away so we never had to deal with it.
As my Mom gets older she has told us her plan. My brother is to deal with her body, I am to deal with her money. I don't know if its possible to split it up that way, :shrug: but its what she wants. I see some arguments in my future over this.

Do you have a plan for your parents? Are your siblings involved in it?
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nope, i dont have any plans for my mum, she can live under a bridge in a box has far as i am concerened
 
Orleander cognitive issues arnt the only things which cause problems as we age and even when they do start to intrude you can still have a high level of autonomy if you plan right for as long as possable

in my nans case the problems are compleatly physical so she has the vic equivlant of call direct and just presses a button if she needs an ambulance.

in my great aunts case we had no choice but to put her in a nursing home

my great grandpa is STILL living with a high level of independence but great grandma had alzimers before she died.

it depends on the person and you cant even assume you are going to have that choice, enduring power of guardianship overrules ALL and its up to the people to chose who they wish to give that power to and what legally binding instructions are left in it.

in my case my medical power of attorny says quite specifically as soon as i lose the ability to funtion autonimiously because of permadent cognitive inparment, im to be left to die and ONLY recive pain relief. my partner is the one who has the power to inact that under the instructions i have given her with my mother second if my partner is unavialable.

when we have kids and as my parents age that will be changed but what i REALLY need to fill out is an enduring power of guardianship as i age because that deals with issues like where you will live, who you will socialise with ect as well as issues of medical care
 
Orleander said:
I don't understand that. How can they have a choice if they aren't mentally able to do so?
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At present, they are in full possession of their faculties and have told us what they want if they ever get to the point where they are mentally incapable of deciding for themselves. If they change their minds later on and say they would prefer to live with us, live in their own house or closer to us, we will do as they wish and do what we can to make sure they remain safe and well cared for.

If they were mentally unable to make any decision and hadn't expressed any desires for the future beforehand, then they would either live with us or if they were completely incapacitated, and in need of constant medical supervision (bedridden, on a drip, etc) they would be in a hospital or care facility with us close at hand at all times.. anything that would make their last days as comfortable as possible. I would prefer they be with me in my house, but if they get to the point where they need to go on a drip, etc which required constant professional medical supervision that went beyond a hired nurse, then I would prefer they get the best medical help they can get and have nurses and doctors on hand to give it to them, something that might not be available in our house.

But again, both sets of parents have told us what they want and as of this moment, they are still in full possession of all their mental faculties. So who am I to tell them no and have them stress over it?
 
bells, in reference to your last statement it goes further than just causing them stress. you dont have the RIGHT to take away there autonomy without there concent or that of a court at least in victoria

when my great aunt was found to have developed alzimers (her sister had hid it from all of us untill it drove her into a fatal heart atack), she couldnt fill out the enduring powe of guardianship form because she was to far gone. So mum had to aplie for guardianship from the guardianship board.

there was no automatic transfer of automony to her next of kin, infact if i understood what our lecture was saying last class correctly, next of kin have almost no power at all pre death. even the medical power of attorny form is to limited in the areas they have ability to act on which is why im going to get a power of guardianship form which has ALOT more power i can give to my partner. That form is vertually unlimited except that the person MUST act in the way the person would have wanted.

for instance, say you were not compleatly compitant to make your own free choices and sign legal documents but you had filled out a guardianship form and given it to your husband\wife. Now that form actually has a social componant as well. By rights if after this power became active you had an affair your husband\wife is legally Abliged to keep you with that person because it makes you happy. That is how powerful this form is.
 
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