The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

Discussion in 'The Cesspool' started by The Flemster, May 10, 2004.

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  1. Nickelodeon Banned Banned

    Cardiff is the most offensive joke ever.
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  3. nietzschefan Thread Killer Valued Senior Member

    Three men were walking down the street when one mentioned to the others that the Guinness Book of World Records was in town, and that maybe they should go check it out.

    They arrive at the building where the event was being held, there were displays featuring various world records and even a group of official judges to see if you qualify for the World Record Book.

    "Hey, I have pretty big feet, I wonder if I have the biggest feet in the world." one man says. He goes to meet the judges, who are hidden in a room toward the back, and later comes out and tells the other two "it's official! I have the biggest feet in the world!"

    Well the one man got jealous and began to wonder if he too could qualify. "I bet you I have the biggest hands in the world" he tells them, and then he too walks back to meet the judges. 10 minutes later he comes back out and proudly announces "I have the biggest hands in the world!"

    Well, the last guy in the group didn't want to be left out. Both his friends were in the Guinness Book of World Records, and damnit he wanted to be too. "Hey guy," he told them, "I think I might just have the smallest penis in the world." Confident in his chances, he walked swagger back to the room with the judges. A few minutes later, he walked out of the room fuming, his face red with anger.

    "How'd it go?" one of them asked him.

    The guy with the small penis yelled back "GODDAMNIT I WANNA KNOW WHO THE FUCK IS BARON MAX?!"
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  5. thecollage Registered Senior Member

    A little settler came into the room with a nodule of grapes on his lip. He stood there questioning the rattle from the dryer as he stood in line for more pudding. "When is the champ going to be arriving?" He said.

    "Nearly an hour after the last one made it to Greenland." Belted the bowman.

    "If you knew the challenge of vermicelli with adding salt you would see the Batmobile." Uttered the no one.

    "Well, come show us your raft so we can ride the water down the river together."
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  7. shorty_37 Go! Canada Go! Registered Senior Member

    SO that explains why Baron is so grumpy and mean all the time.
  8. The Flemster Unstoppable sex machine Registered Senior Member

    George W. Bush wanders into the Oval Office for his daily morning breifing.
    "Mornin' fellas, what's up?" he says as he takes a sip from his coffee cup.
    A general replies, "Not much, Mr. President. Been an uneventful night in Iraq. Oh, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
    With this, the President drops his coffee cup and falls to his knees, sobbing and wailing uncontrollably. Everyone is shocked.
    When he calms down, an aide asks, "Mr. President, what's wrong?"
    Bush looks up at him and asks, "How many is a brazillion again?".
  9. Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

  10. Bit stupid and tame this one, but here goes...

    Q. What do you call an Arab carpenter?

    A. Ahmed Ashed.

    tee hee
  11. A jew, a black and a homosexual walk into a bar.............what a marvelous example of a fully integrated society.
  12. Q. how do you blindfold a chinaman?

    A. just use dental floss. so solly
  13. lucifers angel same shit, differant day!! Registered Senior Member

    yes of course thats why we have the best people in britain!! hmmm ok!!!!

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  14. Chatha big brown was screwed up Registered Senior Member

    When next they give you that shit about freeing Palestine, remind then that arabs are also responsible for the atrocities in Dafur.
  15. GUNSFAN Guest

    A paki dies and goes up to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by st peter who says 'sorry, but we don't allow pakis into heaven!'
    'What?' replies the paki, 'Why not?'
    'Well, we just dont!'
    The paki complains and carries on until st peter gets a bit fed up, 'Well' says st Peter, 'have you ever done anything good in you life?'
    'Erm' the paki replies, 'yeh, just the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a childrens charity so i gave her a tenner. Then last week i also donated a tenner to a cancer charity. Plus a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if i could spare any money so i gave him a tenner too!'
    'Right' says st peter, 'let me go and have a quick word with god'.
    Five minutes later st peter returns and says to the paki 'Listen, ive had a word with god and he agrees with me, heres your £30 back, now FUCK OFF!'
  16. lucifers angel same shit, differant day!! Registered Senior Member

    based on what evidence?
  17. Chatha big brown was screwed up Registered Senior Member

    Three people were asked to run a marathon, a Jew, an East African, and A Paki. At the end of the marathon, the Jewish man won, the East African second, and the Paki last. Officials found out the Jew had paid off all the officials, the African had been training had. The paki replied "I was trailing behind in case anyone wanted a lift"
  18. pgovenom Registered Senior Member

    this is gd

    iv got a relly racist one well cinda a london bome 1 so ill tell u
    what is the difrence between smarties and muslims


    smaties dont explode in the tube
  19. There once was a man from nantucket
    Who's dick was so long he could suck it
    Said he with a grin, as he wiped off his chin
    If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it
  20. What do you call a quadrapalegic prostitute?

  21. this joke isnt offensive, and youve all probably heard it before but I like it anyway heh

    little Bobby went to the store with his dad for some groceries..
    bobby :dad? can i have coco puffs?
    dad :well,can you touch you ass with your dick?
    bobby :no
    dad :theres your answer
    and so that kept goign on till they got to the car.the dad felt bad for what he was saying to bobby so he gave him his lottery ticket...and bobby won $100,000,000.
    dad :are you goign to share that with your old man?
    bobby :can you touch your ass with your dick?
    dad :well actually,i can.
    bobby :good then go fuck yourself
  22. Chatha big brown was screwed up Registered Senior Member

    News station: Good evening folks, its another edition of national geographic bastard. Mr name is Dan Ruthers. In light of the recent alleged news surrounding racism, we decided to track down what exactly makes up a race. Believe it or not, we have about 5 major race around the world today. Recently there have been development on certain groups of people demanding their own race. Perculiar people to say the least. We hand you over now to our political correspondent Sir Walter Wiltersford

    Reporter: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am here live reporting on a group of people outside city hall demanding recognition as their own race. Apparently, anybody can decide to fight for their own race these days. The group of people I am with are known as the Los Angeles gang bangers. Sir, what makes you think you guys should be recognized as your own race?

    Hooligan: We deserve recognotion as a race for the struggles we go through. Plus, we are popular

    Reporter: I see. Now, folks over now on my left hand side are another group of people demanding their own race. Folks, they are 14 year old Ann Arundel, Maryland school girls. Hello girls, how are you doing, nice girl scout outfits

    Girl: fine

    Reporter: Now, what the fuck makes you think you should have your own race.

    Girl: Its not right. We are special and stuff, and this is why we should have our own race. Everybody says we are special.

    Reporter: There you have it folks, they are special. People all over the world are trying to get into the action. Apparently, its the in-thing these days. Before you know it, celebrities will stop adopting poor African babies and demending a celebrity race. Its pathetic. Last year I visited the International Racial Treaty in Basel Switzserland, who also has a branch in Lockness scotland. I spoke to the general commissioner, Mr Von Kaluss. Apparently, there are rules you have to abide to and requirements for a race. First, you have to oppress the shit out of someone or be oppressed from any other group. Secondly, You have to have enough zeal to start a Jihad-style war for your cause. And thirdly, you have to have an Aligator pond. These are the rules, I swear I didn't make them up. On my expedition to the Amazons I visited actual Amazonian tribes who didn't even know they were a race, now fuckers out here are trying to claim a race. Even Hamas is liable to get in on the action. I only hope Jesus beams me up before then. Back now to the studios. Once again I'm.....

    Reporter: Nobody cares. In other news, a Broklyn man walked into a hospital with a baseball bat stuck in his rear, in what apperently was an accident with his wife.
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2007
  23. Ant Guest

    What's black and pissed off? The reincarnation of Bernard Manning.
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